3 weeks of meds

Hello again

It's been a few days since I have posted. There are multiple reasons - work, play, more work, but the number one reason is that not much has changed since I last wrote here.

I continue to experience anxiety - less frequently, but when it does hit - it hits so hard. I feel shakey and nervous, and it feels like I can feel my heart beating hard. I feel my pulse, but it doesn't seem to be any different than before, so I guess it's just the nerves.

I am at 3 weeks today with the Truvada / Sustiva combo, and all in all, I have to say that I am pleased that the side effects have not been worse. I have not missed a dose. I came close once, but remembered as I was drifting off to sleep. The cheif complaint remains that pesky anxiety. I feel it now, have since I woke up pretty much. It just feels like something is wrong that I can't quite put my finger on, and it builds and builds.

I took some magnolia bark and another supplement to help me relax about a half hour ago, so I hope that will nip it in the bud. I continue to take the antidepressant as well. I hope these things will start to kick in soon. There is still some work I need to do for my work project, as well as expense reports that are piling up. I hope that will occupy me enough that I can keep from getting to wrapped up in what my body and brain are telling me.

Happy 4th of July

I have family visiting, so finding time to post has been fairly limited. That is a good thing, we have been busy with the usual holiday stuff. Nothing major, nice relaxing, boring at times...

I decided not to tell my family anything about my status at this point. It's too early. I would rather wait and see how my body is going to respond to the HIV meds before telling them. I mean, I would like to say - I am undetectable and not having any side-effects, etc so that they don't worry too much. Worrying will be inevitable, but I would like to think good news would minimize it.

I continue to have issues with anxiety - the antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds are helping to mask it to the point the family havn't mentioned it, but it gets difficult at times. Today is hard I think - because it feels more like a Sunday to me. I know that they will be leaving tomorrow and I will have work to do and be stuck inside for lengths of time. Just a big come down after the visit.

As far as side-effects, the break out seems to be letting up and the anxiety is managable. I was more worried about GI upset while they are visiting, but that hasn't been an issue yet, and a minor one since starting the meds. I continue to hope that the anxiety will respond to the antidepressant and time.

I am looking forward to some degree to having my space back tomorrow, and having more time to write.

7/2 - Side Effects / Depression / Anxiety

Feeling it...

End of a good day...

Side Effects and Sex

the Holiday Weekend

And glad about that! As much as I like travel, it wears thin after a few days. I am happy to say that my next trip will be to Dallas instead of Houston, so that is something to look forward to as well.

I am hoping that by that trip all the side-effects will be under control. The only one I really complain about is the anxiety, although there is some fatigue in there as well. I guess that is all to be expected.

Happy to be home! Look for me more over the next week, I will be able to do more here than last week.

:)

Argh! redux...

So - it happens yet again. I get an angry e-mail from an older guy who is upset because I won't respond to a personal ad where all I see is genitalia. This guy goes on to tell me that I am collecting a lot of karma by not responding to other poz guys just because I am cute, etc.

Give me a freakin break. I have some self respect. I don't respond to pics that I find offensive just because somebody who is poz wants to meet me. I've got a dick too... should I respond just because a guy who wants to meet me has one as well?

I have standards. Why is it that some guys expect me to abandon my ideals now that I am poz? If anything, I feel the need to hold those ideals in a much stronger way.

The universe is a much stranger place than I imagined if this sort of thinking accumulates karma.

The way I see it, I would run the other way if a flasher approached me on the street. I don't think my reaction on-line should be any different.

A bit more relaxed...

OK - so I over-reacted yesterday. I think it has to do with all the stress and fatigue of travel. Not that what I talked about yesterday doesn't bug me, but it shouldn't affect my whole day.

I have had a pretty good trip this week - at least so far. I went out and had a great dinner after a long day of work yesterday and spent an hour longer eating than I normally do. A lot of that had to do with good company. I do enjoy my co-workers!

Meds on the road haven't been an issue. The worst of the side-effects seems to have already passed, although anxiety still is an issue. I don't feel it this morning, but it does seem to hit for no particular reason off and on throughout the day. The only bad thing about not working from home is that I can't take the prescription xanax the doctor gave me - I still have to drive back to the hotel...

I am coming home tomorrow and will be home all next week for the 4th holiday. That's the good news.

The not so good news is that - coming up towards the middle of next month, I will have to leave for Texas, not on Monday, but on Sunday. They want me here bright and early at 8 AM for several training sessions (I provide the training this time) so - it's going to make for some long weeks. I don't mind so much. It's nice to be able to check into the hotel right away, relax, get food etc without working 1st.

It's time to get going to work, so - more later, but I do hope that you are all having a good week!

So I know that I have mentioned this before. It bugs me when guys try to chat with me and expect me to want to have sex with them.

It reached a new low. Now, I am supposed to be grateful when someone that I am not attracted to, wants to have sex with me - because I am HIV positive...

OK. As far as I am concerned - not that much has changed from 2 months ago. Certainly, there are new complications. But to think that my standards dropped significantly from then to now just strikes me as odd. From this point of reasoning, I should have sex with just about anybody because I am positive. The way they see it, my self-esteem must have dropped to the point I should be happy if a mangy old dog comes onto me.

Not going to happen.

I would rather go without for the 30 or 40 years remaining than have sex with people I find otherwise repulsive. I don't have a father complex, I don't find genitalia attractive removed from the people they are attatched to and I certainly don't find guys attractive who would prey on people who they see as newly vulnerable.

Anyway - bugged me - and I had to vent.