Beggars would ride...

May 17, 2006

I just got back from visiting my parents in Iowa. It was a nice visit, but I was surprised how many reminders there are, even at my parents home. Magazine covers, news items on TV, etc. It wasn't like I was expecting for be able to forget my status for several days, but it just seemed very in-my-face. I guess that is to be expected in some ways.

My Mother at one point asked about my ex. That really threw me. It brought up all kinds of emotions I just havn't had time to deal with, feelings of anger, regret, betrayal - you know the ones. I thought about just avoiding the whole subject of him - but he is really very integral to this whole topic for me. All my doubts started when he started to change. He started a new job that demanded a lot of his time, and yes, he was under a lot of stress. But it seemed like he was avoiding me more and more, denying that anything was wrong. But he always seemed angry and complained of not feeling well. Maybe that was what had me worried.

I never denied that we didn't practice safe sex. But - I guess I trusted him enough to do that. I certainly trusted myself with my status. I guess if there is a lesson there - it's that you can never be that certain with anything, especially something as important as this. He tells me that he is negative, so I guess I trusted myself more than I should have. And I have to admit - it makes me bitter that someone with his sexual history should be negative, and I end up positive. I don't envy him - I am glad that he is negative - but it just doesn't seem fair that as safe as I thought I was being - that I should end up positive, while a self-described "sex pig" ends up negative. Again - I am glad that he is negative. If he had been positive - I would have blamed myself - and that would not have been good for my head. It would have added way too much stress onto an already stressful situation.

That I have my status and the ex linked in my mind is very hard to deal with. It hurts, because - he broke up with me in such a surprisingly negative way. I had always believed that he respected people and wouldn't go out of his way to be hurtful - but that was how it felt. I would hear people talk about how their exes did this or that - and how cruel it was - and felt stupidly self-rightous - that mine had never done anything like that. So what happens? He stood me up when we were supposed to get together for Christmas - then calls me the next day - angry - screaming angry - that I was upset about it. He proceeded to yell at me that it was all my fault. I simply couldn't believe it. I really felt that something else was going on.

Over the next several weeks, he indicated that we would be able to talk when he was ready - so that told me something else was going on. But when I asked about it - he would say he still wasn't ready. He finally got angry again and said he would never talk to me about it - and to never talk to him again. I tried to call him, but he made it clear that there would be "repercussions" - I guess meaning a restraining order - if I tried to talk to him again. Over the last 6 months - I went to his place 3 times - one of which was to tell him that I had tested positive. Does that qualify for a restraining order? I guess if that is how badly he doesn't want to talk - it must be.

But it made me wonder - what would be so bad that he wouldn't want to discuss it? That really brough the whole HIV thing out for me. I had been meaning to get tested for some time, but had started a new job myself that demanded a lot of time, and then of course the whole question of being between medical insurance for 3 months. In my mind - it was obvious that I had been exposed. I began to question every little ache and pain - knowing that it was stupid to think that way. But still, it stuck in my head.

So I got tested - and there it was. I told the ex the next day - and I think I mentioned before - he didn't look at all surprised - just tried to say that it couldn't have been him, even though he hadn't been tested "lately". He wrote me an ugly e-mail about a week later saying that he was negative after having an ELISA done. I didn't even realize those were still used. I though the Rapid tests were the norm now. Why wait 3 days to a week for results? In any case - he is negative - thank god. He ended by saying not to contact him again, if I needed support I could go to Howard Brown (local HIV support center.)

But it still makes me wonder. What would be so painful to talk about with me? And why do I care?

The only reason I can think of at the moment, is because I trusted him so much. Maybe I was blinded, but I believed that he was sincere when he talked about treating people with respect. It seemed like he was saying everything that I believed - and I had to trust that.

The one time he has contacted me, was to quickly ask how I was - then to make sure that I wasn't telling people that he had HIV - that someone he knew had come up to him and said that he heard that he was positive... I don't socialize with his friends, so who could I have told. I do play on a league where I see people he knows, but certainly noone who he considers a friend or socializes with that I am aware of. I think he was just looking for reassurance, but I don't know.

So here I am, once again reminded of him breaking up with me for some reason unknown. I still have such strong feelings for him, so it hurts. I tell myself- it is better this way. If I had tested positive when we were together - the impact that would have had on our relationship would have been devestating - and I don't know how I could have dealt with that - while having to deal with his fears at the same time.

I have to get used to the idea that he won't be a man and talk to me. I don't want to be angry or bitter - but is that the way that I can get past this? Blame him and hopefully get to the point where it won't matter and I will just forget? Is just forgetting this possible? If this hadn't all lead to me feeling like I needed to get tested - and then being positive - I would think - yes, with time. But now? It seems like a remote possibility.

I just wish I had some reason so that I could find some closure and peace with this. But as my Dad loves to say, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." So, yes - in this case wishing won't do any good.