Argh!

It's been a weird morning. Traffic on the expressway was much heavier than I have seen in a long time. I was 5 minutes late to check into my flight, so now I am waiting for two hours for a new flight. Ugh. I don't need this stress - but I should still be able to get where I am going on time.

I had a strange afternoon and evening yesterday. I tried to follow-up with my ex regarding an e-mail I sent him on Friday. I earlier referred to a rumor I had heard about someone I know. Fact is, the rumor was about the ex. I ran into a friend of his, someone he has known a while. I hesitate to use the word friend - because what he calls a friend is different from what I call a friend. I would call this guy a long term acquaintance. In the year that my ex and I were together - I think I would be stretching it to say that we talked at length more than twice.

I was walking on a street near where I live - saw this guy who waved at me. It took me a second to place him. I said hello, doing the pleasantness. He asked my if I had seen the ex lately - and I said no - that the ex had pretty much ended communicating with me - that he probably knew more about it than I did. He asked me why we broke up - and again, I said he probably knew more about it than I did. In that little amount of time, and for no good reason - he said, "Well you know he was fooling around with other guys..." I shrugged my shoulders with a whatever kind of attitude, but inside I was hurt.

I don't know if I should take what he said as the truth. He isn't the kind of guy I just trust right away. The fact is - he strikes me as the kind of person to say things just to get a reaction. I have known this kind of person before. They hurt inside, so they like to make other people hurt as well. But - I think it's something that I would want to know. If it is the truth, do I not have a right to know it?

I wrote the ex an e-mail asking him about it. He asked me about rumors that he was afraid I was involved with, so I thought it was ok to at least ask about this one. I just wanted to know if he was fooling around with different guys, or if he started dating someone else while he was dating me. I don't know what good that information would do me... Maybe some amount of closure and understanding about what happened with us. The e-mail was returned undeliverable - not accepted from my address. I am not surprised, but hurt. I wasn't angry in the original e-mail I wrote him, I just wanted clarification - was it true? Not true?

I thought about it for a while, went outside and walked around, talked to my friend Mark... When I got home, my phone rang. I answered and it turned out to be someone who knows the ex that I have come to know on a more social basis. He asked how I was, I told him - not good - that there were a lot of things going on that he didn't know about. I considered it for a moment and told him that I am now HIV positive. I told him the background, why I suspected that I had been exposed because of what happened with the ex. I told him that the ex says he is negative, that I need to believe that.

We talked about the ex for a while. He told me that I shouldn't be surprised, that this is who he is. Looking back on it - I know that is true. I had been warned by people in the past about him, but I disregarded it... They weren't talking about the guy I knew. I wish that I had paid more attention back then, but I don't think anybody in my position would have. You don't want to pay attention to things that are said about someone you are in love with. We said the ex is mostly concerned about himself, that as long as he gets what he needs when he needs it - everything is fine, but once that stops, he will quickly move on without regards to the other persons feelings, be it a friend or a lover.

I know the type. I have seen it before - just never been part of it. But I worked with people like this. I worked on an inpatient psychiatric unit for well over 10 years with personality disorders as a major portion of my client population. Personality disorders with anti-social traits, can be so very charming... As long as they get what they want. But if that is challenged, the personality changes dramatically. They can be angry, withdrawn, and even violent when they are challenged. The popular term is sociopath, and an older term would be split personality. These people operate on extremes. They either love and want to be with you constantly, or they dislike and even hate you when they don't. They are unable to form stable relationships, even though they come across as having a great many friends. I was always amazed at home many people the ex knew. But as often as not, he would say negative things about them. Even his best friend was a target when he wasn't around - which was most of the time. I honestly don't remember him being consistently kind about anyone he called a "friend" with maybe one exception - a man he considered an adoptive father. I don't recall him ever saying anything bad about him, but in the year we were together, we saw him maybe 3 times.

I should be glad that I am away from him - that this is who he really is. I feel stupid for falling for that - I have seen the type so many times. It hurts that he would rather punish and keep me in pain than give me any understanding and closure. I don't want to believe that these things are true, but increasingly - I don't see any other explanation. I am not saying that he has a personality disorder or that he is a sociopath or split personality. I am not qualified to make that determination. I am just saying that the traits he exhibits remind me of patients I worked with with these diagnoses. I feel so stupid for getting involved with that. I hope I am smarter next time. I need to keep my eyes open if I ever get involved with someone again.

I talked with the guy who called about being positive, he told me his experiences and how he was doing, and offered me all the support I need. I am happy that he called. It was exactly at the right time. It's funny how things like that happen. It makes me think that someone is watching over me and making sure I get the care and support I need.