Feeling it...

End of a good day...

Side Effects and Sex

the Holiday Weekend

And glad about that! As much as I like travel, it wears thin after a few days. I am happy to say that my next trip will be to Dallas instead of Houston, so that is something to look forward to as well.

I am hoping that by that trip all the side-effects will be under control. The only one I really complain about is the anxiety, although there is some fatigue in there as well. I guess that is all to be expected.

Happy to be home! Look for me more over the next week, I will be able to do more here than last week.

:)

Argh! redux...

So - it happens yet again. I get an angry e-mail from an older guy who is upset because I won't respond to a personal ad where all I see is genitalia. This guy goes on to tell me that I am collecting a lot of karma by not responding to other poz guys just because I am cute, etc.

Give me a freakin break. I have some self respect. I don't respond to pics that I find offensive just because somebody who is poz wants to meet me. I've got a dick too... should I respond just because a guy who wants to meet me has one as well?

I have standards. Why is it that some guys expect me to abandon my ideals now that I am poz? If anything, I feel the need to hold those ideals in a much stronger way.

The universe is a much stranger place than I imagined if this sort of thinking accumulates karma.

The way I see it, I would run the other way if a flasher approached me on the street. I don't think my reaction on-line should be any different.

A bit more relaxed...

OK - so I over-reacted yesterday. I think it has to do with all the stress and fatigue of travel. Not that what I talked about yesterday doesn't bug me, but it shouldn't affect my whole day.

I have had a pretty good trip this week - at least so far. I went out and had a great dinner after a long day of work yesterday and spent an hour longer eating than I normally do. A lot of that had to do with good company. I do enjoy my co-workers!

Meds on the road haven't been an issue. The worst of the side-effects seems to have already passed, although anxiety still is an issue. I don't feel it this morning, but it does seem to hit for no particular reason off and on throughout the day. The only bad thing about not working from home is that I can't take the prescription xanax the doctor gave me - I still have to drive back to the hotel...

I am coming home tomorrow and will be home all next week for the 4th holiday. That's the good news.

The not so good news is that - coming up towards the middle of next month, I will have to leave for Texas, not on Monday, but on Sunday. They want me here bright and early at 8 AM for several training sessions (I provide the training this time) so - it's going to make for some long weeks. I don't mind so much. It's nice to be able to check into the hotel right away, relax, get food etc without working 1st.

It's time to get going to work, so - more later, but I do hope that you are all having a good week!

So I know that I have mentioned this before. It bugs me when guys try to chat with me and expect me to want to have sex with them.

It reached a new low. Now, I am supposed to be grateful when someone that I am not attracted to, wants to have sex with me - because I am HIV positive...

OK. As far as I am concerned - not that much has changed from 2 months ago. Certainly, there are new complications. But to think that my standards dropped significantly from then to now just strikes me as odd. From this point of reasoning, I should have sex with just about anybody because I am positive. The way they see it, my self-esteem must have dropped to the point I should be happy if a mangy old dog comes onto me.

Not going to happen.

I would rather go without for the 30 or 40 years remaining than have sex with people I find otherwise repulsive. I don't have a father complex, I don't find genitalia attractive removed from the people they are attatched to and I certainly don't find guys attractive who would prey on people who they see as newly vulnerable.

Anyway - bugged me - and I had to vent.

I'm Back...

I hope everybody had a great Pride weekend, here in Chicago, or wherever you celebrate.

The weather for our Pride here in Chicago was iffy at best - sprinkled at the start of the parade, but the weather turned nice by the end of it. The most memorable part of the parade for me was having a car drive over my right foot as I tried to scam a t-shirt. A little black and blue, not too much worse for wear...

I wish I could say that things continue to get better. The fact is - yesterday and this morning have seen some of the worst anxiety of recent weeks. It's very discouraging. I relayed this information to the doctor on Friday - and I did get a prescription for xananx. It seems to help for a little bit, but it wears off quickly. I don't want to take too much, so I don't know if it will really work for me or not.

My biggest hope for the xanax was that it would keep me from thinking about the other things going on in my life, or at least concentrating on them so much. But, and I credit the Sustiva for this, I find myself thinking or dreaming in my sleep about every little thing that bothers me these days.

One thing that is kind of bothering me... I went to a local club here in Chicago Friday night for an HIV social sponsored by a local HIV clinic. A guy started talking to me, nice conversation, but then he turns it on me, saying that I didn't chat with him on-line earlier that day. He acted kind of pissy about it. I tried to explain, but then stopped, figuring - what's the use? I think the better thing for me to do is to just stay away from the chat rooms instead of trying to explain when and where I am, and why I can't chat all the time. It pisses me off, because there are people that I like to communicate with, and I do enjoy talking to new people when I have the time. Maybe I will change my mind now that I am going to be on the road again with a working computer.

There are actually better things to talk about than this. The HIV social was a really good experience, so I will discuss that more later. Fact is, I need to finish getting ready to get on the road.

I am hoping that travel this week will calm me down and I can again feel steady.

A doctor visit today...

I went to see my doctor today. He's been my doc off and on since I moved to Chicago, depending on insurance coverage for whoever I was working for at the time.

I mentioned some of the issues that I have had with Sustiva and Truvada since starting them a week ago. Most of the side effects, as I have said here, are pretty easy to manage. The one exception is the anxiety that I get. I knew going into the Sustiva that it made depression and anxiety worse - and I have to say, it made me more than a little leery about starting it. I tend to have issues with anxiety - especially over the last 6 months. Normally, the magnolia bark works just great. But the Sustiva just makes it that much more intense. He gave me a prescription for Xanax - so I hope that will get me through this side effect until my body adjusts. The last several days have been ok for anxiety, but I tend to have issues more on weekends for whatever reason. I am glad that it will be here for me.

I really think that the anxiety happens first, and then I get upset about whatever issue is at hand - that becomes the lightening rod for the anxiety. So if I start to get anxious, I look for something to blame it on - and of course, the ex gets a great deal of that. I am hoping that by taking the xanax - I can overcome a lot of those thoughts and get over this once and for all. It just gets to be a vicious circle that I can't seem to break out of easily.

I will let you know how it goes.

As for the other side-effects - they aren't that bad. The dreams are getting less intense and vivid - the stomach discomfort hasn't been noticable today.

Day 6 of Meds

Inspirations

There is no path. We make the path by walking.
Antonio Machado

I like this quote. It reminds me that my life is unique even though there are events in my life that are not. I learn as I go along. There are people that help me along this path, but it is still one I choose for myself.

Being HIV+ is a part of the path I had hoped to avoid, but now that I am on that path, I can never leave it. The best thing I can do for myself is to make the best decisions I can, so that this path doesn't go into dangerous territory. Relying on the experience of others who have been here is one way to do that.

"Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

-- St. Francis of Assisi, Preacher, Founder of the Franciscan Order

Day 5 - A New Hope

Hiv treatments in the works

As promised - web addresses

OK - so here are the web addresses. Just copy and paste into your browser window if you are interested in reading more about these new compounds.

Today is feeling pretty good, despite being dark and stormy here in Chicago. I went to sleep with relative ease last night, and woke up without any anxiety. I hope it stays that way today! It shouldn't be as bad as yesterday, since there are more work assignments to keep me occupied.

Have a great one!

http://www.aidsmeds.com/drugs/PA-457.htm

http://www.aidsmap.com/en/news/7E9AE4D0-FA87-432E-837F-7A350A8F4E94.asp

http://www.sltrib.com/portlet/article/html/fragments/print_article.jsp?article=3482712

Day 4 Sustive / Truvada - Ex Issues

Sustiva Dreams Continued

Sustiva Dreams Continued...

I had a big lunch, since I am having to change my eating habits. I was surprised I felt a little sleepy after eating, so I laid down. After not really having any vivid dreams last night, I wasn't expecting any today, but I was surprised. They weren't nightmares, far from it.

I dreamed that my ex and I were talking on the phone, and that everthing was going to be ok. I wasn't entirely trusting of this in the dream, but I wanted to believe. Then I was at a restaurant eating all these Italian dishes - and they were so good! Cheese stuffed ravioli, pizza, lasagna and some dish with fusili. And I ate it all! I must be craving carbs...

Day 3 Side Effects of Truvada and Sustiva

I was an exchange student in Denmark when I was 18. Something from that experience that I have kept with me all these years is the following poem by Danish poet Piet Hein...

Do remember to forget
Anger, worry and regret
Love while you've got love to give
Live while you've got life to live!

I think this has particular relevance to my life right now, and I find myself repeating it in my head. With everything that has happened, I need to be able to focus on what's important and meaningful in my life. The other things are distractions, serving no useful purpose.

At the same time, I need to be able to identify those things that cause me pain, and learn how to deal with them. The original poem in Danish, states "Husker at naemer hvad der gaelder" which translates to - remember to name what bothers you. It just doesn't translate in a pretty way, so that's why the above poem is the one typically used. The other part of the original Danish states, "Husker at glemmer bagateller" - which reminds me to 'remember to forget the little things'. That's important too.

I guess a large part of wisdom is learning the difference between the two. I hope this experience is teaching me to know that difference.

Meds - Day 2, random thoughts

Meds Day 2

OK - So I got home last night after 2 beers spread out over close to 4 hours, interspersed with lots of water. I took the pills, waited an hour and went to bed. I was thinking that I would have my normal pre-bed snack, but I was getting kind of loopy, so just went to bed hungry.

It was strange - because I didn't want to go to bed - almost out of fear... I was afraid of what dreams I might have, how long I might sleep in... I am used to being up at the crack of dawn, so sleeping much past 6 or 7 is not a good thing for me. But I woke up at a normal time for Sunday, and I don't feel too groggy.

So - all in all pretty good.

Sustiva Dreams

This is the first real day on meds, just over 24 hours. I have noticed few side effects, certainly nothing that worries me at this point. But the dreams...

They are certainly more than I expected. They are more real, more vivid - not at all surreal. It's difficult to separate them from reality when I wake up - that's how real they are.

I was out walking around today in the sun and heat with my friend Mark. The hear really drained me, so I came home and took a nap. The nap ended up feeling a lot more like sleep, and the dreams came. I dreamed my father had just undergone surgery for an abdominal cancer, and the news wasn't good. It bothered me a lot - they said that he would die from the tumors.

I don't dream about my father that much, any of my parents or family really, so this was more than a little surprising. I had to tell myself when I woke up that none of it was real.

Other than the dreams, I feel more tired than usual, but I guess that is to be expected. I don't feel sick or queasy - I think I thought I would, so I am glad that isn't the case.

I find myself wondering... I know these meds are powerful. I wonder how fast my viral load count is going down. How long would it be before I would really see a difference? Will I feel a difference?

I have friends who had extremely high viral loads going into therapy, and they say that they feel so much better. My viral load was really fairly low in comparison, so I don't know if I should expect to feel 'better' or not. I hope so - it would be great to feel more energy, better mood, etc.

Side Effects - Day 1

May Cause Drowsiness

Truvada & Sustiva

HIVTV

My 1st video blog of this experience

Day 1 of meds, side effects etc

Well - it was an intense day for me. I went to the pharmacy, got the meds - and rather than wait until bedtime as I should have - decided to take them right away.

At first - I thought - a little drowsy - nothing too much. I waited an hour, had some food - and then the drowsiness really kicked in! I thought it would be an hour nap tops. It was closer to 3. And the dreams! VIVID INTENSE DREAMS! It was like watching movies and trailers for movies the whole time I was asleep. It was surreal.

I woke up, took a shower - and I feel more normal now, but I think I am in for the night. I shouldn't push it, although - it's Friday and I really would like to do something.

I played with my video blog...

http://www.youtube.com/user/HIVTV

It's different than just sitting down and writing - a whole new experience. I kind of enjoy it, but I don't know how often I will really have an excuse to use it. I don't want it to be overkill.

I feel positive today - I am taking the steps I need to be healthy. There is still a part of me that is resistive to the whole med thing. I hope that will change as I get used to it.

People have been contacting me, supporting me, giving me advice, calling me an idiot for taking them so early in the day... All of them are appreciated.

GO!

OK - it's my 1st day on meds. I just took them about an hour ago.

If you want to check it out - I started a video blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXCVyVyU4pA

It's all there in ugly detail...

Get Set...

I am sitting in the hotel guest business room, looking forward to coming home this afternoon. The problems with my work laptop have been resolved, and I should be receiving it sometime tomorrow. Finally I will be able to catch up on some work that has been sitting in an unusable machine...

I thought a lot yesterday about starting meds tomorrow. I keep wondering if I am starting too early - potentially making things worse down the road. I tell myself - I know what the outcome is if I wait too long, and it isn't good. Even if I weren't to get sick, I risk damaging my immune system to the point it might not ever fully recover. That's a risk I can't take. In my mind, I am preparing for this - I need to be convinced it is the right thing to do.

I am thinking a lot about my ex, too. My friends all tell me that he wasn't / isn't a good person - that I should be grateful to be away. I keep reminding myself that I was EMOTIONALLY ABUSED. I have to tell myself that repeatedly, reminding myself of the emotional roller-coaster he put me on. He couldn't have done a better job of that if he had planned it all out - and it seems sometimes like he did.

I didn't think he was capable of that kind of abuse, but - I remember what he did to me, and I have to accept that he isn't going to change. I will never get an explanation because there is no explanation for abuse. It's a cycle that repeats and doesn't stop until a person recognizes their behavior and makes an effort to change it.

I won't keep silent about it. That just enables him to move on to the next person and treat them the same way, thinking that he will get away with it based on charm and deceit.

There has been so much to deal with over the last 6-8 months. I wonder how I get through this sometimes, but there is no other choice really. I keep plugging away, hoping that it gets better, that life becomes fun again. In the meantime, it's about putting one foot in front of the other, reminding myself that there is a goal. I won't reach the goal by standing still - I have to point myself forward and go there.

People tell me it gets better. But sometimes I wonder. Does it get better? Or do some people just get used to the new problems and become inured to them? I don't want to think that is the case. I know that there are some problems that will not go away now. But I hope that I can learn to navigate them and find some amount of happiness despite all that has happened and will happen.

I am getting ready to go into the office for several hours this morning before catching my flight. A few more hours of distraction...

Ready...

The picture is maybe a bit of over-kill, but it shows a bit of how I am feeling.

I spoke with my physician yesterday, and I will plan on starting the anti-retroviral medicines on Friday. I feel good about the decision, but I admit that I am nervous about it at the same time.

I realize that starting therapy was inevitable from the moment I was diagnosed, but it still stings. This will require a greater deal of discipline than has been required in my life to this point. The idea that I need to take a certain number of pills at the same time each day, regardless of what is going on is intimidating. I know there are many people who do it, but I question how long it will take me to make this a habit or ritual to the point where I don't even think about it.

The bigger question for me right now, is what effect if any this will have on my life-style. Will I feel sick? Will I have diarrhea? Will I need to be careful about what social situations I put myself into? It's all kind of up in the air.

I have chatted with people who are on the same therapy that I will be taking, and almost universally they say it is easy with limited to no side-effects. I hope that is the case. I fear looking at myself in the mirror and seeing changes such as facial wasting, bloated stomach or a buffalo hump.

But, I need to remember, whatever changes I may experience are worth living without disease. The effects of opportunistic diseases on my body and body image would be far worse than what might happen with meds.

I come home tomorrow. I am looking forward to being in my own home again. The plan at this moment is to be home next week while I start the meds. I hope that the worst of the side effects will be over by the time that I travel again, week after next.

I will keep you all posted.

Today is better

I slept well last night for the 1st time in a week. I also had a decent meal for a change. It's made for a morning that seems much better, a little brighter in a mental sense.

I still don't know a lot about what is going to happen with my work PC. I will either be getting a new one, or if the motherboard on order comes in first, the old one repaired. In any case, The only means of blogging or chatting is to come into work early and write a few things down.

I called my HIV doctor yesterday and left a message - hoping that he would phone in my prescriptions for the anti-retrovirals. My local pharmacy is a nationwide chain, so if they are on file in Chicago - I can pick them up pretty much where ever on the road. It would at least give me some peace of mind that I would never be far away from the meds, if I would happen to forget them back home.

There are other people here in the office now, so continuing to write at this moment isn't as easy as I would like. Suffice it to say, today is better.

Texas is Hot!

And not in the exciting sense. I think the high where I am is supposed to be 97 degrees - and talk about muggy...

I am still recovering from my funk yesterday. Maybe it's just because I am tired.

My laptop is either being repaired or I will be issued a new one. It depends on which shows up 1st, the new laptop or the motherboard for my old pc. I see pros and cons to each solution - but I still like the idea of a new pc.

I am not sure how long I will be here this week. I will definitely be home on Thursday at the latest, but might come home earlier, depending on the computer situation. Without a dedicated laptop, I am limited in what I can achieve, but still, they want me here. I am fine with that. I am hoping that a change of scenery will help me work out of the hole I got into yesterday.

On the Road Again...

All music aside - I am back to Texas for work. This has been a hell of a long week, and I am so hoping that this one goes better than the last.

I got a call last night from my team mate who told me that I shouldn't even bother to come down without a computer. But, I am hoping that I can have a new one fed-exed to me with the old hard drive installed. I will call about that today as soon as I arrive at my destination.

It has to be better this week. My mood can't go much lower and misadventures on the road haven't been that frequent before, I don't see why this week should be more or less eventful than others.

What I really want - is to get away from all the worries and doubts that have been battling in my brain. The HIV is relatively simple in the long run. It's going to be an issue of adhering to medications and living a healthier lifestyle. The medications will be easy. The healthier lifestyle bit will be harder.

I know I don't eat right. I have always been a light eater with a poor sense of appetite. I can go several days between meals with a snack here and there. It drives my friends crazy. I don't hate food - I love it. But it can be a hassle between preparing and clean-up when I don't even feel that hungry. This isn't a good sign, because I know that many anti-retrovirals don't do appetite good to begin with...

Anyway - I need to get out of here. The plane isn't going to wait for me as I found out several weeks ago!

Today

I don't like writing today - but I feel like I have to. I want to be condifent and happy - but I'm not.

I feel confused, upset, angry, disappointed, resentful, sad, anxious, punished, belittled, frustrated - I could go on. All these things swimming around my head like sharks ready to go into a feeding frenzy.

Why is it that one day a week - almost always Sundays - I go through this? I know it isn't work, because god knows I am looking forward to being back on the road - even though I don't know what I am going to do without a computer. And this isn't just the HIV. I know that plays a lot into it, but there are other things as well.

I know I don't have control - control is an illusion. I have the power to affect and change my own life - but I swear there are times when it just gets overwhelming. Part of me thinks - change your attitude and change your mind - distract yourself from what is bothering you. The other part says that I need to FEEL this - experience it and find understanding. I don't know if that is possible if I don't let myself experience everything that is happening to and around me.

I want to explode and yell and be upset. I've done that - and sometimes it helps. But I don't feel like I have given myself permission to do that. Growing up - I was always the peacemaker. I tried to keep everything around me calm - and I still do that. Most of the time it works. People respond well to calm rational communication. Situations resolved with this approach generally have much better outcomes.

I have cried and allowed myself to feel bad. I know and expect that there will be bad days. We all have them whether or not we have HIV. It's just that right now - this is so much harder than I have had to face in recent memory. Not since the death of my sister, anyway. And at least with that I had a sense of closure - I knew what happened. I understood and accepted it with time.

Now - I don't understand what is happening in a purely emotional sense. I try to put the pieces in place. I do therapy - I talk about these things. But sometimes it feels like talking just isn't enough and doesn't do anygood anyway. I know that's not true, but it feels like it. The gut level animal wants to let out the rage and the fury.

I will be alright. I know this. I may always have hurt and pain because I will never have understanding of somethings. Part of that will always be there. Most people have pain. Most people suffer somewhere in their lives. I really feel that I am lucky that I haven't had more of it in my life. I can accept the HIV. Things happen, mistakes are made. But when people that I care for appear to intentionally cause me pain and not explain why - it's just so freaking cruel. Some people have told me to get revenge - to tell everyone his name and everything he did to me. I just can't fight back like that. It isn't who I am.

I think about dogs. You can tell the ones that are abused because they always shy away and cower when someone tries to pet them. They can never be sure what will be pleasure and what will be pain when it comes to their masters hand, or any other hand for that matter.

I don't want to be like this - I want to be capable of accepting affection without wondering if it will be turned around on me to cause hurt.

It's going to take work.

Comments from a reader...

Hi Everybody - I got this e-mail from a man in California today, describing his journey with HIV.

" I wanted to congratulate you on your website and your drive to make a difference. I have known I am HIV+ since April 1st 2005 (yes, that was on April Fool’s Day, when I was informed of my status), I know when I first found out (as expected) I crashed hard, but bounced back quickly and I had to push myself hard to get to a point that I could function again. I did good for awhile, but my problem came when those around me (that new my status) didn’t think I was handling it correctly and had a preconceived idea of how I was supposed to behave (depressed, sick .. blah, blah, blah), unfortunately I fell for it and ended up this needy, depressed, weak, shell of a person. In a matter of weeks I crashed again and this time I did not believe I could ever get up. I would only allow myself to feel good when I was around the same people that made me think this way. The only problem was they didn’t realize it, because now I was acting the part. I was an emotional wreck and went through bouts of suicide, severe depression, and major anxiety attacks. This lasted for months, I was a student at the time and ended barley passing the classes I was taking, and also never went back when the next semester started. When I hit my low-low, I was not sure what to do, I honestly did not want to live any longer, I took a ‘few’ sleeping pills and prayed it would end. Luckily for me my soul was not ready for my body/mind to give up. I lied down after I took the pills and for some unknown reason I became agitated, hyper, and very alert, the opposite reaction that the pills should have had. I could feel the heaviness of exhaustion inside, but it would not come out. I sat up and cried. My mind raced for the rest of the night, by the time the sun came up the next morning I knew my life was changing again. I realized that I person I became was not who I was and began to feel disgusted, but alive. I immediately went to my computer and wrote out my feelings, and wrote, and wrote. I pour all of my feelings into words and then read it aloud to myself. Reality came back and I began my climb back up, the first step was to tell those around me that I was OK and I would be that way, I welcomed there help, but I did not want it unless I asked for it. Surprisingly they were very good about it, as if they understood. I then decided to semi-isolate myself from most of them, only to show myself I was strong enough to do this on my own (to a degree). I started therapy about the same time, and it helped dramatically. Now I had another outlet for my emotions and I released. A few months of therapy and things started to level off again. I am not back to who I was before I found out of my status, I never will be. That door was opened and now it is closed, I can do nothing about the how, the why, the where, all I can do now is deal with who I am now. I am the same person, but now I have my scarlet letter, how I display it, is up to me. HIV is a life changing event, even for those around you. I don’t regret telling those who are close to me, I do regret not knowing how they would react to such a major change and expect them to understand and be able to help me through it. They are now a huge part of my support, but only because I know what support I need. I know now that talking with others in the same situation and/or a mental health professional would have been the best way to go.

Something to know about me, I have always been very independent and strong willed, I never asked for help for anything. So for me to get to such a place and look back at it now, is still very upsetting and embarrassing, but we leave that for the therapist. J I have long passed the year mark now and I feel good. I think about things that have happened as a result of being HIV and the effect it has had on my life and those around me, and I do still cry, but shortly thereafter I smile and realize I am still alive, so be alive. One year passed on my new journey through life, I may have HIV, but my heart is stronger, my courage is stronger, my will to be here is stronger.

Congratulations and good luck on your mission, I have finally found mine. J "

I can certainly understand the desperation that goes along with this diagnosis. There are periods of isolation / feeling alone - whether it is true or not, feelings of abandonment and fear among the many others. What we need to remember is that life is a gift, and we have been given a unique perspective on what it means. 20 years ago, this virus was considered a death sentence. Now, we have a reprieve, and more reprieves every year with advances in science and medicine.

I think what we need now, is to continue to encourage understanding in ourselves as well as the people who share our communities and nation. By overcoming the fear and stigma associated with HIV, we will be better prepared to help those who are newly diagnosed, and the newly diagnosed will not be faced with the same issues that have so plagued us.

Thanks J for writing!

One other thing...

A friend of mine from on-line told me about his video-blog. I went and took a look - it was great fun! I started looking at other blogs and found one that I wanted to share. It's about a gay man being tested, fearing that he is positive. It is something that a lot of gay men go through when being tested, so I wanted to share it with all of you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNFJCtQfguU&search=hiv

It makes me wonder about doing my own...

Yesterday

I didn't post as much as I could have yesterday. I wanted to process the day before setting it in here.

I went to the dr. appointment as I said, the CD4 / T-cell count wasn't back. That bothered me, but what can you do? The dr. said he would call me when the result was in. He called later in the day - the result was essentially unchanged from the previous visit - up only by less than 10 points and still where he would like me to begin treatment.

I had thought about this quite a bit over the last week. I have been leaning towards starting regardless, but - and I know this sounds weird - I want to start because I want to, not because somebody else tells me I should. I weigh the pros and cons - and I know it is the right thing to do. If I wait, I risk serious damage to my immune system to the point it may never recover to pre-infection levels. The cons are damage to the liver and kidneys, although this appears less likely with the new medications.

The choice is made. I will start medications next week. I travel to Texas again this week, so I don't think now is the time to start. The following week will be spent working from home, so any initial side-effects will be easier to manage knowing I don't have to be anywhere.

In other news, I went to a local club called Hydrate for an HIV+ social / get together, whatever you want to call it. I was hesitant to go - just really not my thing in many ways. I have never really identified myself with specific subgroups of gay culture before, and the idea of it was never really appealing. This is different though. The group at Hydrate may have been all or at least predominantly gay, but being HIV+ is really not related - different from being gay.

I had a good time. It was interesting to chat with people in person that I had met on-line. I am not the most social person in the world, so this was a big step for me. I will probably go again next month.

I am off to see my therapist - think we will chat about the second set of counts that I received this week...

Good Morning

Well - I am about to go and find out my t-cell count. I am not as optimistic about the result, mainly because the last week was so stressful, and stress can / does affect the count.

Still, I am encouraged by the VL drop. 36% is more than I hoped for, so I am pleased with that.

In the meantime - I am kind of bored. The amount of work I can do from home is pretty limited due to the PC accident. I am trying to relax and reflect...

The good news and the not bad, but frustrating news...

I ran to the doctors office like I said I would and just asked to see the results of the most recent testing...

The good news is - I managed to decrease my viral load with natural supplements by a whopping 36%! I was amazed to see such a dramatic change. I hope it keeps working this way.

The not so great frustrating news is - they lost the t-cell count. It was disappointing to be sure. I really wanted to see a change in that as well...

In any case - it's good that I went in and found out the one lab was lost - easy enough to draw more blood and the result should be in tomorrow. I am not as optimistic about this result - mostly due to the amount of stress that I have had to deal with this last week, between travel problems and the destroyed PC, lack of proper sleep - etc...

I will keep you all informed.

Home again

I made it home - some fun things happened that made the trip seem worthwhile. I actually ran into my parents from Iowa at O'Hare! The timing that had to happen so that I would see them - one in a million? I had to come home early, miss the flight I thought I was booked on, took a woman I met on the plane to where she needed to be - just to be able to run into my folks.

It really made me re-think about how bad everything was this trip!

Today - I am going to try to go take a look at my most recent labs. Like I have said before - I plan on starting meds this week, but it would be good to know exactly how things are progressing. I am a little stressed about it, but hanging in there I think.

I will tell more when I have the info.

The Hell of 6-6-06

Man - what a day! I seriously was beginning to feel cursed...

My hotel didn't have hot water OR air conditioning that worked. I didn't sleep well, because let's face it - Houston is HOT. Stumbling around in the morning, I managed to spill a can of soda onto my laptop - of course it's dead now.

I had to run up to Dallas to my corporate office to start the process of getting a new laptop. I am hoping they can retrieve all the data that was on the hard drive, if not just switch the hard drive into the new pc.

It was an exuhausting day to be sure. I am currently at the airport accessing a pc here. I will be back in Chicago this afternoon and will be happy as Hell to be home...

I am going to see if I can get the results of my recent blood word early. I don't think it would be good to sit around for 2 days waiting.

In Other News...

This one isn't very happy touchy feely either...

http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060606/LIFESTYLE03/606060378/1040

It's an article relating slower HIV drug discoveries, the delays with vaccines and the like.

On the brightside...

http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/science/20060606-9999-1m6aids.html

This article describes a robot to automate the search for possible HIV vaccine candidates.

And the happiest one to my eyes...

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/04/07/MNGH6I59Q61.DTL

This article describes stem cell therapy to alter the human immune system to combat HIV without the need to anti-retrovirals. The article is concise and informative, giving an excellent review of the procedure. The article also relates that 'several' patients have been doing well with this therapy.

The Continuing Stigma of HIV / AIDS

I saw this in on on-line edition of a newspaper from Lacrosse WI.

http://www.lacrossetribune.com/articles/2006/06/05/news/02aids05.txt

The article doesn't really tell us anything we don't already know, but it's good that it is reported - hopefully will educate more people and cause some people to re-think their prejudices.

From a reader...

I received an e-mail from a reader - he gave me permission to publish part of what he wrote.

"One I have not heard you mention yet is the HIV+ casualness about sex with other HIV+ guys. I know gay men in general are fairly casual about sex, but there is a subset of the HIV group that sort of believes live and let live with regard to sex. Since they are infected, they feel they can have sex with each other without protection. It kind of freaks me out. There is some research to suggest that having unsafe sex can lead to super infection, etc. When I first considered dating again, I met some guys who invited me to join an HIV+ sex club. I jumped back in the HIV closet and have avoided dating since.

I also seem to find a lot of guys who prior to getting HIV, lead very promiscuous lives, including sex parties, etc. Not my scene. No surprise some of them are poz. I feel cheated, because I was being careful, dating without sex (hard to do) and trying to find a relationship. Serial monogamy leading to long term commitment was my hope.

Now, being celibate has almost become easy. Sex, and drinking (which is probably why I don't remember unsafe sex - I was drunk) are two things I don't have much interest in any longer. Hence, I'm not much of a bar frequenter any longer.

Anyway, just curious if you have run into the same preponderance of HIV+ guys who are casual about sex. You seem to share some of the same beliefs about sex, I think, that I do."


I have to admit - I am surprised by the number of men I see continuing to engage in high risk sexual behaviors. I understand the need to express oneself sexually, but to do so without safe sex practices appears to be irresponsible precisely for the reason the reader has stated. By combining strains of HIV, there is the risk of creating super-infections. It is possible that by combining strains of HIV, a new strain will be created that will be resistant to current medications.

It is difficult to assess what percentage of gay men actually engage in this type of behavior. I don't believe that the men I see on gay.com are a representative sample of the entire gay population afflicted with HIV. Of the men on gay.com, I wonder how many advertising for risky sexual encounters actually engage in them as well.

Any thoughts?

Thanks to the reader who wrote to me.

Made it...

I am finally in the hotel room after a long day of travel and work. I managed to get some food with a co-worker, so all is good.

I found myself thinking about my doctor appointment this Friday. I don't know what to expect, but part of me thinks - the decision is going to be to start meds. I would have to see a dramatic decrease in viral load to come to any other decision. I have several friends who are keen on my keeping up with the supplements as my primary defense. I like the idea of natural treatments, but I don't know that they will be able to match the potency of pharma meds.

I am less worried about the idea of pharma treatment now - I have met enough people who have been on treatment long enough without side effects to know that it shouldn't be that bad.

My friend Mark came over last night - cooked for him and we watched the 2nd part of the Frontline documentary on AIDS. I was very impressed, but people tell me the 1st part of the series was better. In any case, the show had much to say about the anti-retrovirals and the impact they have had on the crisis. The conclusion is obvious - the meds work. They may be toxic, but less so than first generation options. With the introduction of these medications, the mortality of HIV and subsequent infections dropped dramatically. They were designed to act against HIV and did so very well. What is obvious to me - is that by creating an undetectable viral load, the health of AIDS patients improved. The link between HIV and subsequent opportunistic infections is therefore made apparent.

So I made it to work, and it seems like, maybe I have made a decision...

The bags are packed...

The last week was at points, slow, hectic, fast-paced, enjoyable, emotionally draining and at points boring. That's what happens when I work from home. I am surrounded by my apartment for most of the hours of the day.

That changes today. I am leaving for work - which means flying out of town for 4 days. I am looking forward to getting back into a normal routine and the change of scenery. I probably won't have as much time to think about what is going on in my life... which is good, because I am waiting for the second set of counts to come back. Based on those - I will decide whether or not to start treatment.

I will try and keep up here with the blog. There is much to say based on some e-mails I received over the weekend.

Stay tuned...

Something that is bothering me today

It's still Sunday - and I am still having a hard day. I have been out, done some things that I thought might spark and improved mood. But I get home, sit infront of the computer and every other click reminds me of the ex. The problem is - he purchased and registered my computer for me using his name - I gave him the cash to do it - and now - there is no way to remove his name from the system without re-installing the system. This would mean that every application that I have purchased by download would be useless or limited in functionality.

It is frustrating to try and forget this guy and everything he did to me when I am constantly reminded by little things like this. I know that I won't be able to eliminate his memory, but to have all these constant little irksome reminders...

The Lightning Rod Effect

You know? One of the things I tell myself is that I won't blame HIV for the end of a relationship, or for anything that goes wrong in my life. The simple fact is, whatever happens - happens because of how I handle a situation. By encouraging this attitude in myself, I decrease the risk of losing my self-responsibility.

But here I am... All of the sudden I hear myself saying, "I can't talk to that guy. What's the point? I have HIV, nothing will happen and I will feel bad." But the truth of it is, I was shy before this and always had a hard time approaching guys I find attractive. I never had an excuse before, other than the simple fact of being afraid to put myself out there. This isn't to say I have never dated or formed good relationships - it's just been a lot harder to initiate.

But now I have a lightning rod to attatch everything that will go wrong with meeting guys in the future. Sure, there are going to be guys who can't handle me being HIV+, sure - there will be relationships where the virus will be an issue - but it won't be the only issue and it won't be an impossible one to overcome. Difficult to be sure, but not impossible.

In psychological terms, this is an example of an external locus of control. The concept describes someone who blames everything and everyone around him or her for their failures and successes. This is contrasted with the internal locus of control where the individual gives credit or blame to themselves only for successes and failures. The ideal is a balance, being able to correctly identify sources of success and failure. Some of these have external causes, some internal and some a combination of both. The trick is to able to realize this and stay balanced.

I don't understand why, but it seems like I always have a hard time with Sundays. I am much more likely to feel moody and down. I guess part of it is the idea that it is the end of the weekend, that work will keep me occupied for the next week, the typical hassles of the work week, etc. The problem is that I let this ruin what would otherwise be a beautiful day. That is something else I need to work on.

OK - it's not that bad. But- I guess I need to expect ups and downs. Maybe I was just tired last night - it was a busy day, lots to do. But I did feel discouraged by the end of it. I can't say that it was HIV related - I got discouraged with the scene before I knew as well. It seems like guys that I am attracted to will pay attention one week, and be over it the next. Maybe I am too shy and too much effort is involved - maybe they are shy as well. Or maybe that's just an excuse.

It's nice to have attention paid to you that's innocent, playful. But sometimes I swear - I either feel like I am being pursued or being avoided. And I don't know why I even care! It's not like I am trying to start anything, but it is good to know that there is the option of exploring that.

OK - a shower will change my perspective - getting out in the day will brighten my mood...

Fun with Cameras

I have had this thing for water images lately. I decided to get some of them out of my head. The images that I chose are organic, almost cellular. They spark something in my brain - I guess given my current situation that is understandable. Click on the image for the full size - they look better that way.

UPDATE - my friend told that these were pics of water swirling around a drain - that this is maybe how I feel psychologically. I really don't think so...LOL - but it's an interesting perspective.... ;)

Once again... this bugs me...

I go on Gay.com often. I have friends there - I look for information and conversation there with people who are in my position. What bugs me - and it really bugs me... is when guys with naked pics and suggestive screen names contact me. I understand that a lot of these guys maybe just want to chat - but when I see a pic of an butt staring me in the face - I think the guy is an ass. When I see a pic of a penis looking right up at me - I think - this guy is a dick. I want no part of it. If they want to put naked pics in their profiles - fine - make them private - I don't want to see them. If I am curious, I will ask.

Maybe I am just cynical - but when a guy with a naked pic contacts me - I think he must be looking for sex. If they are honestly just looking for conversation, then get another screen name with a simple face shot, or no shot at all. Quite honestly, the guys with these pornographic pics - aren't guys I would look at twice anyway. I sometimes think that the cyber-age has allowed flashers to do their flashing in the comfort of their own homes.

I just don't appreciate it.

Reflections on the day

I had a good day. I went to a therapist appointment, bought a couple of framed photographs and an antique Mah Jongg set at a yard sale, chatted and got together with friends and enjoyed the great weather we are having. I laid down for a bit when I got home - just relaxing - and I had this dream... I dreamt that I was getting ready to have sex with this guy. He started to act kind of strange in the dream, and I said, "I'm not ready for this..." and started to walk away. He chases after me and hits me over the head. I was able to get away in the dream. I woke up and thought about it - I already know that I am not ready for a sexual encounter - why is my subconscious wasting my time telling me something that I already know?

I was talking with my best friend on the phone just a moment ago. We talked about a lot of things - but the conversation turned to relationships - what we are looking for - the usual. Just because I am not in a relationship or even want to be in one right now doesn't mean that I don't want that in the future.

The guys that I chat with on-line all seem to agree that poz guys should date poz guys. I can understand that way of thinking, but I don't know that I agree 100%. Many have mentioned failed relationships with men who were HIV negative. They all blamed HIV status as the reason for the break-up. But I have to wonder if there weren't other issues going on, if maybe the HIV status issue wasn't just a lightning rod for the other problems faced in the relationship. Let's face it - neg/neg relationships aren't all that successful either. Neither are poz/poz relationships.

It occurs to me that relationships need open honest communication to work. To say that poz men should only date poz men is to my mind like saying that diabetics should only date diabetics, that people with cancer should only date people with cancer. I realize that there is a big difference here with HIV. You can't catch diabetes and you can't catch cancer... But every illness creates issues in a relationship for both the person afflicted and the partner who is disease free.

Maybe time and experience will give me a better perspective on this issue. I will keep you posted.

Update: www.hivsurvivorsproject.org

The construction page is now up, so everything is going as expected...

update 2 = email to the project site

The e-mail isn't working yet, but the address will be...

admin@hivsurvivorsproject.org

in the meantime, continue to contact me at

dayhill@rcn.com

Update on www.hivsurvivorsproject.org

I just received an e-mail stating that the domain is active. If you click on it you should see a page under construction message. I tried - still says not found... Hopefully soon.

The Project - and a request for help

Morning folks. I have been debating this one for more than a week. The more I speak to people here, the more I realize how invisibility and subsequent isolation have a devastating impact on people with this virus. I believe that many people want to be seen. I understand that too many people are rightly afraid of discrimination and harassment if they are known to have HIV, but still need support systems that are all too often difficult to reach.

For this reason, I have decided to see what I can do about creating a web-site for people with HIV. The name of the site is registered now and will be...

www.hivsurvivorsproject.org

It is pending, so if you try and go there - you will get a site not found error.

The idea is simply this. I want to create a site where people living with HIV can tell their own story and be seen. It is a place where people with HIV can go to find others with the virus and know that it is not an ending, but a beginning. All too often this virus is seen as a death sentence. We as a community need something to educate our and the general population that people with HIV are leading normal productive lives in good health.

admittedly - there are many people not doing well with this virus. Their story needs to be told as well. I won't have this issue be sugar coated. But this virus leads to more pain, misery and death because of ignorance. That is one thing that we as a community can overcome, and I hope that this project can serve in that fight.

At this time, I need help if you are interested. I will be asking around on my own, but if you or anyone you know has good web-design skills, and willing to donate their services - I would love to talk to you or them. Potential individual or corporate sponsors are welcome as well. This will be non-profit, but there will be costs that I will need to underwrite.

I am somewhat worried that this may be too large a project to take on on my own. If someone with deep pockets and skills wants to take this over at some point, I would be more than happy to let them do it. I want this to be a successful resource for our community. I would like to see the vision through and have it up and running - any help would be greatly appreciated.

The Joy of Synchronicity...

Carl Jung defined the term synchronicity to describe an event with meaningful coincidence. It's like when you are thinking of a friend and then suddenly run into them. It happens to all of us from time to time - it happened to me again last night.

I was out with the intent of getting some food - but had been inside my place all day infront of the computer working and exchanging e-mails with people from here. Chatting on breaks, etc. I decided that it would be nice to make an early run to my favorite bar - Sidetracks - just to see if anyone I knew was around.

I had been thinking about my friend Jeffrey. He and I went to high school together. He was one of the 1st gay people I ever met. We are both members of a group of friends that goes all the way back to high school - some straight - some gay. I love all these people very much. So imagine my surprise when after not having seen him in at least a year and a half - I ran into him and one of his friends last night!

I have been telling my close friends about my status since day one - and I didn't want to leave him out, so I took him aside and filed him in on the details. He was great with it as I knew he would be. His friend came over, and I didn't shield it from him - he was great with it too. His friends' name is Michael. Michael and his partner Rick have been together for 4 years.

It was - I don't know - show tunes hour? at Sidetracks while we were there. I don't generally get into that - but we had fun with it. The crowd goes nuts for certain songs - for example - Madonna singing 'Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" - getting into it as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It is hilarious! So we played along.

While we were having fun, I pointed out a guy who I have always thought was cute as (insert adjective here) for a long time. You know - eye candy - but not like ohmygod hot eye candy - just what I find to be cute. I am sure a lot of people would agree with me. I had always thought he was way too young to do anything but look and smile. Jeffrey... Jeffrey is not shy. He and I are like opposite sides of the same gay coin. He just went up and started talking to him. He isn't nearly as young as I thought. He is certainly within the age range that I like to be in when dating - close to my own age. A little younger - but only by several years.

Then Michaels partner Rick shows up - and we start chatting as well. It turns out they are good friends with this guy. Rick wanted to introduce me, but I said no. He asked why - I told him the situation. This is all too new to get someone else involved. I have some major trust issues with men right now - and it wouldn't be fair to put someone new into a situation that I don't quite have figured out yet. And this is all even assuming that the guy would be interested...

But isn't it strange how things like this happen? Just a weird set of coincidences, I guess. I mean - it is a small community, but not that small...

I am not trying to get all new agey on anybody, but I do have certain beliefs about how life works. There are certain people who are supposed to be in your life for whatever reason. If you don't make the effort to seek them out and maintain contact, well... life will do it for you. I need to believe that there is meaning behind events like the one I am facing - that this has something to teach me that is very important to my development. My relationships with friends are a huge part of that process and I am going to embrace it to whatever end.

The picture with this post, by the way - is entitled 'Love Knot'

Trying to wake up

Good morning and happy Friday!

Darts - well - my teammate and I played well last night, but the guys we played against were just too damned good! Our team in general did well - at least held our own and tied the match. So that's something to be happy with I guess. It seems like we do better every week.

Playing last night helped my mood. Getting the blood tests yesterday - that's something I am going to have to get used to. It wasn't upsetting - didn't make me angry or depressed. It just kind of brought it all home again. Having blood tests is now a part of the landscape If anything was upsetting - was that the phlebotomist drew the blood from my throwing arm - and it felt like he stabbed me right in the elbow! I almost wondered if I would be able to throw without wincing in pain. It did feel better after and hour or so.

Anyway - I need a shower - think that will help my outlook a bit.

More weirdness - but good

I had the blood drawn - so next week I will see what the results are.

In the meantime - I was going through newsletters from a place where I used to work. Why they send me these things I don't know - but I have a hard time throwing them away. I decided to throw some of these things away, but glanced at one of the issues from last year. Who should I see a picture of, but one of the 1st guys I ever dated! Strange. But it made me smile. Seeing him brought back some memories of when I was 1st coming out - and how much things have changed. I mean - c'mon - this was going on - but not quite - 20 years ago. Man that is hard to believe.

I looked up his e-mail and sent him a quick note. Just to say hello, re-connect if only for a moment. It's nice to know that people who have been important to you at points in your life, reappear every now and again. And to see that they are doing well makes it feel great. It brightened a day that was filled with some anxiety.

I do enjoy when things like that happen! It makes me feel like somebody is watching out for me. Hope that doesn't sound too superstitious. ;)

I play darts tonight - so I am looking forward to that. I hope we play well - or at least hold our own!

Be Well

It's just a strange day...

I have decided that I am going in today to get my counts drawn. I was supposed to do it tomorrow, but I play darts tonight and will be out later than usual. I don't want to go in there tired and have it affect my counts - if that is possible, so I will do it today. It is making my mood weird. I want to see a good trend - numbers going in the right way - but I am a little nervous about what will happen if they aren't as good or as stable as I would like. I guess it will mean meds.

In the meantime, work is slow today. I started to watch a movie I rented yesterday called 'Dorian Blues'. I haven't finished it yet - just got back from laundry. But it is uncanny how closely I identify with the title character. If I were a paranoid - I would think these people had cameras trained on me since high school. If the title character gets HIV at the end - I will strongly consider filing a lawsuit.

Kidding

Who's with me on this one?

I propose that we start a Gay Securities and Exchange Commision. Gay men who pratice unethical relationship behaviors - trading their partners in when their perceived stock price goes down - could be charged and convicted of bad relationship behavior and sent to a facility to spend their days with others of their own kind.

We could probably get Falcon Video to underwrite the cost for the filming rights, since it would be a non-stop-sex-pig-orgy. So... we don't have to deal with the jerks, the jerks get to have all the pig sex they want and Falcon Video makes money. WIn Win Win.

Yes - the gay neighborhoods would be decimated and certain bars and bathhouses would suffer. But in the long-run - wouldn't it be worth it?

I don't know - too bitter?

Chatting away

I lot of people have found my blog from when I am chatting on Gay.com. It is comforting, but kind of over-whelming at the same time. I certainly don't mind chatting with people about this, it is actually very reassuring. But there are times when there are too many conversations going at the same time. That doesn't bother me, really. I just feel bad if I don't talk to everyone. I can only do 3 or so at a time to still be able to follow the conversations.

Then - I have this thing - not proud of it, but... I get weirded out when I see naked / pornographic pics of the guys trying to chat with me. I don't mind if all they are trying to do is chat. I am not ashamed of my body, I don't expect others to be - that it doesn't mean that they are looking for anything. But there are times when they do try to get me into conversations I don't want to have. So rather than start chatting, I clam up.

This happens sometimes with fully clothed guys as well - but not as often. That freaks me out even more. It especially is worrysome when someone who is neg starts coming onto me, or talking about barebacking. It really makes me wonder.

I was chatting with a guy - a young young guy - the other night, so confided that he has fantasies about being barebacked by someone who is poz. I hope that a fantasy is all it is. We have all heard the news reports about bug chasers and gift givers. I just shake my head. I don't know if I think it really exists to any real degree, but I am sure there are small numbers of people who fit the bill. I think the vast numbers of people who talk about this are expressing fear fantasies - I hope I am right about that.

If you are someone who reads this - and you try to chat with me with a naked pic... that's ok. But please make it obvious in your 1st line that you aren't looking for or want to talk about sex. That's something I can't do right now.

Be Well