The taste of the bitter heart...

I have been reading through my posts, seeing where I have been vs. where I am now. I wonder as read these entries - do I appear bitter? I don't feel bitter. Bitter is a flavor. It is savored in drinks like coffee around the world. Something about it is enjoyable despite what is commonly thought of as an unpleasant taste. I cannot say that I enjoy what I feel as regards my ex.

I have wondered, why not just try and move on past this? I feel that I have tried, but it's like an invisible knife has been stuck in my chest by my ex, and he is the only one that can remove it. I can't seem to locate it on my own. I am left confused and hurt by all of this. The cure is so simple and would really take so little time. All it requires is a little communication. Is it painful for him to confront, or is it just an inconvenience? I am disgusting to him now? Or am I relegated to barely being a consideration? How does one go from love to indifference in such a short amount of time? Was it ever love to begin with if indifference is so easy to achieve?

If I were to just leave this behind, I feel like I would be condoning a behavior that I have always disliked. Why should it be so easy for him when it is so hard for me? It has nothing to do with being fair. It has everything to do with a personal sense of justice. I deserve an explanation. I deserve the chance to heal.

It occurs to me; a person usually cannot tell if someone has HIV. It is an invisible entity observable only by tests and the later stages marked by particular disease states associated with the infection. There are other sicknesses that can't be seen. Many in fact. Some are caused by viruses and bacteria. They are relatively easy to deal with in the long run. Treatments can be devised. But there are illnesses of the soul as well. They don't come from pathogens in the environment, they come from the pathogens of our actions. They affect not our body, but our soul. And they are the most easily treated. All we need to do is confront what we have done and try to do better in the future. Asking for and receiving forgiveness is the cure.

I want forgiveness. I want to offer it as well. But until then, it sits unnoticed in his soul, in my soul... festering and causing pain, if not in himself, then in the ones he hurts. I could forgive if I understood. I could forgive if it was asked of me. I would like to be offered forgiveness as well. But sometimes people prefer the pain. Sometimes they don't care. Sometimes they prefer the bitter taste. I am reminded of a poem by Stephen Crane...

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.

He won't respond to me in the real world, so I ask him here. Why did you do this?