Back at last...

It wasn't a great day yesterday. I missed the plane, got to work late (hard to not see that one coming) and got to my hotel room where my internet connection was not working. I called the desk, told them I had a bad modem, which they denied could be the case as they are brand new out of the box. Um Yeah.

I had to call tech support. Why I had to call it - I don't know. Simply replace the modem I said. It isn't the modem they said.

I called the front desk again and they assured me that the maintenence engineer would fix it today. I got back -it wasn't fixed. We went around and around - I begged him to try a new modem. He relented - fixed the problem. "Sorry about that."

At least now I can connect.

In other news...

I am happy to be back on the road. It is so nice to be with the folks I work with rather than stuck at home with limited amounts of work. Much much better this way. There is less time to think about all the questions that I have right now... What and when and will I start meds? What is up with my ex? What in the heck are my bosses thinking with all this stuff? Etc.

There is very little I can do about any of these things - I won't know until I am told about each and every one of them. I can then make appropriate decisions based on available information. 2 of those will yield answers, one of them never will. I can deal with answers, regardless of how good or bad they may be. It's not knowing that hurts.

What I can do in the meantime... I have searched my soul for why this is so upsetting - beyond the obvious. I think a problem that plagues me as regards the ex - is that I was so certain that I was judging his character correctly. It's hard for me to admit that I am wrong about that. If I continue to think of him as a noble person, then of course it is baffling to me as to why he broke up with me the way he did, why he refuses all attempts at communication except the ones he initiates.

I look back at all the evidence - and it strikes me... the only person I saw him treat consistently with respect was myself - at least in the beginning. Everyone else was suspect. I remember that he had left his family and had only sporadic contact with one brother - he was ostracized from all other members of his family. I look at the lack of close emotional friendships and the nature of the friendships he does maintain. I remember that he didn't call me on my birthday. I remember that he gave me gift certificates - purchased after my birthday and mailed to me. I remember that he stood me up the day we were supposed to get together for Christmas and then screamed at me when I was upset about it, blamed everything on me - that he hated me...

I come to the realization that he isn't a bad person. But he isn't the noble person I thought him to be either. That is hard for me to accept, because it means that I believed what I wanted to believe. It worries me that this is the case, because - if I can't trust my own perceptions about significant relationships, how can I trust myself to start a new one in the future, especially now that I know I am HIV positive? How do I trust the other person? How do I trust myself?

I hope that these answers will be answered simply by living life. Everyday has answers if we are willing to see them. Todays answer is that I was living with someone who is mentally cruel - for whom punishment is the weapon of choice. I can be thankful that I am removed from him now. At least that is how I feel today at this moment. I am sure there will be hard times to come, but if I remember to come back here and read this... I hope it will make it easier.