Comments from a reader...

Hi Everybody - I got this e-mail from a man in California today, describing his journey with HIV.

" I wanted to congratulate you on your website and your drive to make a difference. I have known I am HIV+ since April 1st 2005 (yes, that was on April Fool’s Day, when I was informed of my status), I know when I first found out (as expected) I crashed hard, but bounced back quickly and I had to push myself hard to get to a point that I could function again. I did good for awhile, but my problem came when those around me (that new my status) didn’t think I was handling it correctly and had a preconceived idea of how I was supposed to behave (depressed, sick .. blah, blah, blah), unfortunately I fell for it and ended up this needy, depressed, weak, shell of a person. In a matter of weeks I crashed again and this time I did not believe I could ever get up. I would only allow myself to feel good when I was around the same people that made me think this way. The only problem was they didn’t realize it, because now I was acting the part. I was an emotional wreck and went through bouts of suicide, severe depression, and major anxiety attacks. This lasted for months, I was a student at the time and ended barley passing the classes I was taking, and also never went back when the next semester started. When I hit my low-low, I was not sure what to do, I honestly did not want to live any longer, I took a ‘few’ sleeping pills and prayed it would end. Luckily for me my soul was not ready for my body/mind to give up. I lied down after I took the pills and for some unknown reason I became agitated, hyper, and very alert, the opposite reaction that the pills should have had. I could feel the heaviness of exhaustion inside, but it would not come out. I sat up and cried. My mind raced for the rest of the night, by the time the sun came up the next morning I knew my life was changing again. I realized that I person I became was not who I was and began to feel disgusted, but alive. I immediately went to my computer and wrote out my feelings, and wrote, and wrote. I pour all of my feelings into words and then read it aloud to myself. Reality came back and I began my climb back up, the first step was to tell those around me that I was OK and I would be that way, I welcomed there help, but I did not want it unless I asked for it. Surprisingly they were very good about it, as if they understood. I then decided to semi-isolate myself from most of them, only to show myself I was strong enough to do this on my own (to a degree). I started therapy about the same time, and it helped dramatically. Now I had another outlet for my emotions and I released. A few months of therapy and things started to level off again. I am not back to who I was before I found out of my status, I never will be. That door was opened and now it is closed, I can do nothing about the how, the why, the where, all I can do now is deal with who I am now. I am the same person, but now I have my scarlet letter, how I display it, is up to me. HIV is a life changing event, even for those around you. I don’t regret telling those who are close to me, I do regret not knowing how they would react to such a major change and expect them to understand and be able to help me through it. They are now a huge part of my support, but only because I know what support I need. I know now that talking with others in the same situation and/or a mental health professional would have been the best way to go.

Something to know about me, I have always been very independent and strong willed, I never asked for help for anything. So for me to get to such a place and look back at it now, is still very upsetting and embarrassing, but we leave that for the therapist. J I have long passed the year mark now and I feel good. I think about things that have happened as a result of being HIV and the effect it has had on my life and those around me, and I do still cry, but shortly thereafter I smile and realize I am still alive, so be alive. One year passed on my new journey through life, I may have HIV, but my heart is stronger, my courage is stronger, my will to be here is stronger.

Congratulations and good luck on your mission, I have finally found mine. J "

I can certainly understand the desperation that goes along with this diagnosis. There are periods of isolation / feeling alone - whether it is true or not, feelings of abandonment and fear among the many others. What we need to remember is that life is a gift, and we have been given a unique perspective on what it means. 20 years ago, this virus was considered a death sentence. Now, we have a reprieve, and more reprieves every year with advances in science and medicine.

I think what we need now, is to continue to encourage understanding in ourselves as well as the people who share our communities and nation. By overcoming the fear and stigma associated with HIV, we will be better prepared to help those who are newly diagnosed, and the newly diagnosed will not be faced with the same issues that have so plagued us.

Thanks J for writing!