Today

I don't like writing today - but I feel like I have to. I want to be condifent and happy - but I'm not.

I feel confused, upset, angry, disappointed, resentful, sad, anxious, punished, belittled, frustrated - I could go on. All these things swimming around my head like sharks ready to go into a feeding frenzy.

Why is it that one day a week - almost always Sundays - I go through this? I know it isn't work, because god knows I am looking forward to being back on the road - even though I don't know what I am going to do without a computer. And this isn't just the HIV. I know that plays a lot into it, but there are other things as well.

I know I don't have control - control is an illusion. I have the power to affect and change my own life - but I swear there are times when it just gets overwhelming. Part of me thinks - change your attitude and change your mind - distract yourself from what is bothering you. The other part says that I need to FEEL this - experience it and find understanding. I don't know if that is possible if I don't let myself experience everything that is happening to and around me.

I want to explode and yell and be upset. I've done that - and sometimes it helps. But I don't feel like I have given myself permission to do that. Growing up - I was always the peacemaker. I tried to keep everything around me calm - and I still do that. Most of the time it works. People respond well to calm rational communication. Situations resolved with this approach generally have much better outcomes.

I have cried and allowed myself to feel bad. I know and expect that there will be bad days. We all have them whether or not we have HIV. It's just that right now - this is so much harder than I have had to face in recent memory. Not since the death of my sister, anyway. And at least with that I had a sense of closure - I knew what happened. I understood and accepted it with time.

Now - I don't understand what is happening in a purely emotional sense. I try to put the pieces in place. I do therapy - I talk about these things. But sometimes it feels like talking just isn't enough and doesn't do anygood anyway. I know that's not true, but it feels like it. The gut level animal wants to let out the rage and the fury.

I will be alright. I know this. I may always have hurt and pain because I will never have understanding of somethings. Part of that will always be there. Most people have pain. Most people suffer somewhere in their lives. I really feel that I am lucky that I haven't had more of it in my life. I can accept the HIV. Things happen, mistakes are made. But when people that I care for appear to intentionally cause me pain and not explain why - it's just so freaking cruel. Some people have told me to get revenge - to tell everyone his name and everything he did to me. I just can't fight back like that. It isn't who I am.

I think about dogs. You can tell the ones that are abused because they always shy away and cower when someone tries to pet them. They can never be sure what will be pleasure and what will be pain when it comes to their masters hand, or any other hand for that matter.

I don't want to be like this - I want to be capable of accepting affection without wondering if it will be turned around on me to cause hurt.

It's going to take work.