Get Set...

I am sitting in the hotel guest business room, looking forward to coming home this afternoon. The problems with my work laptop have been resolved, and I should be receiving it sometime tomorrow. Finally I will be able to catch up on some work that has been sitting in an unusable machine...

I thought a lot yesterday about starting meds tomorrow. I keep wondering if I am starting too early - potentially making things worse down the road. I tell myself - I know what the outcome is if I wait too long, and it isn't good. Even if I weren't to get sick, I risk damaging my immune system to the point it might not ever fully recover. That's a risk I can't take. In my mind, I am preparing for this - I need to be convinced it is the right thing to do.

I am thinking a lot about my ex, too. My friends all tell me that he wasn't / isn't a good person - that I should be grateful to be away. I keep reminding myself that I was EMOTIONALLY ABUSED. I have to tell myself that repeatedly, reminding myself of the emotional roller-coaster he put me on. He couldn't have done a better job of that if he had planned it all out - and it seems sometimes like he did.

I didn't think he was capable of that kind of abuse, but - I remember what he did to me, and I have to accept that he isn't going to change. I will never get an explanation because there is no explanation for abuse. It's a cycle that repeats and doesn't stop until a person recognizes their behavior and makes an effort to change it.

I won't keep silent about it. That just enables him to move on to the next person and treat them the same way, thinking that he will get away with it based on charm and deceit.

There has been so much to deal with over the last 6-8 months. I wonder how I get through this sometimes, but there is no other choice really. I keep plugging away, hoping that it gets better, that life becomes fun again. In the meantime, it's about putting one foot in front of the other, reminding myself that there is a goal. I won't reach the goal by standing still - I have to point myself forward and go there.

People tell me it gets better. But sometimes I wonder. Does it get better? Or do some people just get used to the new problems and become inured to them? I don't want to think that is the case. I know that there are some problems that will not go away now. But I hope that I can learn to navigate them and find some amount of happiness despite all that has happened and will happen.

I am getting ready to go into the office for several hours this morning before catching my flight. A few more hours of distraction...