Hollywood

OK.
Bear with me.

I fell into a trap today. We have all been exposed to this trap, and most of us are susceptible to it. I am talking about the Hollywood version of 'Love'. In the tv show I was watching, the woman and man are destined to meet, fall in love and live happily ever after.

I so desperately want to believe that is how it happens. I want to believe that there is somebody out there for everybody. But as I am sitting there getting all romantic and falling for that vision, I stop and remind myself... this is how they sell a product and keep you watching the show. They prey upon the need for happiness and love, avoiding scenes that would show how much work and commitment is involved.

It's painful to watch this stuff- because I want to believe in it. It is even more painful, because up until recently I thought I had found it. I thought I had found someone who was committed to the work and the process and the joy of it. I thought I had a Hollywood Happy Ending.

The reality was... I found someone who was charming as long as it was beneficial to be so. I found someone who appeared to be interested in the work and process as long as he benefited from it. I found someone who was, in the end, unfaithful and mean-spirited.

Lots of people find this. I can't think of anyone who would call this a happy ending.

And yet... I still hope! I find myself thinking, "There is someone out there who will love you despite your HIV status, and that kind of person will be the kind of person to really spend the rest of your life with."

Is that insane? Is it hurting me to believe this? I know too many people in my position, male and female, who are on the eternal search. If this were all true, the world would be filled with happy loving relationships. This doesn't appear to be the case.

I don't want to be cynical. I will keep hoping...