Home again

I just got back from seeing my therapist. We had a lot of ground to cover, so it was an intense session. A big part of it was the situation I am having with the ex right now - with him contacting me accusing me of spreading rumors. Not the case folks. If I were going to tell people that he had HIV - it would be telling his friends that I have it - and I am not ready to do that. I plan on being open with people in the future - but not ready for that step just yet. I won't be jumping into a dark pool without testing the water first.

What was confusing me about the contact he made - he was trying to be nice. He hasn't tried to be nice to me in months. Why be nice now, especially if he thinks I am spreading rumors? The only thing I could think of was that somebody else was in the room when he made the call, that he was trying to appear more noble with me than he has lately. I don't know - anybodies guess at this point.

I keep trying to figure out why I try to be so fair to him when I don't feel like he has treated me fairly at all through this whole ordeal. What do I owe him anymore? Why is it so important to me to defend him to other people? Don't get me wrong. He can be a very nice guy, he is outgoing, funny, intelligent - he has many great qualities. But there are some dark qualities there too - and it is hard for me to admit those to myself most of the time. When I miss him, I think about the guy that I met when we first started to date - not who he is to me now. I keep hoping that this is just who he is when he is stressed out, that he will be nice again when things are better, but then I don't even trust it now when he is nice to me. I guess I am like a dog who has been hit on the head by his master. He will be head shy forever after.

The number of chances I give him to be decent are getting limited. I don't want revenge, I just want peace of mind - and I have to find some way to get that. I was hoping that by sitting down and having a real conversation about what happened, I would be able to acheive that. The option I am left with now is to just give into the pain and hurt once and for all and get it all out, consequences be damned. If I can't get some closure with him, I can at least talk about it here and feel like I am getting it out of me head.