Abstinence

After the last 6 months, sex hasn't been the 1st thing on my mind. 2nd or 3rd maybe, but a distant 2nd or 3rd. Between a bad end to a relationship and discovering that I am HIV positive - it's been, well - a few life altering events. Those events have changed priorities and my sex life has fallen prey to that.

I don't miss the sex per se. What I do miss is being close to someone, waking up with someone next to me. So it isn't the sexual abstinence that bothers me so much right now. The emotional abstinence is a little harder to get used to. I know that being alone - being a friend to myself - is an important thing to be able to do. But, I think building relationships is equally important - and for me - that can be kind of difficult.

I think it is for a lot of us. Being gay is easier now than it ever has been, I think. But being gay with HIV and trying to develop significant relationships is a hell of a lot more complicated. I have to decide - do I date guys who are positive exclusively? How do I know who is and who isn't? It's not like we walk around with signs or turn colors...

AND - when will I be ready? Only time will tell I guess...

Wanted to share this with you all

Hi folks. A guy who reads here wrote me an e-mail and he gave me permission to share..


"I have been infected for just a couple of weeks longer than one year. I am 44. I've given up trying to figure out how or by whom because I was practicing safe sex. Of course, I now realize why the official word is "safer" sex. Nothing is fool proof except abstinence. In my case the doctor caught it almost immediately at sero-conversion. Luckily, I have a gay doctor. I had flu like symptoms, and a weird rash. The doc thought it might be syphilis. When I went to get the syphilis test, they tested me for HIV. I thought nothing of it because I had a negative HIV test 3 weeks earlier. Su-prise Su-prise! Anyway, my point of telling you all this is that my HIV doc put me on meds immediately under the fairly new theory that catching the virus during sero-conversion and starting HAART may improve long-term immune function because it does not have time to replicate and get into deep tissue or other hiding spots. Who knows. I hate being on meds, mainly because I hate putting a foreign substance in my body. It has to have a long term negative effect - even if it does prolong my life."

What I think is... yes, if possible and when advisable AND as long as your physician agrees, see what you can do to wait before medications. The long term impact is unknown so we are taking some chances in this regard. We DO KNOW THE LONG TERM IMPACT OF HIV INFECTION. That impact is far worse than what may or may not happen years down the road. So these medications are useful. You just need to make sure that you are ready to be on these meds.

Also - remember - there are better treatments and medications coming. In the meantime, we are buying ourselves time. I hope, as I am sure all of you do, that less toxic medications and treatments will be available soon.

Thanks to David for the e-mail and letting me copy part of it here.

A new me

Just a new haircut, always makes me feel better about things!

The Little Things

Mean a lot? Well - the little things give my day structure. They provide me with daily landmarks that are familiar and comfortable. Some things don't change, and it is nice to have those things around to keep me grounded in this unfamiliar territory.

I am talking about things like - the smell of the shampoo, the feel of the hot shower against my skin, the cat yowling at me because she can see the bottom of her supper dish... The list goes on and on. These things are small, but they represent 'normal'. They represent a life that isn't really out of the ordinary in most ways. Sure - there are some new, strange and frightening aspects to my life now, but these little things - they haven't changed.

I get contacted by people on gay.com frequently. A lot of the people who contact me offer encouragement and support for which I am extremely grateful. But there are others who have contacted me - because they are afraid of the virus. It's a healthy fear to be sure... but last night, a young man told me he didn't think he could go on living if he finds out that he has HIV. I understand that thinking. When I was his age - HIV had just been identified as the source of AIDS. I remember thinking - 'So this is how I die.' I thought - if I get this - I will have an 'accident' and no one will be the wiser.

Age has given me some perspective, and luckily time has provided us with treatments that offer real hope to those who suffer with this virus. While I understand the despair that this diagnosis brings, we need to be able to step back and remember, that this only changes our lives as much as we let it. Those little day to day things won't change, and in the end... those little things mean a lot.

A little piece of me

I cut myself shaving today. I saw this little drop of red forming on my chin - and I just stared. The 1st thing that popped into my mind was - this little bit of me... contains this deadly virus in unbelievable numbers. I just couldn't believe it. This is something we have all grown used to seeing from time to time. It's part of a common experience. And here it is - it is a completely new and frightening realization. This little bit of me contains something that is responsible for death and misery throughout the world.

I went to work, but this small incident demanded my attention for most of the morning. I thought about it. And I thought about it some more.

It occurs to me... this drop of blood. It isn't what it contains, rather it is what it means. It means I am still alive. It means I can feel pain and joy, laugh and cry, that as long as I can bleed my heart beats and I am alive! it means I AM HUMAN. This virus that's in there, is not part of me. It does not define who I am and what I feel. It may have tagged along for the ride, but it isn't going to decide where that ride goes.

So good and so good for you...

Caffeine folks. Yes, I am talking about one of our favorite friends...

It seems that caffeine limits the ability of the HIV virus to replicate. Here's a link that shows what I am talking about.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=15840517&dopt=Abstract

Check it out if you get time!

Remember - just because it limits HIV replication in a test tube, does not mean it will have that effect in your body. But, who know?

Happy Memorial Day

Yes - it's a holiday to remember our soldiers who fell in the line of duty. Let's also take some time to remember those who died of AIDS. They fought a battle every bit as brave and gave those of us who remain the chance to lead longer healthy lives. Without the sacrifice of those who were infected with HIV, and supported research into new treatments by being research subjects... well - it would be a very different world for most people.

Looking both ways before crossing the street

I was getting a package from UPS the other day. I stepped across the street to the delivery van and signed for the package. As I was signing, a car went around me and I honestly just turned my head to look. The driver grabbed my shoulder as if I was about to step infront of the car. It makes me chuckle to myself, because - after 42 years without any major accidents, I have yet to be hit by a car. But for some reason - whenever I step up to a crossing, people think I am the type of person to run into traffic.

Maybe I look oblivious...

But - I count my blessings. Having people stopping you from stepping into oncoming traffic are better than people who would let you walk into it, or worse - push you into it. ;) I see that people care about me and want me to be well. That makes me feel good. Even strangers like the UPS man show a degree of humanity that warms my heart. The simple acts of kindness and positive regard make me think that maybe humans aren't such a bad species after all...

So many people have been so kind to me these last several weeks. I keep wondering if someone is going to go off on me and let me have it - say things like I deserve what happened to me, or call me ugly names. It hasn't happened yet, and thank god it wasn't my first experience. If it does happen now - I have the experience of having been accepted and supported by so many people, that I would hope it doesn't make a difference. People care. And they will try and protect me from being hurt.

So - if you see me at a street crossing... by all means grab my shoulder. I won't be offended. Hopefully, I can stop you from being hurt as well.

Be Well

Blessed with Lemonaid

Sorry to go all Pollyanna on you all, but I am truly amazed at how kind and supportive people are with this, how well they respond. I know there are people out there that can be cruel - seen it first hand. But I am truly amazed at how the good people in this world have come to my aid. This may be a lemon of a diagnosis, but good things happen with it as well. Thank you all for showing my that.

Just a quick pic of me

I just thought maybe it was time to show the world what I look like...

The taste of the bitter heart...

I have been reading through my posts, seeing where I have been vs. where I am now. I wonder as read these entries - do I appear bitter? I don't feel bitter. Bitter is a flavor. It is savored in drinks like coffee around the world. Something about it is enjoyable despite what is commonly thought of as an unpleasant taste. I cannot say that I enjoy what I feel as regards my ex.

I have wondered, why not just try and move on past this? I feel that I have tried, but it's like an invisible knife has been stuck in my chest by my ex, and he is the only one that can remove it. I can't seem to locate it on my own. I am left confused and hurt by all of this. The cure is so simple and would really take so little time. All it requires is a little communication. Is it painful for him to confront, or is it just an inconvenience? I am disgusting to him now? Or am I relegated to barely being a consideration? How does one go from love to indifference in such a short amount of time? Was it ever love to begin with if indifference is so easy to achieve?

If I were to just leave this behind, I feel like I would be condoning a behavior that I have always disliked. Why should it be so easy for him when it is so hard for me? It has nothing to do with being fair. It has everything to do with a personal sense of justice. I deserve an explanation. I deserve the chance to heal.

It occurs to me; a person usually cannot tell if someone has HIV. It is an invisible entity observable only by tests and the later stages marked by particular disease states associated with the infection. There are other sicknesses that can't be seen. Many in fact. Some are caused by viruses and bacteria. They are relatively easy to deal with in the long run. Treatments can be devised. But there are illnesses of the soul as well. They don't come from pathogens in the environment, they come from the pathogens of our actions. They affect not our body, but our soul. And they are the most easily treated. All we need to do is confront what we have done and try to do better in the future. Asking for and receiving forgiveness is the cure.

I want forgiveness. I want to offer it as well. But until then, it sits unnoticed in his soul, in my soul... festering and causing pain, if not in himself, then in the ones he hurts. I could forgive if I understood. I could forgive if it was asked of me. I would like to be offered forgiveness as well. But sometimes people prefer the pain. Sometimes they don't care. Sometimes they prefer the bitter taste. I am reminded of a poem by Stephen Crane...

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.

He won't respond to me in the real world, so I ask him here. Why did you do this?

IMLWTF

I woke up at 5:30 this morning after going to bed at midnight. I don't know why my body insists on being up so early. I used to love to sleep in.

OK - so this is the weekend so many people seem to wait for - the official kick-off of gay summer, yes, I am talking about IML.

I don't get it personally. The ex took me to the IML mart last year, and I have to say, it was lost on me. Sex for me is awesome good stuff without having to do things to make it more interesting than it already is. I asked the ex about it - he said that it had to do with trusting your partner. Frankly, the ex talking about trust is like Martha Stewart giving a lecture on business ethics, but that's a whole other issue. I understand that some people find it very erotic - it's just not my scene. To me... it's just another form of drag and neither one tempts me very much.

But it does make for an interesting weekend.

I am going out tonight with my friend Mark and J. J just told me a week ago that he has HIV, has had it for 6 years and is doing very well with meds. We plan on doing dinner and going to one of the clubs afterwords. I am curious to see what the crowd is going to be like tonight.

Uber-Geek

If you remember - I told you I was a geek. Today I proved it yet again. I got my Myvu personal media viewer - it's basically a visor for displaying video from my iPod. LOVING IT! If you're curious, check it out - www.myvu.com.

Yes - this was totally off topic. But anything that can keep me excited / happy is a good thing right now. Geekdom is a hobby for me, so I am still keeping up with that.

And by the way!

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

Hollywood

OK.
Bear with me.

I fell into a trap today. We have all been exposed to this trap, and most of us are susceptible to it. I am talking about the Hollywood version of 'Love'. In the tv show I was watching, the woman and man are destined to meet, fall in love and live happily ever after.

I so desperately want to believe that is how it happens. I want to believe that there is somebody out there for everybody. But as I am sitting there getting all romantic and falling for that vision, I stop and remind myself... this is how they sell a product and keep you watching the show. They prey upon the need for happiness and love, avoiding scenes that would show how much work and commitment is involved.

It's painful to watch this stuff- because I want to believe in it. It is even more painful, because up until recently I thought I had found it. I thought I had found someone who was committed to the work and the process and the joy of it. I thought I had a Hollywood Happy Ending.

The reality was... I found someone who was charming as long as it was beneficial to be so. I found someone who appeared to be interested in the work and process as long as he benefited from it. I found someone who was, in the end, unfaithful and mean-spirited.

Lots of people find this. I can't think of anyone who would call this a happy ending.

And yet... I still hope! I find myself thinking, "There is someone out there who will love you despite your HIV status, and that kind of person will be the kind of person to really spend the rest of your life with."

Is that insane? Is it hurting me to believe this? I know too many people in my position, male and female, who are on the eternal search. If this were all true, the world would be filled with happy loving relationships. This doesn't appear to be the case.

I don't want to be cynical. I will keep hoping...

What does HIV mean?

It's a strange question, I know. But it makes me wonder these days. It remains a very real life-threatening virus, but more and more - it seems like it is being treated as a nuisance. Instead of being a virus associated with certain death as it once was, it is now something to be controlled, much like diabetes, or perhaps more appropriately, like herpes. By adhering to a medication regime, most people can maintain relatively healthy immune systems indefinitly.

So what does this mean to a person afflicted with the virus? I think back to when herpes was the dread sexually transmitted disease - the stigma associated with it, the embarassment that people suffered. HIV infection is very much like that now, except there is a more tangible fear of mortality. We have to bear in mind that when the virus and the illness linked with it that became defined as AIDS, it meant an often painful death. The images that we were exposed to some 25 odd years ago of KS, wasting frail men and women... remain with us. Even today, we are presented with images of people in third world countries without access to anti-viral medications and we see them enduring the same pain and misery that represented the early days of AIDS in this country. All that keeps the majority of people afflicted with advanced HIV infection, is a number of pills that must be taken daily.

Earlier today, I posted a link to a document regarding a gene therapy designed to alter the immune system to keep the HIV infection in check. It isn't a cure. It is providing the immune system a way to avoid advancing infection with an enhanced HIV resistent CD4 cell line. If this therapy proves to be successful, what will HIV mean then? Should we imagine that one day - you will go to the doctor, who informs you, "You have an active HIV infection. We need to make an appointment to have some of your immune system cells harvested so we can give you an improved immune system. We will need to monitor you and your immune system, but you shouldn't need to take any medications for this."

This is a very real possibility. Currently, clinical trials are detirmining if this therapy is enough to maintain an immune system without the need for anti-retroviral medications. What will HIV mean then? I would think that people would want to continue to avoid infection, but if the only consequence is a medical procedure (probably more than a little expense involved) will anybody really worry about it the way we do today?

I hope not. I hope for the day when HIV, if not simply cured, will be just another thing to deal with - then be forgotten. "Oh, I have HIV, but I also have a new and improved immune system, so I don't think about it too much." Or better still, "I don't have HIV, but I went ahead and had gene therapy so if I am exposed it won't end up being a problem."

What do you think?

For people doing well with HAART - A gene therapy that looks promising

The study is intended for individuals who are doing well on HAART therapy. In Step 1 of the trial, individuals will be given up to 6 infusions of the study drug VRX496 to see the effect on viral load and CD4 counts. If individuals have no serious adverse effects from the infusions of VRX496 and the viral load and CD4 counts remain stable, they may go on to Step 2 of the study. In Step 2, individuals will stop taking their HAART medication and their viral load, CD4 counts and the number of VRX496 in T cells will be monitored.

Full information is listed at the following link...

http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct/show/NCT00295477;jsessionid=C499FE55D717DC6853FACA55374345FC?order=1

Are you or do you know of anyone involved in this study? It would be great to hear from you! Also - if anyone has any additional information or insight, please share!

Be Well

Decisions, Decisions

Today I am supposed to get together with a girl I used to work with at a hospital in the burbs. She was one of the 1st people I met when I moved to Chicago, so I am looking forward to seeing her. She currnenly is working in a hospital IT department supporting the medical record software there. I encouraged her to go after that type of job, so I am anxious to see how it is going for her.

She called me while I was on the road, and mentioned that her department is down several positions... The pay is close to what I make now, plus I would be certified in a product that is being used across the country. There isn't a week that goes by that I don't have some recruiter contacting me about a position using this software.

Now - I like my job right now. I like the people I work with, I like traveling, and the company in general is very friendly. But the project I am working on is poorly managed, and I often find myself wondering if this job is going to last. If it doesn't, where do I go from here? I really would rather stay where I am, but there are some temptations about going back to my old employer.

I have to consider that I will likely need to start treatment for HIV soon. What difficulties might I face travelling with side-effects, stress, etc? What about healthcare benefits? Would it be better to work closer to home?

I don't know. I need to talk to her about this and see what she thinks. I just worry that inter-state travel might get to be too much, even though I enjoy it - it might be hard on my health. Also, I am lukewarm on the skill sets I am getting with my current job. I don't know how far it is really going to take me in the future.

Home again... and the issue of trust...

I made it home - and on time despite a flight delay! Very sweet!

It was also nice to see some comments on my postings. One of them, from Chicago-sexbox, mentioned that he has a difficult time trusting his partners. I think many of us do, at least to some degree. Trust isn't an emotion, not like love. Trust is an action. You trust or don't trust based on a concious decision based on the information you have on a particular person at a particular time in a particular circumstance. Trust is not static - it evolves over time.

Don't base your trust in a partner based on previous relationships - it will spell disaster if you do. If you have trust issues with a partner, talk to him about it and see what you both can do to strengthen that aspect of your mutual bond.

I have my own issues with trust, so I know that it is hard not to remember how you were hurt in the past. Remember your past as a guide to the future, but don't let it rule your future....

Waiting

OK - so I am at the airport - it's noon - waiting to board a one o'clock flight. It's no big deal, at least I have a membership to the airline club, so there is some amount of comfort involved. But... I know the weather at home isn't supposed to be great this afternoon, and I swear, if somenbody sneezes at O'Hare, flights get delayed. Several flights this morning have already been delayed, so I anticipate being here at least an hour beyond the scheduled departure time.

So how much of life is spent waiting? I don't mind waiting for a flight - as long as it actually leaves... but waiting for other things - like counts - that can be stressful. I guess the trick is to take it as it comes and go from there. Seasoned veterans at this - I imagine that they all take it in stride. It's something I need some practice with. I am a fairly patient person in most respects. As long as things go as I expect them to, I have no doubt that this all will become old hat.

I play darts tonight with the guys. I am hoping that we can show off a little bit more than we have over the last several weeks. It would be nice to actually live up to what I believe our potentials are. I would like to get some practice in before playing, but the ex took the dartboard with him, and I don't know that I want to lay out cash for a new one. (If anything bothers me about him - he took the crap he wanted and expects me to deal with the crap he doesn't.) Ah well...

My bed is made, the apartment is clean and the cats are behaving themselves while I am gone. The cats were having problems with the ex as well. They were having 'accidents' the last several months while the ex was living there. Those 'accidents' mysteriously resolved after he moved out. I don't know what he was doing to them, but the cats are happy to have him gone. Knowing him - don't want to think about how he must have been torturing them. Anybody who can make an animal that miserable - says a lot about the person.

But my original point - a comfortable home and a comfortable bed. It will be so nice to be in it tonight!

On my way home...

I am feeling good - hoping that the weather in Chicago is decent enough so that my flight won't be delayed too much. I can't really think of too much going on this morning, other that the normal packing and making sure I've not forgotten anything.

The plan for the holiday weekend is to get together with friends, go out, have some fun. You know - nothing out of the ordinary. I guess I will be trying to prepare mentally for the next set of blood counts. I am trying to be optimistic while being realistic at the same time. Not an easy task.

I think that there is something to be said for positive visualization - 'daydreaming' about what you want the results to be. There are those that think that the body will try to match what you want the results to be. So many people expect the worst and perseverate on that outcome - how surprising is it that they get bad news?

Certainly, medicines offered today moderate that effect because they are so powerful. But - as you all know - I would rather avoid the powerful medicines as much as possible.

Ah - but anyway - I am looking forward to being home. I understand the weather is supposed to be nice and warm this coming weekend! Something to look forward to!

Ahhh...

I am home (hotel) from work after a decent day. I finished my scheduled work early - left the client site to go to the corporate office, then took the last 2 hours of the day for myself. I did some minor shopping, had a good dinner and came back to the room to relax. I didn't realize it - but 2 of my favorite co-workers are just down the hall from me. They invited me to go to a place called 'Twin Peaks', a place I understand is very similar to Hooters. No interest on my end. I said if they would go to a place I know called 'Crotches' on the next visit, I would take them up on it. They declined. There is no such place, but most heterosexuals have certain ideas about the types of places gay folk like to go, so it's not a hard sell - so to speak...

I am coming home to Chicago tomorrow late afternoon. I am looking forward to it - always nice to be home after several days on the road. And it will be a long weekend - so hopefully there will be some fun things going on. I really hope for the chance to be able to live a normal relaxed don't think about HIV kind of life this weekend. I mean, I suppose it will always be a consideration - but I don't think that it will be a constant background noise consideration. I think that is a worthy goal to pursue.

A Request

I would like to hear from readers regarding their experiences with their ex lovers, whether or not they were infected by them. If you are still with the significant other who was with you when you found out you were positive - I want to hear that too. The good, the bad, the indifferent... If you are in a new relationship with someone... are the positive? negative? How did they react when you informed them of your status?

I just want to read the experiences of people who are affected by this. I want to see what worked, how they made it work. I want to see what didn't work so I can avoid bumps in the road.

Any help would be appreciated!

Be Well

Morning thoughts

I'm still on the road, awake and dressed for work. I still have some time, so I am watching CNN and browsing favorite sites on the web. Sites that I am paying more attention to now have to do with - you guessed it - HIV infection, specifically ways to combat the virus naturally.

Good sites will tell you - there are no natural supplements that have the fire-power of the designer pharmaceutical medications specifically designed to battle the HIV virus. BUT - many of these supplements do not have the dangers associated with the prescription medications. While there may be side effects and long term dangers associated with supplement use, they are generally milder and less severe than prescription medications.

I am not going into this hoping to find some herb or vitamin that will magically cure the infection. I am just hoping that there is a supplement or combination of supplements that will be able to delay the need to start the powerful prescription anti-retrovirals.

I am encouraged by the people I am meeting who are taking HAART therapy. Many of them are reporting that the side-effects are minimal and well tolerated. There doesn't seem to be the issues of nausea / vomiting, lipodystrophy, etc as in years past. These are the things that worry me. But I do want to do some research on liver / kidney / other vital organ damage associated with the new medications.

For me - so much of this diagnosis directly relates to quality of life. What can I do to minimize the impact this virus and its' treatment will have on my health and well-being? I don't want to be homebound because I am afraid of diarrhea. I don't want to look in the mirror and see sunken cheeks and a buffalo hump...

I am not feeling the worry and fear that I had when I was first diagnosed. But so much of this remains unclear. I am taking supplements that are reported to have positive impacts on CD4 counts as well as supplements that have natural anti-HIV effects. I go in next week to have blood tests done per my agreement with my doctor. I know what I want to see happen. What I hope for is a moderate reduction in my viral load and a modest increase in my CD4 count.

I think about this. Wouldn't I rather be on the anti-retrovirals and see the dramatic results that have been reported? Wouldn't an undetectable viral load and an increasing CD4 count be worth its' weight in gold for my peace of mind? It's very tempting to buy into that. But the concern remains - once going on meds, it's very hard to ever be off them again for anything more than a drug holiday. From what I have heard from folks - the drug holidays are short lived, and the viral rebound is dramatic in many cases. So once I start meds - it's important to remain on them, despite the negative impact they may present for long term health.

Any thoughts?

Back at last...

It wasn't a great day yesterday. I missed the plane, got to work late (hard to not see that one coming) and got to my hotel room where my internet connection was not working. I called the desk, told them I had a bad modem, which they denied could be the case as they are brand new out of the box. Um Yeah.

I had to call tech support. Why I had to call it - I don't know. Simply replace the modem I said. It isn't the modem they said.

I called the front desk again and they assured me that the maintenence engineer would fix it today. I got back -it wasn't fixed. We went around and around - I begged him to try a new modem. He relented - fixed the problem. "Sorry about that."

At least now I can connect.

In other news...

I am happy to be back on the road. It is so nice to be with the folks I work with rather than stuck at home with limited amounts of work. Much much better this way. There is less time to think about all the questions that I have right now... What and when and will I start meds? What is up with my ex? What in the heck are my bosses thinking with all this stuff? Etc.

There is very little I can do about any of these things - I won't know until I am told about each and every one of them. I can then make appropriate decisions based on available information. 2 of those will yield answers, one of them never will. I can deal with answers, regardless of how good or bad they may be. It's not knowing that hurts.

What I can do in the meantime... I have searched my soul for why this is so upsetting - beyond the obvious. I think a problem that plagues me as regards the ex - is that I was so certain that I was judging his character correctly. It's hard for me to admit that I am wrong about that. If I continue to think of him as a noble person, then of course it is baffling to me as to why he broke up with me the way he did, why he refuses all attempts at communication except the ones he initiates.

I look back at all the evidence - and it strikes me... the only person I saw him treat consistently with respect was myself - at least in the beginning. Everyone else was suspect. I remember that he had left his family and had only sporadic contact with one brother - he was ostracized from all other members of his family. I look at the lack of close emotional friendships and the nature of the friendships he does maintain. I remember that he didn't call me on my birthday. I remember that he gave me gift certificates - purchased after my birthday and mailed to me. I remember that he stood me up the day we were supposed to get together for Christmas and then screamed at me when I was upset about it, blamed everything on me - that he hated me...

I come to the realization that he isn't a bad person. But he isn't the noble person I thought him to be either. That is hard for me to accept, because it means that I believed what I wanted to believe. It worries me that this is the case, because - if I can't trust my own perceptions about significant relationships, how can I trust myself to start a new one in the future, especially now that I know I am HIV positive? How do I trust the other person? How do I trust myself?

I hope that these answers will be answered simply by living life. Everyday has answers if we are willing to see them. Todays answer is that I was living with someone who is mentally cruel - for whom punishment is the weapon of choice. I can be thankful that I am removed from him now. At least that is how I feel today at this moment. I am sure there will be hard times to come, but if I remember to come back here and read this... I hope it will make it easier.

Argh!

It's been a weird morning. Traffic on the expressway was much heavier than I have seen in a long time. I was 5 minutes late to check into my flight, so now I am waiting for two hours for a new flight. Ugh. I don't need this stress - but I should still be able to get where I am going on time.

I had a strange afternoon and evening yesterday. I tried to follow-up with my ex regarding an e-mail I sent him on Friday. I earlier referred to a rumor I had heard about someone I know. Fact is, the rumor was about the ex. I ran into a friend of his, someone he has known a while. I hesitate to use the word friend - because what he calls a friend is different from what I call a friend. I would call this guy a long term acquaintance. In the year that my ex and I were together - I think I would be stretching it to say that we talked at length more than twice.

I was walking on a street near where I live - saw this guy who waved at me. It took me a second to place him. I said hello, doing the pleasantness. He asked my if I had seen the ex lately - and I said no - that the ex had pretty much ended communicating with me - that he probably knew more about it than I did. He asked me why we broke up - and again, I said he probably knew more about it than I did. In that little amount of time, and for no good reason - he said, "Well you know he was fooling around with other guys..." I shrugged my shoulders with a whatever kind of attitude, but inside I was hurt.

I don't know if I should take what he said as the truth. He isn't the kind of guy I just trust right away. The fact is - he strikes me as the kind of person to say things just to get a reaction. I have known this kind of person before. They hurt inside, so they like to make other people hurt as well. But - I think it's something that I would want to know. If it is the truth, do I not have a right to know it?

I wrote the ex an e-mail asking him about it. He asked me about rumors that he was afraid I was involved with, so I thought it was ok to at least ask about this one. I just wanted to know if he was fooling around with different guys, or if he started dating someone else while he was dating me. I don't know what good that information would do me... Maybe some amount of closure and understanding about what happened with us. The e-mail was returned undeliverable - not accepted from my address. I am not surprised, but hurt. I wasn't angry in the original e-mail I wrote him, I just wanted clarification - was it true? Not true?

I thought about it for a while, went outside and walked around, talked to my friend Mark... When I got home, my phone rang. I answered and it turned out to be someone who knows the ex that I have come to know on a more social basis. He asked how I was, I told him - not good - that there were a lot of things going on that he didn't know about. I considered it for a moment and told him that I am now HIV positive. I told him the background, why I suspected that I had been exposed because of what happened with the ex. I told him that the ex says he is negative, that I need to believe that.

We talked about the ex for a while. He told me that I shouldn't be surprised, that this is who he is. Looking back on it - I know that is true. I had been warned by people in the past about him, but I disregarded it... They weren't talking about the guy I knew. I wish that I had paid more attention back then, but I don't think anybody in my position would have. You don't want to pay attention to things that are said about someone you are in love with. We said the ex is mostly concerned about himself, that as long as he gets what he needs when he needs it - everything is fine, but once that stops, he will quickly move on without regards to the other persons feelings, be it a friend or a lover.

I know the type. I have seen it before - just never been part of it. But I worked with people like this. I worked on an inpatient psychiatric unit for well over 10 years with personality disorders as a major portion of my client population. Personality disorders with anti-social traits, can be so very charming... As long as they get what they want. But if that is challenged, the personality changes dramatically. They can be angry, withdrawn, and even violent when they are challenged. The popular term is sociopath, and an older term would be split personality. These people operate on extremes. They either love and want to be with you constantly, or they dislike and even hate you when they don't. They are unable to form stable relationships, even though they come across as having a great many friends. I was always amazed at home many people the ex knew. But as often as not, he would say negative things about them. Even his best friend was a target when he wasn't around - which was most of the time. I honestly don't remember him being consistently kind about anyone he called a "friend" with maybe one exception - a man he considered an adoptive father. I don't recall him ever saying anything bad about him, but in the year we were together, we saw him maybe 3 times.

I should be glad that I am away from him - that this is who he really is. I feel stupid for falling for that - I have seen the type so many times. It hurts that he would rather punish and keep me in pain than give me any understanding and closure. I don't want to believe that these things are true, but increasingly - I don't see any other explanation. I am not saying that he has a personality disorder or that he is a sociopath or split personality. I am not qualified to make that determination. I am just saying that the traits he exhibits remind me of patients I worked with with these diagnoses. I feel so stupid for getting involved with that. I hope I am smarter next time. I need to keep my eyes open if I ever get involved with someone again.

I talked with the guy who called about being positive, he told me his experiences and how he was doing, and offered me all the support I need. I am happy that he called. It was exactly at the right time. It's funny how things like that happen. It makes me think that someone is watching over me and making sure I get the care and support I need.

Moday Morning - Guest Speaker

Hi Everybody - hope your week goes well. I am getting ready to leave town for several days on business, but will try to keep up with posting as I am able to find time.

I was chatting with someone I met online yesterday who is a healthcare professional who works with persons affliced with HIV. I asked him if he had anything he wanted to say to us. He was kind enough to send me an e-mail with the following:

First and foremost, no matter what you do when you meet someone who is positive, NEVER treat them any differently. They eat, drink, sleep, and get dressed just like anyone else. We as people have the tendency to judge others before getting to know them. Never judge someone because of what they have. Cause you know what? It could happen to you at anytime. Not just from having sex, you could be exposed to blood in other ways.

You may have HIV, but it does not have you. Leading a normal healthy lifestyle, will enable you to live for many, many, years. Eat healthy, exercise, and never bareback with other positive guys with out a condom. Two strains of one virus can spell trouble. If your on medications, take them at the same time everyday and get your lab work on schedule. Take your vitamins religiously. Vitamins are known to help and also eat yogurt. Eating yogurt has been discovered to be very beneficial to HIV positive people.

Never treat someone HIV positive any differently. Treat them as you want treated, with dignity and RESPECT!!!! Cause there are people who are HIV positive that are not gay. There are men, women, and children living with HIV. We are all people, don't let living with HIV stop you from loving. I know of a family where the wife is positive, the husband is not. The wife had a daughter from a previous relationship and they are both positive. The new husband is not and married her. Now that is true love and you will find it to. Just because you are positive, doesn't mean you can't have a positive outlook on life. Like it was said in the movie Auntie Mame, "You know what your problem is?" "You've gotta LIVE LIVE LIVE!!!!!" Don't give up on life. Live it to the fullest. Good luck everyone. I wish you all the best. *Anonymous*

I thank him for offering such good advice! I hope that he will continue to be a contributor as it is warrented.

I had a phone call yesterday - and some other things happened which made yesterday something to talk about. But sadly, there isn't enough time to go over it right now - I have a plane to catch. I will fill you in on the news when I am settled in my hotel room with a good internet connection.

Be Well

Predators and Prey

I have heard from 4 guys now who tell me that they are in similar situations as myself. The situation is, that they were in "commited relationships" with guys having unprotected sex. The other half breaks up with them, and allows no communication. The guys who wrote to me then got tested and discovered they were positive. It sounds like a theme. It is just so hard for me to believe that there are so many men out there who would be like this to people they told, "I love you."

What is it about the type of guy who thinks that he needs a clean break and demands it without consideration of their ex-partners feelings? It strikes me as immature, certainly selfish, and downright mean spirited. Part of me wants to think that the universe offers some sort of pay-back, that what goes around comes around. But the truth is that these types of guys will move on to the next relationship and pull the same crap on the next person. There's the old saying about leopards not changing their spots. Personality traits as deeply ingrained as this one don't just pop up then go away.

I am not saying that there aren't times when clean breaks aren't warrented. If the partner was violent or mentally cruel, for example. But based on my experience and the experiences that have been relayed to me - these guys treat you so well, then for no apparent reason, suddenly break up with out explanation.

If 4 guys based on an admittedly small readership relay the same story - then this must be a common experience. There is no shortage of assholes in the world, but it is more than that now, and dangerous at the same time. If these men who did the breaking up were actually positive - and then refused communication and just move on to an unsafe sexual relationship with the next guy... well - you get the picture. It's immoral and illegal. I am sure many of these men never bother to get tested, insisting on operating under a construct of denial - that they are negative. Does carefully maintained ignorance constitute a legal or moral defense? Of course not.

But barring any definite proof, what is to be done? The world is a beautiful place, and there are wonderful people in it. But in this case the wolves walk among the sheep. Predators and prey. That they pretend to themselves that they are sheep makes no difference.

At the same time, we need to remember that we bear some responsibility for what happened to us. We know what's out there and the type of people who are out there as well. I kick myself for believing someone because I trusted and loved them. I can't say that it was my ex who infected me, and neither can the men who wrote to me. My ex at least informed me that he was tested and is negative. But these other guys - I have a hard time believing that we were all in unsafe relationships with partners who wanted to bearback - and then remain negative - while their partners end up positive. There aren't many people out there who would believe this to be the case.

Do you have any experiences to share like this? Different but relevant?

Let me know

Good Sunday Morning

Beautiful day out there! I am going out into the world for a few, see some sunshine and fresh air.

I went out last night - think I mentioned that yesterday. I am glad that I did, but it is still weird. A guy who had too much to drink - cute - told me I was extremely hot. It made me laugh... I told him to have another drink, then I would be incredibly hot. We both laughed and I moved on. In the meantime, there was a guy there who I flirt a lot with - but I have said it before - I am shy in that kind of situation. We smiled at one another, said hello - and well - that was it. Honestly - I think that is about as much as I can handle right now. Maybe later I will be better with this.

A nice guy contacted me yesterday after reading some of the blog. He gave me this link that I want to pass along. Thanks to ScorpioCMH for sharing! An interesting read - give it a look...

http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct/show/NCT00080106;jsessionid=5F2075BD849F92C9853BFAF4E03F21B8?order=1

A pic I took - kind of appropriate to my life these days.

Approaching normal...

The day got better, chatted with some people, did some chores etc. I need to just do the daily things to keep going, to keep life ordinary in these strange days. There is so much to think about, so many different things grabbing for my attention - it's hard to keep up. I want things to be as normal as possible - but I wonder if it ever will be, or if there is going to be some new definition for that term.

I don't expect a perfect life, but the best any of us can hope for is to approach perfection, it can never be reached. The energy required to get there is too immense - and to stay there is damned near impossible. I think of normal in pretty much the same way. There is no normal for anyone. And let's face it - normal, while nice sometimes, can get pretty boring. But right now, simple boring would be a nice change of pace. I hate drama, so why do I feel like I am living in a soap opera these days?

The characters are all there... the plots are complex and hard to keep up with... frequent commercial breaks. I should look around my apartment and see if there are any hidden cameras. That is a joke of course, but you get the idea. I guess my biggest complaint with having a soap opera life these days, is that there is never a happy ending - there is always some twist at the last second.

So, the title for this entry is misleading. There is no normal right now, there is no perfection. But I can try to reach for it and hope that bits and pieces fall back into place.

Home again

I just got back from seeing my therapist. We had a lot of ground to cover, so it was an intense session. A big part of it was the situation I am having with the ex right now - with him contacting me accusing me of spreading rumors. Not the case folks. If I were going to tell people that he had HIV - it would be telling his friends that I have it - and I am not ready to do that. I plan on being open with people in the future - but not ready for that step just yet. I won't be jumping into a dark pool without testing the water first.

What was confusing me about the contact he made - he was trying to be nice. He hasn't tried to be nice to me in months. Why be nice now, especially if he thinks I am spreading rumors? The only thing I could think of was that somebody else was in the room when he made the call, that he was trying to appear more noble with me than he has lately. I don't know - anybodies guess at this point.

I keep trying to figure out why I try to be so fair to him when I don't feel like he has treated me fairly at all through this whole ordeal. What do I owe him anymore? Why is it so important to me to defend him to other people? Don't get me wrong. He can be a very nice guy, he is outgoing, funny, intelligent - he has many great qualities. But there are some dark qualities there too - and it is hard for me to admit those to myself most of the time. When I miss him, I think about the guy that I met when we first started to date - not who he is to me now. I keep hoping that this is just who he is when he is stressed out, that he will be nice again when things are better, but then I don't even trust it now when he is nice to me. I guess I am like a dog who has been hit on the head by his master. He will be head shy forever after.

The number of chances I give him to be decent are getting limited. I don't want revenge, I just want peace of mind - and I have to find some way to get that. I was hoping that by sitting down and having a real conversation about what happened, I would be able to acheive that. The option I am left with now is to just give into the pain and hurt once and for all and get it all out, consequences be damned. If I can't get some closure with him, I can at least talk about it here and feel like I am getting it out of me head.

Morning thoughts...

I've been up since before 6 this morning. It just seems to be a set time for me to be up, regardless of when I go to bed - which was about 11:30 last night. Too much TV to catch up on. Will & Grace finale - again - as well as the Sci-fi shows on Friday night that a geek like me loves. Yes. I am a geek. There. I've admitted it - out of the closet... again.

A lot of life seems to be about what we admit about ourselves to other people. Regardless of audience, we invariably edit ourselves to some degree - some less than others, but still. Think of when you fart - unless you are in the company of your drunken frat buddies, how many people will freely admit it? Just a thought. I don't think this is a bad thing - in many ways it is good. It keeps up with social conventions and eases stress. We are all human - and part of being human is having little things about us that aren't pretty, at least to everyone. Who we show these things to depends on how much we trust the other person.

So - I am gay (duh), I have HIV (um - yeah), I like sci-fi, I am a geek, and I have a fondness for zombie movies - oh - and yes... I occasionally fart. But don't expect me to admit it at the time if there are multiple people in the room...

This morning I am on my way to see my therapist. I have been seeing him for about 6 months. He has helped me through some difficult times over the last half year. I have mentioned before, I tend to keep a small group of good friends, so it is good to have someone listen to my issues, pain, concerns etc without placing judgement. I think that having someone removed from me a bit will give more objective advice as well.

I feel pretty good this morning. I was whining to myself about the coconut / supplement mixture again last night. I don't mind swallowing flavorless pills - but it is such a pain to have to heat, mix up and drink such a vile mixture. It damn well better be doing me some good. I believe it is - so I will keep doing it until proven otherwise. My mood though right now, is good - even though I had to drink that crap yet again. For some reason it's easier to handle in the morning - less tired and settled I guess.

The plan for the day is just to keep moving - getting things done before I travel this week. You know - the mundane daily chore stuff that I talked about yesterday. Laundry, dishes, cleaning etc. I do plan on going out tonight with my friend Mark, so I will use that as a goal and something to look forward to.

More later.

Some problems

I am having a hard time today with some news I got the other day about somebody I know. I hate rumors - hard to know what to believe. The guy I heard it from isn't what I would call a trustworthy source - he always struck me as having kind of a cruel streak and would say things to hurt people, so maybe I just shouldn't trust the information. Maybe he was just trying see some pain in my face. I don't even want to say what it's about until I hear directly from the guy the rumor is about. I wrote him an e-mail asking about it. I hope he responds.

I don't mean to be vague - it's just... I want to be fair. Despite any problems I may have had with this person in the past, I prefer to assume the best about him. But in the meantime - here I am being plagued by yet another set of doubts. It ain't fun kids...

About me

The part of online chat rooms that I hate the most is when they ask me to describe myself. The physical part is easy - easily quantifiable. The less tangible stuff is 180 degrees from that for me. Beyond my favorite color - which changes day to day - I am stumped.

I have an easier time just typing as things pop into my head. So maybe if I try this, you will get an idea of what I am like as a person.

I like being physically active - but it would be wrong to say that I work out. I like moving around and seeing the world move around me. I like seeing people when I am out and about, moving past me but not directly interacting. I like biking - but more in touring mode than racing. I like swimming because after a while - it almost feels like I am meditating. I like being able to think when I do things - and the things I like to think don't include, "one more rep". I like being in shape, but moderation is the key for me, not doing penance at the gym. And I certainly don't feel like I have to go to the gym to be an attractive person. It isn't about that for me.

I like movies - most people do - but I like movies that make me think and question how I look at the world. Donnie Darko would be a good example of that for me. I Heart Huckabees is another favorite. Musical tastes run the gamut, but I really don't care for most rap.

As a person - I have heard myself described as complex. I don't feel complex - but I guess I can see where some people get that impression. In most public places, I come across as pretty shy. But depending on the situation - I can be downright bold. In a bar - shy, but in a meat-market bar - bold. In that kind of situation I go after what I want. At least I used to. I am not really sure how I would be in that situation today.

I am quiet and introspective. I am not an introvert, but I like to keep a small group of close friends as opposed to a large group of acquaintances. If I feel criticized or attacked, I get quiet. It isn't that I don't have things to say- there are just usually so many things to say - I don't know what to say 1st.

I am pretty simple in my likes and dislikes. I was brought up in a well-to-do family and always had nice things around. But I don't feel the need to have expensive or styling objects at this point. I don't spend god awful amounts of money on clothes - and labels don't mean a thing to me.

I am not a huge fan of Thai food other than once in a while, but really - I don't avoid any food, but I tend to like Italian / Mexican / tapas more than others. Steak once in a while. Chicken is a staple practically.

I am close to my family and friends, and I see them in much the same way. You may not always like what they do or say, but they remain. Once I make a commitment like that, it's hard to let go. Friends are easier than family - you get to choose who your friends are - and rarely do they upset me to the point where I get angry, but there is always forgiveness when that happens.

Do me a favor...

Several people now have told me that they are reading what I blog here. It would be awesome if those of you who visit would leave a comment, just to let me know what you think - or just to know that you are out there. It would be nice to know I am not alone in here.

:)

Another day

First of all - my team did not do well at darts last night. That is an understatement, but we had fun, and that's what it's all about. I play on the league to get out of the house and out of my head. It helps. Little things like that keep life fun.

The day begins with the coconut milk / supplement mixture, followed a half hour later by water soluable supplements. I get cleaned up and try to look a little more human than the creature that drags itself out of bed. Check the e-mails, line up the work for the day and look around the house to see what cleaning needs to be done.

How is it that one person living by themselves can possibly create this much mess? I am not a tornado that goes whipping through my living space, but I am amazed sometimes at how fast clutter accumulates. I will have to do something about that today as well. I will be traveling next week for my job - and I hate coming home to a messy living space.

Bored yet? It's the mundane day to day chores and tasks that won't go away regardless of whether or not I am HIV positive. I don't know if I expected that day to day living would change in some fundamental way or what. Certainly - life is different now - but the differences are subtle. Some things have been added, some things have been taken away - and I am sorry - but the trade off, while not major at this point - doesn't seem worth it. I get to add supplements, but lose my peace of mind - at least to some degree.

And what about the prospect of a relationship? It's not like I can go blindly into seeing someone now - even if I were up for that. I have to consider how 3 letters and one 3 syllable word is going to affect whoever comes into my life - if they are even willing... I want to think that I will spend my life with someone, but man - it is so hard. Why is that? Straight people seem to do it all the time. And yes - I know that they aren't that successul at it - but they seem to do a better job of it than gay men in many ways. I think about this and I tend to simplify the issue, but I think that there is this tendency of gay men to romanticize every aspect of a relationship. Romance is certainly an important part - and in the beginning it's a huge part - but after a while together, other things come to center stage. And they are the mundane day-to-day tasks that can be such a pain. What happens when the relationship is suddently less exciting?

My neice - love her so much - just got divorced from her husband. His reason for wanting out, was that he was restless and bored. What I am told is that he would go to work, come home, eat, sleep, and go back to work the next day. His question was - "Is that all there is?" Well - the answer is yes... to a point. If a person is bored and not having fun in their life, then it is their responsibility to put those aspects that are missing back into life where possible. But what seems to happen all to often, is that one or both partners, blame their relationship for the lack of excitement in life. Suddenly - being single seems like a great solution to making life an adventure again.

The problem is - most people grow up and realize that love is more than adventure and fun. It's about mutual respect, communication, empathy, selflessness, mutual support coupled with mutual indepenence (if that makes sense) and many other things. Hopefully those things include some amount of fun, laughter, holding hands and the like. BUT those other things can also include arguments, paying the bills, differences of all kinds. Loving someone is about appreciating those differences, and how conflict is resolved, and how the money is managed. Mundane - but true.

In my experience - men, and many gay men in particular (at least many of the ones I have dated) give up once the newness has worn off. When it comes time to do the real work the interest suddently wanes. Why bother? There is something or someone more exciting out there, so why not take advantage of it? The communication stops, the distance increases and then... nothing. One person is invariably left hurting while the other one goes out to find what they think will bring them happiness. And the cycle repeats. And we get older. And the prospects aren't quite as plentiful as they were a couple years ago. We feel young inside, so many of us chase men younger and increasingly more attractive than ourselves - because that is exciting. The relationships get shorter and shorter as we get older and we see our youth escaping. Far too many of us end up alone because of all of this BS.

I blame Hollywood and President Bush... ;)

A disclaimer

You might notice that there are ads that appear above my posts. I am doing this to offset some of the costs of my therapy, doctors bills etc. A number of these ads appear to be vitamin and supplement related - which is great. But please. Do research into these substances before you buy. If you have questions, ask me and I will point you in a good direction if I can. Having said these things - I get paid when people click on the ads - so by all means - click away!

Just know - I don't endorse any of these ads however good the products may be. ;)

One more for today

I am doing better today, doing things that may make a difference. I have decided to re-commit myself to the supplement therapy, at least for now. I have been doing supplements reported to help with HIV infection, and I have noticed some differences, although not specifically with HIV.

The major thing I notice is body changes. My weight, while roughly stable at around 145, now looks to be more lean muscle. I exercise only moderatly, so this is kind of a welcome change. I have dropped inches off my waist to the point where pants don't fit right anymore. And I look good. Mom commented on it this weekend, so I feel good about that.

I am also sleeping more soundly, and my mood - in general mind you - is better. I admit that there are some low times, but they don't last or keep me from doing what needs to be done with work, life etc. Regardless of my next set of counts, there are some supplements that I won't want to give up. But I would need to make sure that they won't interfere with whatever therapy I will be on if it comes to that.

One complaint. One supplement needs to be boiled in coconut milk, since it offers better bioavailability when disolved in a fat. As an RN - I understand this. But jeez - the taste is something awful. I did my research though, and this is how it has to be if the supplement is to have any benefit.

I imagine people asking traditional healthcare workers about this and the strange looks that might result. Mind you, I don't jump into these things blindly. Strong traditional research in highly regarded journals have had great positive things to say about the supplements I am taking - esp as regards anti-HIV activity. I figure - what the hell - nothing I have read indicates that anything about these substances is harmful. So if there is no damage that can be done, the worst thing I am doing is spending money. On the other hand - if they are helpful - then I am avoiding toxic medications for whatever time they keep working.

I am going out tonight to play darts with a group of guys. I am looking forward to it - even though I am not the greatest player in the world. Mind you, I do ok... ;) A few weeks ago I threw a 'hat trick' - that is - I threw 3 bullseyes in one round. I will be honest and state that I was aiming for triple 20 - but - damn - I will take what I can get!!!

Another explanation

I migrated to this account because I wanted to avoid confusion that previous blog title might have caused. The previous title is also used by an organization - didn't realize that when I started. Also, I don't want to appear to be presenting myself as an HIV expert. Anything that I chat about here is just about my own search. You shouldn't base treatment decisions based on what you might read here. Those decisions are for you to make, based on a collaboration with your healthcare team.

Realities

May 18, 2006

OK - I knew that there would be times like last night. I was watching TV, full from a meal - and just really didn't want to think about taking my night time supplements. Trivial. But it dawned on me - regardless of what I end up doing - whether it's supplements or traditional meds, the rest of my life will be dictated by some form of medication schedule. I knew that on some level before last night, but the reality of it hit me last night.

I asked myself - would I rather be taking 6 pills a day that my doctor is recommending and all the side effects and future problems they may present? Or would I rather take a huge amount of anti-oxidants with limited side effects? The answer is still pretty clear. The longer I can hold off on traditional meds, the better. I don't even know if they will have an impact on my counts at this point, but I am hoping.

Best case scenario - they have at least a modest impact that will delay having to take traditional medications. This allows me to see what is in the med pipeline - hopefully drugs that are less toxic and easier to take.

It's just - in the meantime, it's hard to think that I am facing this future. I don't want every day to be ruled by having to think about this. I don't want it to be how I define my life. I am sure there are huge numbers of people in my position who feel this way, and even larger numbers of people who have adjusted to this reality. It would be good if I could connect with some of them and figure out how to make that transition, and as painlessly as possible.

Any help in this matter would be appreciated.

Beggars would ride...

May 17, 2006

I just got back from visiting my parents in Iowa. It was a nice visit, but I was surprised how many reminders there are, even at my parents home. Magazine covers, news items on TV, etc. It wasn't like I was expecting for be able to forget my status for several days, but it just seemed very in-my-face. I guess that is to be expected in some ways.

My Mother at one point asked about my ex. That really threw me. It brought up all kinds of emotions I just havn't had time to deal with, feelings of anger, regret, betrayal - you know the ones. I thought about just avoiding the whole subject of him - but he is really very integral to this whole topic for me. All my doubts started when he started to change. He started a new job that demanded a lot of his time, and yes, he was under a lot of stress. But it seemed like he was avoiding me more and more, denying that anything was wrong. But he always seemed angry and complained of not feeling well. Maybe that was what had me worried.

I never denied that we didn't practice safe sex. But - I guess I trusted him enough to do that. I certainly trusted myself with my status. I guess if there is a lesson there - it's that you can never be that certain with anything, especially something as important as this. He tells me that he is negative, so I guess I trusted myself more than I should have. And I have to admit - it makes me bitter that someone with his sexual history should be negative, and I end up positive. I don't envy him - I am glad that he is negative - but it just doesn't seem fair that as safe as I thought I was being - that I should end up positive, while a self-described "sex pig" ends up negative. Again - I am glad that he is negative. If he had been positive - I would have blamed myself - and that would not have been good for my head. It would have added way too much stress onto an already stressful situation.

That I have my status and the ex linked in my mind is very hard to deal with. It hurts, because - he broke up with me in such a surprisingly negative way. I had always believed that he respected people and wouldn't go out of his way to be hurtful - but that was how it felt. I would hear people talk about how their exes did this or that - and how cruel it was - and felt stupidly self-rightous - that mine had never done anything like that. So what happens? He stood me up when we were supposed to get together for Christmas - then calls me the next day - angry - screaming angry - that I was upset about it. He proceeded to yell at me that it was all my fault. I simply couldn't believe it. I really felt that something else was going on.

Over the next several weeks, he indicated that we would be able to talk when he was ready - so that told me something else was going on. But when I asked about it - he would say he still wasn't ready. He finally got angry again and said he would never talk to me about it - and to never talk to him again. I tried to call him, but he made it clear that there would be "repercussions" - I guess meaning a restraining order - if I tried to talk to him again. Over the last 6 months - I went to his place 3 times - one of which was to tell him that I had tested positive. Does that qualify for a restraining order? I guess if that is how badly he doesn't want to talk - it must be.

But it made me wonder - what would be so bad that he wouldn't want to discuss it? That really brough the whole HIV thing out for me. I had been meaning to get tested for some time, but had started a new job myself that demanded a lot of time, and then of course the whole question of being between medical insurance for 3 months. In my mind - it was obvious that I had been exposed. I began to question every little ache and pain - knowing that it was stupid to think that way. But still, it stuck in my head.

So I got tested - and there it was. I told the ex the next day - and I think I mentioned before - he didn't look at all surprised - just tried to say that it couldn't have been him, even though he hadn't been tested "lately". He wrote me an ugly e-mail about a week later saying that he was negative after having an ELISA done. I didn't even realize those were still used. I though the Rapid tests were the norm now. Why wait 3 days to a week for results? In any case - he is negative - thank god. He ended by saying not to contact him again, if I needed support I could go to Howard Brown (local HIV support center.)

But it still makes me wonder. What would be so painful to talk about with me? And why do I care?

The only reason I can think of at the moment, is because I trusted him so much. Maybe I was blinded, but I believed that he was sincere when he talked about treating people with respect. It seemed like he was saying everything that I believed - and I had to trust that.

The one time he has contacted me, was to quickly ask how I was - then to make sure that I wasn't telling people that he had HIV - that someone he knew had come up to him and said that he heard that he was positive... I don't socialize with his friends, so who could I have told. I do play on a league where I see people he knows, but certainly noone who he considers a friend or socializes with that I am aware of. I think he was just looking for reassurance, but I don't know.

So here I am, once again reminded of him breaking up with me for some reason unknown. I still have such strong feelings for him, so it hurts. I tell myself- it is better this way. If I had tested positive when we were together - the impact that would have had on our relationship would have been devestating - and I don't know how I could have dealt with that - while having to deal with his fears at the same time.

I have to get used to the idea that he won't be a man and talk to me. I don't want to be angry or bitter - but is that the way that I can get past this? Blame him and hopefully get to the point where it won't matter and I will just forget? Is just forgetting this possible? If this hadn't all lead to me feeling like I needed to get tested - and then being positive - I would think - yes, with time. But now? It seems like a remote possibility.

I just wish I had some reason so that I could find some closure and peace with this. But as my Dad loves to say, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." So, yes - in this case wishing won't do any good.

One supplement I strongly recommend

May 14, 2006

I will break a rule and recommend one supplement. It is not and does not claim to be an anti-HIV supplement.

Let me start by saying, that the greatest threat to health is stress. Stress over time kills. Stress produces hormones such as cortisol that have all kinds of negative impact on body systems. There are several herbal supplements that reduce stress - the one I recommend is magnolia bark. It is a godsend for me. It is a non-addicting mild anxiolytic, that is, it reduces anxiety. It has made a huge impact on my quality of life. Please check it out. Anyone with HIV suffers from some amount of stress, so anything that can help reduce that, will minimize the negative effects that result. The following is a link to a site that offers good information on supplements. They DO NOT SELL the product.

http://www.supplementwatch.com/suplib/supplement.asp?DocId=2096

Snake Oil... A Warning

May 14, 2006

Since I may not be able to publish for several days, I want to chat about some dangers of being HIV positive and seeking treatment. It is very easy to fall into a trap of looking for a miracle cure. Let me state it plainly - there is at this time - absolutely no cure for HIV. I am unaware of any cure for any virus at all. The difficulty with a retro-virus such as HIV - is that it writes itself into the cell DNA, it may sit there for years in a dorment state and then suddenly become active again. Think of the common cold virus. It remains in your body forever once you have it. Luckily, the body learns to recognize and produce effective antibodies against common cold viruses, so they don't produce further periods of illness later in life. The problem is - that there are so many strains of cold virus. You will have anti-bodies to one, but still be able to get the next one. The best a person can hope for, is to produce effective antibodies that can hold the virus in check in a dormant state.

IF an ad for some product claims to be a cure for HIV or AIDS - or any virus for that matter, don't waste your time, energy and money pursuing it. Saying that - people will still cling to the unlikely chance that it will work. If this is you, please, don't take my word for it. If you must, try it and see if it helps - as long as you make your physician aware of what you are doing, and by no means should you abandon any current therapy. And remember - some of these miracle cures make no specific mention of what they contain. I would give an example - but I would worry that someone would rush to the site and fall for the hype.

Having said this - there are a number of natural products out there that appear to offer some hope for strengthening the immune system against HIV and other pathogens. Question the claims about these products critically before trying them. Ask yourself questions about what you are reading. Is the site invested in what they are reporting - that is, are they trying to sell a product. Does the product list what it's active ingredients are? If so, can other references from independent sources confirm the usefulness of the product.

For example - a number of sites try and sell coconut oil as a potent anti-viral. Doing some research, I was able to independently confirm that coconut oil does have some antiviral components, and research supports that some people will benefit from ingesting it as part of a balanced diet. But always be critical of what you read - even about products that seem to offer some benefit. Try and stick with reputable retailers who have been around awhile. Find out - if you can - why the product is thought to offer protection and see if the retailer knows anything about it. Again - with coconut oil - there are varieties - virgin, dehydrogenated, hydrogenated, etc. Make sure you know what you are buying before commiting to it.

As a healthcare provider, I try to be critical of what I read online - especially when it comes to my health. If any of the information there is confusing, ask me about it. I will do what I can to help. But again - remember - I am only one source of information - and you should take anything I have to say with a grain of salt. I am not trying to sell anything but hope, and that is free to anyone who wants it. And hope for free, is with any luck, worth far more than you pay for it... as long as it is not false hope...

Be Well

Happy Mothers' Day

May 14, 2006

Well - I am on my way home to Iowa for several days to see my Mom, the dogs, etc. It will be nice to get out of town for several days and get away from all the hassles of city living. A change of scenery will do my peace of mind some good, too. My life has alternated between hectic and dull with not much inbetween since I found out I am positive. So going to the old home will be a nice change of pace.

I - like most people - love my parents very much. Things with them aren't always easy, but that is life. They are good people and I am glad to consider them friends as well as parents. If an adult child can do this, then they had successful parents and are themselves successful as their children. Not everyone has this, so it's time to say thanks if you are able.

Having said that - I don't think it's time to tell my folks about my HIV status. They are typical Iowans - nothing wrong with that at all - but the image they have of HIV is the early days of AIDS. Seeing what they went through when my sister was killed in a car accident, leads me to believe that they would be extremely distressed by the news. I can't assure them right now that everything will be ok with me, so I prefer to wait until I have more information. It wouldn't be fair of me to be home for 2 or 3 days, drop the bombshell, and then have to leave them to come back to Chicago - knowing that they would be worried sick.

I hope to tell them when I have more information and can be reasonably certain that I will continue to live in good health.

Interesting stuff...

May 13, 2006

http://scotlandonsunday.scotsman.com/health.cfm?id=719872006

This is a link to an article about altering friendly bacteria normally found in food products such as yogurt that would protect against HIV infection. It sounds like a very novel approach and worth the research. There is no mention of what affect it would have on someone who is already HIV infected. I suspect it would be unable to eliminate an already established HIV infection as the primary site of action would be in the GI tract.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=41305

This link describes modifying a person's own immune system to fight HIV by altering the stem cells. This looks like a very promising line of research. While it would be unable to erradicate HIV, it would keep it at bay - hopefully keeping the viral load low and allowing the CD4 counts to remain at a healthy level. I am looking forward to seeing the final results sometime in Feb. I will keep you posted!

And just one more...

http://www.wired.com/news/medtech/0,1286,63441,00.html

This is an older (2004) article that appeared in Wired magazine about creating a virus that attacks the HIV virus. I have not heard any updates on this line of research. If anyone knows anything, please let me know.

Introductions

May 13, 2006

I want to welcome my best friend... Mark B. as my 1st reader. He and I are going out tonight to a local hotspot. I think it's important to keep going out. I have a tendency to isolate during difficult times. I think that would be counter-productive.

I should say - it was strange being hit on after I found out about my status. I thought about it - and told the guy about what I was going through. I was very impressed by his reaction - supportive - and said that we could still have fun...

We didn't. I am not ready for that just yet...

Also. I don't want to come across as recommending supplements over traditional western medicine. Only you and your healthcare provider can make that decision. It has to be right for you. And remember - this stuff doesn't come cheap. You will have to weight the benefits and risks before making this kind of decision.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me at the e-mail list provided.

Getting the diagnosis...

May 13, 2006

Well - to introduce myself...

My name is Dan. I am 42, live in Chicago, and 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with HIV.

I had been worried about being infected for several months following my boyfriend breaking up with me and not explaining why. He had always preferred unprotected sex, and I trusted that he was negative. I requested information from him several times since he broke up with me, but was met with anger and accusations. I worked up the nerve and went in, and my worst fears were confirmed.

Let me say at this point - I do not blame my ex. As of this wrting, he has stated that he has been tested and is negative. I choose to believe this, but I cannot confirm it. I hope that it is true. I did tell him the day after I went in for testing that I was HIV positive. His reaction was less than inspiring and consisted of distancing himself from possible blame. The only communication he has attempted since, was to make sure that I wasn't telling anyone that he was HIV positive or making him out to be a bad person. Once again, I believe he is not positive. As for him being a bad person? No. Just a human being with flaws just like everybody else.

With 3 weeks to think about this, I have chatted with close friends and done a lot of research. My counts are suspect but don't in an of themselves require treatment at this time. But my doctor thinks that it would be a good time to start, given my age. I requested that we wait until the next set of counts which will be done in June.

In the meantime, I am falling back on my medical background as a healthcare professional (RN here - not a doctor) to try and make decisions about what to do with my health status. My preference is to rely on supplements and nutrition as ways to combat viral replication and subsequent CD4 depletion. I will be very curious to see what my numbers will do with about a month of these supplements under my belt.

My mood has been good for the most part, although there have been some down times as to be expected. But I am taking time to educate myself and do the right things. - exercise, eating right. meditating and getting adequate sleep.

An explanation

I am migrating here from my old blog, so all the posts will appear to be from today...