The Lightning Rod Effect

You know? One of the things I tell myself is that I won't blame HIV for the end of a relationship, or for anything that goes wrong in my life. The simple fact is, whatever happens - happens because of how I handle a situation. By encouraging this attitude in myself, I decrease the risk of losing my self-responsibility.

But here I am... All of the sudden I hear myself saying, "I can't talk to that guy. What's the point? I have HIV, nothing will happen and I will feel bad." But the truth of it is, I was shy before this and always had a hard time approaching guys I find attractive. I never had an excuse before, other than the simple fact of being afraid to put myself out there. This isn't to say I have never dated or formed good relationships - it's just been a lot harder to initiate.

But now I have a lightning rod to attatch everything that will go wrong with meeting guys in the future. Sure, there are going to be guys who can't handle me being HIV+, sure - there will be relationships where the virus will be an issue - but it won't be the only issue and it won't be an impossible one to overcome. Difficult to be sure, but not impossible.

In psychological terms, this is an example of an external locus of control. The concept describes someone who blames everything and everyone around him or her for their failures and successes. This is contrasted with the internal locus of control where the individual gives credit or blame to themselves only for successes and failures. The ideal is a balance, being able to correctly identify sources of success and failure. Some of these have external causes, some internal and some a combination of both. The trick is to able to realize this and stay balanced.

I don't understand why, but it seems like I always have a hard time with Sundays. I am much more likely to feel moody and down. I guess part of it is the idea that it is the end of the weekend, that work will keep me occupied for the next week, the typical hassles of the work week, etc. The problem is that I let this ruin what would otherwise be a beautiful day. That is something else I need to work on.