New 2 HIV

2006-07-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

3 weeks of meds

Hello again

2006-07-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since I have posted. There are multiple reasons - work, play, more work, but the number one reason is that not much has changed since I last wrote here.

I continue to experience anxiety - less frequently, but when it does hit - it hits so hard. I feel shakey and nervous, and it feels like I can feel my heart beating hard. I feel my pulse, but it doesn't seem to be any different than before, so I guess it's just the nerves.

I am at 3 weeks today with the Truvada / Sustiva combo, and all in all, I have to say that I am pleased that the side effects have not been worse. I have not missed a dose. I came close once, but remembered as I was drifting off to sleep. The cheif complaint remains that pesky anxiety. I feel it now, have since I woke up pretty much. It just feels like something is wrong that I can't quite put my finger on, and it builds and builds.

I took some magnolia bark and another supplement to help me relax about a half hour ago, so I hope that will nip it in the bud. I continue to take the antidepressant as well. I hope these things will start to kick in soon. There is still some work I need to do for my work project, as well as expense reports that are piling up. I hope that will occupy me enough that I can keep from getting to wrapped up in what my body and brain are telling me.

Happy 4th of July

2006-07-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

I have family visiting, so finding time to post has been fairly limited. That is a good thing, we have been busy with the usual holiday stuff. Nothing major, nice relaxing, boring at times...

I decided not to tell my family anything about my status at this point. It's too early. I would rather wait and see how my body is going to respond to the HIV meds before telling them. I mean, I would like to say - I am undetectable and not having any side-effects, etc so that they don't worry too much. Worrying will be inevitable, but I would like to think good news would minimize it.

I continue to have issues with anxiety - the antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds are helping to mask it to the point the family havn't mentioned it, but it gets difficult at times. Today is hard I think - because it feels more like a Sunday to me. I know that they will be leaving tomorrow and I will have work to do and be stuck inside for lengths of time. Just a big come down after the visit.

As far as side-effects, the break out seems to be letting up and the anxiety is managable. I was more worried about GI upset while they are visiting, but that hasn't been an issue yet, and a minor one since starting the meds. I continue to hope that the anxiety will respond to the antidepressant and time.

I am looking forward to some degree to having my space back tomorrow, and having more time to write.

2006-07-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

7/2 - Side Effects / Depression / Anxiety

2006-06-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

Feeling it...

2006-06-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

End of a good day...

2006-06-30T17:10:00.000-07:00

Side Effects and Sex

the Holiday Weekend

2006-06-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

And glad about that! As much as I like travel, it wears thin after a few days. I am happy to say that my next trip will be to Dallas instead of Houston, so that is something to look forward to as well.

I am hoping that by that trip all the side-effects will be under control. The only one I really complain about is the anxiety, although there is some fatigue in there as well. I guess that is all to be expected.

Happy to be home! Look for me more over the next week, I will be able to do more here than last week.

:)

Argh! redux...

2006-06-29T04:19:00.000-07:00

So - it happens yet again. I get an angry e-mail from an older guy who is upset because I won't respond to a personal ad where all I see is genitalia. This guy goes on to tell me that I am collecting a lot of karma by not responding to other poz guys just because I am cute, etc.

Give me a freakin break. I have some self respect. I don't respond to pics that I find offensive just because somebody who is poz wants to meet me. I've got a dick too... should I respond just because a guy who wants to meet me has one as well?

I have standards. Why is it that some guys expect me to abandon my ideals now that I am poz? If anything, I feel the need to hold those ideals in a much stronger way.

The universe is a much stranger place than I imagined if this sort of thinking accumulates karma.

The way I see it, I would run the other way if a flasher approached me on the street. I don't think my reaction on-line should be any different.

A bit more relaxed...

2006-06-28T05:10:00.000-07:00

OK - so I over-reacted yesterday. I think it has to do with all the stress and fatigue of travel. Not that what I talked about yesterday doesn't bug me, but it shouldn't affect my whole day.

I have had a pretty good trip this week - at least so far. I went out and had a great dinner after a long day of work yesterday and spent an hour longer eating than I normally do. A lot of that had to do with good company. I do enjoy my co-workers!

Meds on the road haven't been an issue. The worst of the side-effects seems to have already passed, although anxiety still is an issue. I don't feel it this morning, but it does seem to hit for no particular reason off and on throughout the day. The only bad thing about not working from home is that I can't take the prescription xanax the doctor gave me - I still have to drive back to the hotel...

I am coming home tomorrow and will be home all next week for the 4th holiday. That's the good news.

The not so good news is that - coming up towards the middle of next month, I will have to leave for Texas, not on Monday, but on Sunday. They want me here bright and early at 8 AM for several training sessions (I provide the training this time) so - it's going to make for some long weeks. I don't mind so much. It's nice to be able to check into the hotel right away, relax, get food etc without working 1st.

It's time to get going to work, so - more later, but I do hope that you are all having a good week!

2006-06-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

So I know that I have mentioned this before. It bugs me when guys try to chat with me and expect me to want to have sex with them.

It reached a new low. Now, I am supposed to be grateful when someone that I am not attracted to, wants to have sex with me - because I am HIV positive...

OK. As far as I am concerned - not that much has changed from 2 months ago. Certainly, there are new complications. But to think that my standards dropped significantly from then to now just strikes me as odd. From this point of reasoning, I should have sex with just about anybody because I am positive. The way they see it, my self-esteem must have dropped to the point I should be happy if a mangy old dog comes onto me.

Not going to happen.

I would rather go without for the 30 or 40 years remaining than have sex with people I find otherwise repulsive. I don't have a father complex, I don't find genitalia attractive removed from the people they are attatched to and I certainly don't find guys attractive who would prey on people who they see as newly vulnerable.

Anyway - bugged me - and I had to vent.

I'm Back...

2006-06-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

I hope everybody had a great Pride weekend, here in Chicago, or wherever you celebrate.

The weather for our Pride here in Chicago was iffy at best - sprinkled at the start of the parade, but the weather turned nice by the end of it. The most memorable part of the parade for me was having a car drive over my right foot as I tried to scam a t-shirt. A little black and blue, not too much worse for wear...

I wish I could say that things continue to get better. The fact is - yesterday and this morning have seen some of the worst anxiety of recent weeks. It's very discouraging. I relayed this information to the doctor on Friday - and I did get a prescription for xananx. It seems to help for a little bit, but it wears off quickly. I don't want to take too much, so I don't know if it will really work for me or not.

My biggest hope for the xanax was that it would keep me from thinking about the other things going on in my life, or at least concentrating on them so much. But, and I credit the Sustiva for this, I find myself thinking or dreaming in my sleep about every little thing that bothers me these days.

One thing that is kind of bothering me... I went to a local club here in Chicago Friday night for an HIV social sponsored by a local HIV clinic. A guy started talking to me, nice conversation, but then he turns it on me, saying that I didn't chat with him on-line earlier that day. He acted kind of pissy about it. I tried to explain, but then stopped, figuring - what's the use? I think the better thing for me to do is to just stay away from the chat rooms instead of trying to explain when and where I am, and why I can't chat all the time. It pisses me off, because there are people that I like to communicate with, and I do enjoy talking to new people when I have the time. Maybe I will change my mind now that I am going to be on the road again with a working computer.

There are actually better things to talk about than this. The HIV social was a really good experience, so I will discuss that more later. Fact is, I need to finish getting ready to get on the road.

I am hoping that travel this week will calm me down and I can again feel steady.

A doctor visit today...

2006-06-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

I went to see my doctor today. He's been my doc off and on since I moved to Chicago, depending on insurance coverage for whoever I was working for at the time.

I mentioned some of the issues that I have had with Sustiva and Truvada since starting them a week ago. Most of the side effects, as I have said here, are pretty easy to manage. The one exception is the anxiety that I get. I knew going into the Sustiva that it made depression and anxiety worse - and I have to say, it made me more than a little leery about starting it. I tend to have issues with anxiety - especially over the last 6 months. Normally, the magnolia bark works just great. But the Sustiva just makes it that much more intense. He gave me a prescription for Xanax - so I hope that will get me through this side effect until my body adjusts. The last several days have been ok for anxiety, but I tend to have issues more on weekends for whatever reason. I am glad that it will be here for me.

I really think that the anxiety happens first, and then I get upset about whatever issue is at hand - that becomes the lightening rod for the anxiety. So if I start to get anxious, I look for something to blame it on - and of course, the ex gets a great deal of that. I am hoping that by taking the xanax - I can overcome a lot of those thoughts and get over this once and for all. It just gets to be a vicious circle that I can't seem to break out of easily.

I will let you know how it goes.

As for the other side-effects - they aren't that bad. The dreams are getting less intense and vivid - the stomach discomfort hasn't been noticable today.

2006-06-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Day 6 of Meds

Inspirations

2006-06-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

There is no path. We make the path by walking.
Antonio Machado

I like this quote. It reminds me that my life is unique even though there are events in my life that are not. I learn as I go along. There are people that help me along this path, but it is still one I choose for myself.

Being HIV+ is a part of the path I had hoped to avoid, but now that I am on that path, I can never leave it. The best thing I can do for myself is to make the best decisions I can, so that this path doesn't go into dangerous territory. Relying on the experience of others who have been here is one way to do that.

"Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

-- St. Francis of Assisi, Preacher, Founder of the Franciscan Order

2006-06-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

Day 5 - A New Hope

Hiv treatments in the works

As promised - web addresses

2006-06-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

OK - so here are the web addresses. Just copy and paste into your browser window if you are interested in reading more about these new compounds.

Today is feeling pretty good, despite being dark and stormy here in Chicago. I went to sleep with relative ease last night, and woke up without any anxiety. I hope it stays that way today! It shouldn't be as bad as yesterday, since there are more work assignments to keep me occupied.

Have a great one!

http://www.aidsmeds.com/drugs/PA-457.htm

http://www.aidsmap.com/en/news/7E9AE4D0-FA87-432E-837F-7A350A8F4E94.asp

http://www.sltrib.com/portlet/article/html/fragments/print_article.jsp?article=3482712

2006-06-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

Day 4 Sustive / Truvada - Ex Issues

2006-06-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

Sustiva Dreams Continued

Sustiva Dreams Continued...

2006-06-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

I had a big lunch, since I am having to change my eating habits. I was surprised I felt a little sleepy after eating, so I laid down. After not really having any vivid dreams last night, I wasn't expecting any today, but I was surprised. They weren't nightmares, far from it.

I dreamed that my ex and I were talking on the phone, and that everthing was going to be ok. I wasn't entirely trusting of this in the dream, but I wanted to believe. Then I was at a restaurant eating all these Italian dishes - and they were so good! Cheese stuffed ravioli, pizza, lasagna and some dish with fusili. And I ate it all! I must be craving carbs...

2006-06-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Day 3 Side Effects of Truvada and Sustiva

2006-06-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

I was an exchange student in Denmark when I was 18. Something from that experience that I have kept with me all these years is the following poem by Danish poet Piet Hein...

Do remember to forget
Anger, worry and regret
Love while you've got love to give
Live while you've got life to live!

I think this has particular relevance to my life right now, and I find myself repeating it in my head. With everything that has happened, I need to be able to focus on what's important and meaningful in my life. The other things are distractions, serving no useful purpose.

At the same time, I need to be able to identify those things that cause me pain, and learn how to deal with them. The original poem in Danish, states "Husker at naemer hvad der gaelder" which translates to - remember to name what bothers you. It just doesn't translate in a pretty way, so that's why the above poem is the one typically used. The other part of the original Danish states, "Husker at glemmer bagateller" - which reminds me to 'remember to forget the little things'. That's important too.

I guess a large part of wisdom is learning the difference between the two. I hope this experience is teaching me to know that difference.

2006-06-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

Meds - Day 2, random thoughts

Meds Day 2

2006-06-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

OK - So I got home last night after 2 beers spread out over close to 4 hours, interspersed with lots of water. I took the pills, waited an hour and went to bed. I was thinking that I would have my normal pre-bed snack, but I was getting kind of loopy, so just went to bed hungry.

It was strange - because I didn't want to go to bed - almost out of fear... I was afraid of what dreams I might have, how long I might sleep in... I am used to being up at the crack of dawn, so sleeping much past 6 or 7 is not a good thing for me. But I woke up at a normal time for Sunday, and I don't feel too groggy.

So - all in all pretty good.

Sustiva Dreams

2006-06-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

This is the first real day on meds, just over 24 hours. I have noticed few side effects, certainly nothing that worries me at this point. But the dreams...

They are certainly more than I expected. They are more real, more vivid - not at all surreal. It's difficult to separate them from reality when I wake up - that's how real they are.

I was out walking around today in the sun and heat with my friend Mark. The hear really drained me, so I came home and took a nap. The nap ended up feeling a lot more like sleep, and the dreams came. I dreamed my father had just undergone surgery for an abdominal cancer, and the news wasn't good. It bothered me a lot - they said that he would die from the tumors.

I don't dream about my father that much, any of my parents or family really, so this was more than a little surprising. I had to tell myself when I woke up that none of it was real.

Other than the dreams, I feel more tired than usual, but I guess that is to be expected. I don't feel sick or queasy - I think I thought I would, so I am glad that isn't the case.

I find myself wondering... I know these meds are powerful. I wonder how fast my viral load count is going down. How long would it be before I would really see a difference? Will I feel a difference?

I have friends who had extremely high viral loads going into therapy, and they say that they feel so much better. My viral load was really fairly low in comparison, so I don't know if I should expect to feel 'better' or not. I hope so - it would be great to feel more energy, better mood, etc.

2006-06-16T17:55:00.001-07:00

Side Effects - Day 1

May Cause Drowsiness

2006-06-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

Truvada & Sustiva

2006-06-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

HIVTV

My 1st video blog of this experience

Day 1 of meds, side effects etc

2006-06-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

Well - it was an intense day for me. I went to the pharmacy, got the meds - and rather than wait until bedtime as I should have - decided to take them right away.

At first - I thought - a little drowsy - nothing too much. I waited an hour, had some food - and then the drowsiness really kicked in! I thought it would be an hour nap tops. It was closer to 3. And the dreams! VIVID INTENSE DREAMS! It was like watching movies and trailers for movies the whole time I was asleep. It was surreal.

I woke up, took a shower - and I feel more normal now, but I think I am in for the night. I shouldn't push it, although - it's Friday and I really would like to do something.

I played with my video blog...

http://www.youtube.com/user/HIVTV

It's different than just sitting down and writing - a whole new experience. I kind of enjoy it, but I don't know how often I will really have an excuse to use it. I don't want it to be overkill.

I feel positive today - I am taking the steps I need to be healthy. There is still a part of me that is resistive to the whole med thing. I hope that will change as I get used to it.

People have been contacting me, supporting me, giving me advice, calling me an idiot for taking them so early in the day... All of them are appreciated.

GO!

2006-06-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

OK - it's my 1st day on meds. I just took them about an hour ago.

If you want to check it out - I started a video blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXCVyVyU4pA

It's all there in ugly detail...

Get Set...

2006-06-15T04:28:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the hotel guest business room, looking forward to coming home this afternoon. The problems with my work laptop have been resolved, and I should be receiving it sometime tomorrow. Finally I will be able to catch up on some work that has been sitting in an unusable machine...

I thought a lot yesterday about starting meds tomorrow. I keep wondering if I am starting too early - potentially making things worse down the road. I tell myself - I know what the outcome is if I wait too long, and it isn't good. Even if I weren't to get sick, I risk damaging my immune system to the point it might not ever fully recover. That's a risk I can't take. In my mind, I am preparing for this - I need to be convinced it is the right thing to do.

I am thinking a lot about my ex, too. My friends all tell me that he wasn't / isn't a good person - that I should be grateful to be away. I keep reminding myself that I was EMOTIONALLY ABUSED. I have to tell myself that repeatedly, reminding myself of the emotional roller-coaster he put me on. He couldn't have done a better job of that if he had planned it all out - and it seems sometimes like he did.

I didn't think he was capable of that kind of abuse, but - I remember what he did to me, and I have to accept that he isn't going to change. I will never get an explanation because there is no explanation for abuse. It's a cycle that repeats and doesn't stop until a person recognizes their behavior and makes an effort to change it.

I won't keep silent about it. That just enables him to move on to the next person and treat them the same way, thinking that he will get away with it based on charm and deceit.

There has been so much to deal with over the last 6-8 months. I wonder how I get through this sometimes, but there is no other choice really. I keep plugging away, hoping that it gets better, that life becomes fun again. In the meantime, it's about putting one foot in front of the other, reminding myself that there is a goal. I won't reach the goal by standing still - I have to point myself forward and go there.

People tell me it gets better. But sometimes I wonder. Does it get better? Or do some people just get used to the new problems and become inured to them? I don't want to think that is the case. I know that there are some problems that will not go away now. But I hope that I can learn to navigate them and find some amount of happiness despite all that has happened and will happen.

I am getting ready to go into the office for several hours this morning before catching my flight. A few more hours of distraction...

Ready...

2006-06-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

The picture is maybe a bit of over-kill, but it shows a bit of how I am feeling.

I spoke with my physician yesterday, and I will plan on starting the anti-retroviral medicines on Friday. I feel good about the decision, but I admit that I am nervous about it at the same time.

I realize that starting therapy was inevitable from the moment I was diagnosed, but it still stings. This will require a greater deal of discipline than has been required in my life to this point. The idea that I need to take a certain number of pills at the same time each day, regardless of what is going on is intimidating. I know there are many people who do it, but I question how long it will take me to make this a habit or ritual to the point where I don't even think about it.

The bigger question for me right now, is what effect if any this will have on my life-style. Will I feel sick? Will I have diarrhea? Will I need to be careful about what social situations I put myself into? It's all kind of up in the air.

I have chatted with people who are on the same therapy that I will be taking, and almost universally they say it is easy with limited to no side-effects. I hope that is the case. I fear looking at myself in the mirror and seeing changes such as facial wasting, bloated stomach or a buffalo hump.

But, I need to remember, whatever changes I may experience are worth living without disease. The effects of opportunistic diseases on my body and body image would be far worse than what might happen with meds.

I come home tomorrow. I am looking forward to being in my own home again. The plan at this moment is to be home next week while I start the meds. I hope that the worst of the side effects will be over by the time that I travel again, week after next.

I will keep you all posted.

Today is better

2006-06-13T05:47:00.000-07:00

I slept well last night for the 1st time in a week. I also had a decent meal for a change. It's made for a morning that seems much better, a little brighter in a mental sense.

I still don't know a lot about what is going to happen with my work PC. I will either be getting a new one, or if the motherboard on order comes in first, the old one repaired. In any case, The only means of blogging or chatting is to come into work early and write a few things down.

I called my HIV doctor yesterday and left a message - hoping that he would phone in my prescriptions for the anti-retrovirals. My local pharmacy is a nationwide chain, so if they are on file in Chicago - I can pick them up pretty much where ever on the road. It would at least give me some peace of mind that I would never be far away from the meds, if I would happen to forget them back home.

There are other people here in the office now, so continuing to write at this moment isn't as easy as I would like. Suffice it to say, today is better.

Texas is Hot!

2006-06-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

And not in the exciting sense. I think the high where I am is supposed to be 97 degrees - and talk about muggy...

I am still recovering from my funk yesterday. Maybe it's just because I am tired.

My laptop is either being repaired or I will be issued a new one. It depends on which shows up 1st, the new laptop or the motherboard for my old pc. I see pros and cons to each solution - but I still like the idea of a new pc.

I am not sure how long I will be here this week. I will definitely be home on Thursday at the latest, but might come home earlier, depending on the computer situation. Without a dedicated laptop, I am limited in what I can achieve, but still, they want me here. I am fine with that. I am hoping that a change of scenery will help me work out of the hole I got into yesterday.

On the Road Again...

2006-06-12T02:28:00.000-07:00

All music aside - I am back to Texas for work. This has been a hell of a long week, and I am so hoping that this one goes better than the last.

I got a call last night from my team mate who told me that I shouldn't even bother to come down without a computer. But, I am hoping that I can have a new one fed-exed to me with the old hard drive installed. I will call about that today as soon as I arrive at my destination.

It has to be better this week. My mood can't go much lower and misadventures on the road haven't been that frequent before, I don't see why this week should be more or less eventful than others.

What I really want - is to get away from all the worries and doubts that have been battling in my brain. The HIV is relatively simple in the long run. It's going to be an issue of adhering to medications and living a healthier lifestyle. The medications will be easy. The healthier lifestyle bit will be harder.

I know I don't eat right. I have always been a light eater with a poor sense of appetite. I can go several days between meals with a snack here and there. It drives my friends crazy. I don't hate food - I love it. But it can be a hassle between preparing and clean-up when I don't even feel that hungry. This isn't a good sign, because I know that many anti-retrovirals don't do appetite good to begin with...

Anyway - I need to get out of here. The plane isn't going to wait for me as I found out several weeks ago!

Today

2006-06-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

I don't like writing today - but I feel like I have to. I want to be condifent and happy - but I'm not.

I feel confused, upset, angry, disappointed, resentful, sad, anxious, punished, belittled, frustrated - I could go on. All these things swimming around my head like sharks ready to go into a feeding frenzy.

Why is it that one day a week - almost always Sundays - I go through this? I know it isn't work, because god knows I am looking forward to being back on the road - even though I don't know what I am going to do without a computer. And this isn't just the HIV. I know that plays a lot into it, but there are other things as well.

I know I don't have control - control is an illusion. I have the power to affect and change my own life - but I swear there are times when it just gets overwhelming. Part of me thinks - change your attitude and change your mind - distract yourself from what is bothering you. The other part says that I need to FEEL this - experience it and find understanding. I don't know if that is possible if I don't let myself experience everything that is happening to and around me.

I want to explode and yell and be upset. I've done that - and sometimes it helps. But I don't feel like I have given myself permission to do that. Growing up - I was always the peacemaker. I tried to keep everything around me calm - and I still do that. Most of the time it works. People respond well to calm rational communication. Situations resolved with this approach generally have much better outcomes.

I have cried and allowed myself to feel bad. I know and expect that there will be bad days. We all have them whether or not we have HIV. It's just that right now - this is so much harder than I have had to face in recent memory. Not since the death of my sister, anyway. And at least with that I had a sense of closure - I knew what happened. I understood and accepted it with time.

Now - I don't understand what is happening in a purely emotional sense. I try to put the pieces in place. I do therapy - I talk about these things. But sometimes it feels like talking just isn't enough and doesn't do anygood anyway. I know that's not true, but it feels like it. The gut level animal wants to let out the rage and the fury.

I will be alright. I know this. I may always have hurt and pain because I will never have understanding of somethings. Part of that will always be there. Most people have pain. Most people suffer somewhere in their lives. I really feel that I am lucky that I haven't had more of it in my life. I can accept the HIV. Things happen, mistakes are made. But when people that I care for appear to intentionally cause me pain and not explain why - it's just so freaking cruel. Some people have told me to get revenge - to tell everyone his name and everything he did to me. I just can't fight back like that. It isn't who I am.

I think about dogs. You can tell the ones that are abused because they always shy away and cower when someone tries to pet them. They can never be sure what will be pleasure and what will be pain when it comes to their masters hand, or any other hand for that matter.

I don't want to be like this - I want to be capable of accepting affection without wondering if it will be turned around on me to cause hurt.

It's going to take work.

Comments from a reader...

2006-06-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hi Everybody - I got this e-mail from a man in California today, describing his journey with HIV.

" I wanted to congratulate you on your website and your drive to make a difference. I have known I am HIV+ since April 1st 2005 (yes, that was on April FoolÂ’s Day, when I was informed of my status), I know when I first found out (as expected) I crashed hard, but bounced back quickly and I had to push myself hard to get to a point that I could function again. I did good for awhile, but my problem came when those around me (that new my status) didnÂ’t think I was handling it correctly and had a preconceived idea of how I was supposed to behave (depressed, sick .. blah, blah, blah), unfortunately I fell for it and ended up this needy, depressed, weak, shell of a person. In a matter of weeks I crashed again and this time I did not believe I could ever get up. I would only allow myself to feel good when I was around the same people that made me think this way. The only problem was they didnÂ’t realize it, because now I was acting the part. I was an emotional wreck and went through bouts of suicide, severe depression, and major anxiety attacks. This lasted for months, I was a student at the time and ended barley passing the classes I was taking, and also never went back when the next semester started. When I hit my low-low, I was not sure what to do, I honestly did not want to live any longer, I took a Â‘fewÂ’ sleeping pills and prayed it would end. Luckily for me my soul was not ready for my body/mind to give up. I lied down after I took the pills and for some unknown reason I became agitated, hyper, and very alert, the opposite reaction that the pills should have had. I could feel the heaviness of exhaustion inside, but it would not come out. I sat up and cried. My mind raced for the rest of the night, by the time the sun came up the next morning I knew my life was changing again. I realized that I person I became was not who I was and began to feel disgusted, but alive. I immediately went to my computer and wrote out my feelings, and wrote, and wrote. I pour all of my feelings into words and then read it aloud to myself. Reality came back and I began my climb back up, the first step was to tell those around me that I was OK and I would be that way, I welcomed there help, but I did not want it unless I asked for it. Surprisingly they were very good about it, as if they understood. I then decided to semi-isolate myself from most of them, only to show myself I was strong enough to do this on my own (to a degree). I started therapy about the same time, and it helped dramatically. Now I had another outlet for my emotions and I released. A few months of therapy and things started to level off again. I am not back to who I was before I found out of my status, I never will be. That door was opened and now it is closed, I can do nothing about the how, the why, the where, all I can do now is deal with who I am now. I am the same person, but now I have my scarlet letter, how I display it, is up to me. HIV is a life changing event, even for those around you. I donÂ’t regret telling those who are close to me, I do regret not knowing how they would react to such a major change and expect them to understand and be able to help me through it. They are now a huge part of my support, but only because I know what support I need. I know now that talking with others in the same situation and/or a mental health professional would have been the best way to go.

Something to know about me, I have always been very independent and strong willed, I never asked for help for anything. So for me to get to such a place and look back at it now, is still very upsetting and embarrassing, but we leave that for the therapist. J I have long passed the year mark now and I feel good. I think about things that have happened as a result of being HIV and the effect it has had on my life and those around me, and I do still cry, but shortly thereafter I smile and realize I am still alive, so be alive. One year passed on my new journey through life, I may have HIV, but my heart is stronger, my courage is stronger, my will to be here is stronger.

Congratulations and good luck on your mission, I have finally found mine. J "

I can certainly understand the desperation that goes along with this diagnosis. There are periods of isolation / feeling alone - whether it is true or not, feelings of abandonment and fear among the many others. What we need to remember is that life is a gift, and we have been given a unique perspective on what it means. 20 years ago, this virus was considered a death sentence. Now, we have a reprieve, and more reprieves every year with advances in science and medicine.

I think what we need now, is to continue to encourage understanding in ourselves as well as the people who share our communities and nation. By overcoming the fear and stigma associated with HIV, we will be better prepared to help those who are newly diagnosed, and the newly diagnosed will not be faced with the same issues that have so plagued us.

Thanks J for writing!

One other thing...

2006-06-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine from on-line told me about his video-blog. I went and took a look - it was great fun! I started looking at other blogs and found one that I wanted to share. It's about a gay man being tested, fearing that he is positive. It is something that a lot of gay men go through when being tested, so I wanted to share it with all of you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNFJCtQfguU&search=hiv

It makes me wonder about doing my own...

Yesterday

2006-06-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

I didn't post as much as I could have yesterday. I wanted to process the day before setting it in here.

I went to the dr. appointment as I said, the CD4 / T-cell count wasn't back. That bothered me, but what can you do? The dr. said he would call me when the result was in. He called later in the day - the result was essentially unchanged from the previous visit - up only by less than 10 points and still where he would like me to begin treatment.

I had thought about this quite a bit over the last week. I have been leaning towards starting regardless, but - and I know this sounds weird - I want to start because I want to, not because somebody else tells me I should. I weigh the pros and cons - and I know it is the right thing to do. If I wait, I risk serious damage to my immune system to the point it may never recover to pre-infection levels. The cons are damage to the liver and kidneys, although this appears less likely with the new medications.

The choice is made. I will start medications next week. I travel to Texas again this week, so I don't think now is the time to start. The following week will be spent working from home, so any initial side-effects will be easier to manage knowing I don't have to be anywhere.

In other news, I went to a local club called Hydrate for an HIV+ social / get together, whatever you want to call it. I was hesitant to go - just really not my thing in many ways. I have never really identified myself with specific subgroups of gay culture before, and the idea of it was never really appealing. This is different though. The group at Hydrate may have been all or at least predominantly gay, but being HIV+ is really not related - different from being gay.

I had a good time. It was interesting to chat with people in person that I had met on-line. I am not the most social person in the world, so this was a big step for me. I will probably go again next month.

I am off to see my therapist - think we will chat about the second set of counts that I received this week...

Good Morning

2006-06-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well - I am about to go and find out my t-cell count. I am not as optimistic about the result, mainly because the last week was so stressful, and stress can / does affect the count.

Still, I am encouraged by the VL drop. 36% is more than I hoped for, so I am pleased with that.

In the meantime - I am kind of bored. The amount of work I can do from home is pretty limited due to the PC accident. I am trying to relax and reflect...

The good news and the not bad, but frustrating news...

2006-06-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

I ran to the doctors office like I said I would and just asked to see the results of the most recent testing...

The good news is - I managed to decrease my viral load with natural supplements by a whopping 36%! I was amazed to see such a dramatic change. I hope it keeps working this way.

The not so great frustrating news is - they lost the t-cell count. It was disappointing to be sure. I really wanted to see a change in that as well...

In any case - it's good that I went in and found out the one lab was lost - easy enough to draw more blood and the result should be in tomorrow. I am not as optimistic about this result - mostly due to the amount of stress that I have had to deal with this last week, between travel problems and the destroyed PC, lack of proper sleep - etc...

I will keep you all informed.

Home again

2006-06-08T07:12:00.000-07:00

I made it home - some fun things happened that made the trip seem worthwhile. I actually ran into my parents from Iowa at O'Hare! The timing that had to happen so that I would see them - one in a million? I had to come home early, miss the flight I thought I was booked on, took a woman I met on the plane to where she needed to be - just to be able to run into my folks.

It really made me re-think about how bad everything was this trip!

Today - I am going to try to go take a look at my most recent labs. Like I have said before - I plan on starting meds this week, but it would be good to know exactly how things are progressing. I am a little stressed about it, but hanging in there I think.

I will tell more when I have the info.

The Hell of 6-6-06

2006-06-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

Man - what a day! I seriously was beginning to feel cursed...

My hotel didn't have hot water OR air conditioning that worked. I didn't sleep well, because let's face it - Houston is HOT. Stumbling around in the morning, I managed to spill a can of soda onto my laptop - of course it's dead now.

I had to run up to Dallas to my corporate office to start the process of getting a new laptop. I am hoping they can retrieve all the data that was on the hard drive, if not just switch the hard drive into the new pc.

It was an exuhausting day to be sure. I am currently at the airport accessing a pc here. I will be back in Chicago this afternoon and will be happy as Hell to be home...

I am going to see if I can get the results of my recent blood word early. I don't think it would be good to sit around for 2 days waiting.

In Other News...

2006-06-06T04:18:00.000-07:00

This one isn't very happy touchy feely either...

http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060606/LIFESTYLE03/606060378/1040

It's an article relating slower HIV drug discoveries, the delays with vaccines and the like.

On the brightside...

http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/science/20060606-9999-1m6aids.html

This article describes a robot to automate the search for possible HIV vaccine candidates.

And the happiest one to my eyes...

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/04/07/MNGH6I59Q61.DTL

This article describes stem cell therapy to alter the human immune system to combat HIV without the need to anti-retrovirals. The article is concise and informative, giving an excellent review of the procedure. The article also relates that 'several' patients have been doing well with this therapy.

The Continuing Stigma of HIV / AIDS

2006-06-06T04:14:00.000-07:00

I saw this in on on-line edition of a newspaper from Lacrosse WI.

http://www.lacrossetribune.com/articles/2006/06/05/news/02aids05.txt

The article doesn't really tell us anything we don't already know, but it's good that it is reported - hopefully will educate more people and cause some people to re-think their prejudices.

From a reader...

2006-06-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

I received an e-mail from a reader - he gave me permission to publish part of what he wrote.

"One I have not heard you mention yet is the HIV+ casualness about sex with other HIV+ guys. I know gay men in general are fairly casual about sex, but there is a subset of the HIV group that sort of believes live and let live with regard to sex. Since they are infected, they feel they can have sex with each other without protection. It kind of freaks me out. There is some research to suggest that having unsafe sex can lead to super infection, etc. When I first considered dating again, I met some guys who invited me to join an HIV+ sex club. I jumped back in the HIV closet and have avoided dating since.

I also seem to find a lot of guys who prior to getting HIV, lead very promiscuous lives, including sex parties, etc. Not my scene. No surprise some of them are poz. I feel cheated, because I was being careful, dating without sex (hard to do) and trying to find a relationship. Serial monogamy leading to long term commitment was my hope.

Now, being celibate has almost become easy. Sex, and drinking (which is probably why I don't remember unsafe sex - I was drunk) are two things I don't have much interest in any longer. Hence, I'm not much of a bar frequenter any longer.

Anyway, just curious if you have run into the same preponderance of HIV+ guys who are casual about sex. You seem to share some of the same beliefs about sex, I think, that I do."

I have to admit - I am surprised by the number of men I see continuing to engage in high risk sexual behaviors. I understand the need to express oneself sexually, but to do so without safe sex practices appears to be irresponsible precisely for the reason the reader has stated. By combining strains of HIV, there is the risk of creating super-infections. It is possible that by combining strains of HIV, a new strain will be created that will be resistant to current medications.

It is difficult to assess what percentage of gay men actually engage in this type of behavior. I don't believe that the men I see on gay.com are a representative sample of the entire gay population afflicted with HIV. Of the men on gay.com, I wonder how many advertising for risky sexual encounters actually engage in them as well.

Any thoughts?

Thanks to the reader who wrote to me.

Made it...

2006-06-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

I am finally in the hotel room after a long day of travel and work. I managed to get some food with a co-worker, so all is good.

I found myself thinking about my doctor appointment this Friday. I don't know what to expect, but part of me thinks - the decision is going to be to start meds. I would have to see a dramatic decrease in viral load to come to any other decision. I have several friends who are keen on my keeping up with the supplements as my primary defense. I like the idea of natural treatments, but I don't know that they will be able to match the potency of pharma meds.

I am less worried about the idea of pharma treatment now - I have met enough people who have been on treatment long enough without side effects to know that it shouldn't be that bad.

My friend Mark came over last night - cooked for him and we watched the 2nd part of the Frontline documentary on AIDS. I was very impressed, but people tell me the 1st part of the series was better. In any case, the show had much to say about the anti-retrovirals and the impact they have had on the crisis. The conclusion is obvious - the meds work. They may be toxic, but less so than first generation options. With the introduction of these medications, the mortality of HIV and subsequent infections dropped dramatically. They were designed to act against HIV and did so very well. What is obvious to me - is that by creating an undetectable viral load, the health of AIDS patients improved. The link between HIV and subsequent opportunistic infections is therefore made apparent.

So I made it to work, and it seems like, maybe I have made a decision...

The bags are packed...

2006-06-05T03:19:00.000-07:00

The last week was at points, slow, hectic, fast-paced, enjoyable, emotionally draining and at points boring. That's what happens when I work from home. I am surrounded by my apartment for most of the hours of the day.

That changes today. I am leaving for work - which means flying out of town for 4 days. I am looking forward to getting back into a normal routine and the change of scenery. I probably won't have as much time to think about what is going on in my life... which is good, because I am waiting for the second set of counts to come back. Based on those - I will decide whether or not to start treatment.

I will try and keep up here with the blog. There is much to say based on some e-mails I received over the weekend.

Stay tuned...

Something that is bothering me today

2006-06-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's still Sunday - and I am still having a hard day. I have been out, done some things that I thought might spark and improved mood. But I get home, sit infront of the computer and every other click reminds me of the ex. The problem is - he purchased and registered my computer for me using his name - I gave him the cash to do it - and now - there is no way to remove his name from the system without re-installing the system. This would mean that every application that I have purchased by download would be useless or limited in functionality.

It is frustrating to try and forget this guy and everything he did to me when I am constantly reminded by little things like this. I know that I won't be able to eliminate his memory, but to have all these constant little irksome reminders...

The Lightning Rod Effect

2006-06-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

You know? One of the things I tell myself is that I won't blame HIV for the end of a relationship, or for anything that goes wrong in my life. The simple fact is, whatever happens - happens because of how I handle a situation. By encouraging this attitude in myself, I decrease the risk of losing my self-responsibility.

But here I am... All of the sudden I hear myself saying, "I can't talk to that guy. What's the point? I have HIV, nothing will happen and I will feel bad." But the truth of it is, I was shy before this and always had a hard time approaching guys I find attractive. I never had an excuse before, other than the simple fact of being afraid to put myself out there. This isn't to say I have never dated or formed good relationships - it's just been a lot harder to initiate.

But now I have a lightning rod to attatch everything that will go wrong with meeting guys in the future. Sure, there are going to be guys who can't handle me being HIV+, sure - there will be relationships where the virus will be an issue - but it won't be the only issue and it won't be an impossible one to overcome. Difficult to be sure, but not impossible.

In psychological terms, this is an example of an external locus of control. The concept describes someone who blames everything and everyone around him or her for their failures and successes. This is contrasted with the internal locus of control where the individual gives credit or blame to themselves only for successes and failures. The ideal is a balance, being able to correctly identify sources of success and failure. Some of these have external causes, some internal and some a combination of both. The trick is to able to realize this and stay balanced.

I don't understand why, but it seems like I always have a hard time with Sundays. I am much more likely to feel moody and down. I guess part of it is the idea that it is the end of the weekend, that work will keep me occupied for the next week, the typical hassles of the work week, etc. The problem is that I let this ruin what would otherwise be a beautiful day. That is something else I need to work on.

2006-06-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

OK - it's not that bad. But- I guess I need to expect ups and downs. Maybe I was just tired last night - it was a busy day, lots to do. But I did feel discouraged by the end of it. I can't say that it was HIV related - I got discouraged with the scene before I knew as well. It seems like guys that I am attracted to will pay attention one week, and be over it the next. Maybe I am too shy and too much effort is involved - maybe they are shy as well. Or maybe that's just an excuse.

It's nice to have attention paid to you that's innocent, playful. But sometimes I swear - I either feel like I am being pursued or being avoided. And I don't know why I even care! It's not like I am trying to start anything, but it is good to know that there is the option of exploring that.

OK - a shower will change my perspective - getting out in the day will brighten my mood...

Fun with Cameras

2006-06-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

I have had this thing for water images lately. I decided to get some of them out of my head. The images that I chose are organic, almost cellular. They spark something in my brain - I guess given my current situation that is understandable. Click on the image for the full size - they look better that way.

UPDATE - my friend told that these were pics of water swirling around a drain - that this is maybe how I feel psychologically. I really don't think so...LOL - but it's an interesting perspective.... ;)

Once again... this bugs me...

2006-06-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

I go on Gay.com often. I have friends there - I look for information and conversation there with people who are in my position. What bugs me - and it really bugs me... is when guys with naked pics and suggestive screen names contact me. I understand that a lot of these guys maybe just want to chat - but when I see a pic of an butt staring me in the face - I think the guy is an ass. When I see a pic of a penis looking right up at me - I think - this guy is a dick. I want no part of it. If they want to put naked pics in their profiles - fine - make them private - I don't want to see them. If I am curious, I will ask.

Maybe I am just cynical - but when a guy with a naked pic contacts me - I think he must be looking for sex. If they are honestly just looking for conversation, then get another screen name with a simple face shot, or no shot at all. Quite honestly, the guys with these pornographic pics - aren't guys I would look at twice anyway. I sometimes think that the cyber-age has allowed flashers to do their flashing in the comfort of their own homes.

I just don't appreciate it.

Reflections on the day

2006-06-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

I had a good day. I went to a therapist appointment, bought a couple of framed photographs and an antique Mah Jongg set at a yard sale, chatted and got together with friends and enjoyed the great weather we are having. I laid down for a bit when I got home - just relaxing - and I had this dream... I dreamt that I was getting ready to have sex with this guy. He started to act kind of strange in the dream, and I said, "I'm not ready for this..." and started to walk away. He chases after me and hits me over the head. I was able to get away in the dream. I woke up and thought about it - I already know that I am not ready for a sexual encounter - why is my subconscious wasting my time telling me something that I already know?

I was talking with my best friend on the phone just a moment ago. We talked about a lot of things - but the conversation turned to relationships - what we are looking for - the usual. Just because I am not in a relationship or even want to be in one right now doesn't mean that I don't want that in the future.

The guys that I chat with on-line all seem to agree that poz guys should date poz guys. I can understand that way of thinking, but I don't know that I agree 100%. Many have mentioned failed relationships with men who were HIV negative. They all blamed HIV status as the reason for the break-up. But I have to wonder if there weren't other issues going on, if maybe the HIV status issue wasn't just a lightning rod for the other problems faced in the relationship. Let's face it - neg/neg relationships aren't all that successful either. Neither are poz/poz relationships.

It occurs to me that relationships need open honest communication to work. To say that poz men should only date poz men is to my mind like saying that diabetics should only date diabetics, that people with cancer should only date people with cancer. I realize that there is a big difference here with HIV. You can't catch diabetes and you can't catch cancer... But every illness creates issues in a relationship for both the person afflicted and the partner who is disease free.

Maybe time and experience will give me a better perspective on this issue. I will keep you posted.

Update: www.hivsurvivorsproject.org

2006-06-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

The construction page is now up, so everything is going as expected...

update 2 = email to the project site

2006-06-03T06:41:00.000-07:00

The e-mail isn't working yet, but the address will be...

admin@hivsurvivorsproject.org

in the meantime, continue to contact me at

dayhill@rcn.com

Update on www.hivsurvivorsproject.org

2006-06-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

I just received an e-mail stating that the domain is active. If you click on it you should see a page under construction message. I tried - still says not found... Hopefully soon.

The Project - and a request for help

2006-06-03T06:12:00.000-07:00

Morning folks. I have been debating this one for more than a week. The more I speak to people here, the more I realize how invisibility and subsequent isolation have a devastating impact on people with this virus. I believe that many people want to be seen. I understand that too many people are rightly afraid of discrimination and harassment if they are known to have HIV, but still need support systems that are all too often difficult to reach.

For this reason, I have decided to see what I can do about creating a web-site for people with HIV. The name of the site is registered now and will be...

www.hivsurvivorsproject.org

It is pending, so if you try and go there - you will get a site not found error.

The idea is simply this. I want to create a site where people living with HIV can tell their own story and be seen. It is a place where people with HIV can go to find others with the virus and know that it is not an ending, but a beginning. All too often this virus is seen as a death sentence. We as a community need something to educate our and the general population that people with HIV are leading normal productive lives in good health.

admittedly - there are many people not doing well with this virus. Their story needs to be told as well. I won't have this issue be sugar coated. But this virus leads to more pain, misery and death because of ignorance. That is one thing that we as a community can overcome, and I hope that this project can serve in that fight.

At this time, I need help if you are interested. I will be asking around on my own, but if you or anyone you know has good web-design skills, and willing to donate their services - I would love to talk to you or them. Potential individual or corporate sponsors are welcome as well. This will be non-profit, but there will be costs that I will need to underwrite.

I am somewhat worried that this may be too large a project to take on on my own. If someone with deep pockets and skills wants to take this over at some point, I would be more than happy to let them do it. I want this to be a successful resource for our community. I would like to see the vision through and have it up and running - any help would be greatly appreciated.

The Joy of Synchronicity...

2006-06-03T04:49:00.000-07:00

Carl Jung defined the term synchronicity to describe an event with meaningful coincidence. It's like when you are thinking of a friend and then suddenly run into them. It happens to all of us from time to time - it happened to me again last night.

I was out with the intent of getting some food - but had been inside my place all day infront of the computer working and exchanging e-mails with people from here. Chatting on breaks, etc. I decided that it would be nice to make an early run to my favorite bar - Sidetracks - just to see if anyone I knew was around.

I had been thinking about my friend Jeffrey. He and I went to high school together. He was one of the 1st gay people I ever met. We are both members of a group of friends that goes all the way back to high school - some straight - some gay. I love all these people very much. So imagine my surprise when after not having seen him in at least a year and a half - I ran into him and one of his friends last night!

I have been telling my close friends about my status since day one - and I didn't want to leave him out, so I took him aside and filed him in on the details. He was great with it as I knew he would be. His friend came over, and I didn't shield it from him - he was great with it too. His friends' name is Michael. Michael and his partner Rick have been together for 4 years.

It was - I don't know - show tunes hour? at Sidetracks while we were there. I don't generally get into that - but we had fun with it. The crowd goes nuts for certain songs - for example - Madonna singing 'Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" - getting into it as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It is hilarious! So we played along.

While we were having fun, I pointed out a guy who I have always thought was cute as (insert adjective here) for a long time. You know - eye candy - but not like ohmygod hot eye candy - just what I find to be cute. I am sure a lot of people would agree with me. I had always thought he was way too young to do anything but look and smile. Jeffrey... Jeffrey is not shy. He and I are like opposite sides of the same gay coin. He just went up and started talking to him. He isn't nearly as young as I thought. He is certainly within the age range that I like to be in when dating - close to my own age. A little younger - but only by several years.

Then Michaels partner Rick shows up - and we start chatting as well. It turns out they are good friends with this guy. Rick wanted to introduce me, but I said no. He asked why - I told him the situation. This is all too new to get someone else involved. I have some major trust issues with men right now - and it wouldn't be fair to put someone new into a situation that I don't quite have figured out yet. And this is all even assuming that the guy would be interested...

But isn't it strange how things like this happen? Just a weird set of coincidences, I guess. I mean - it is a small community, but not that small...

I am not trying to get all new agey on anybody, but I do have certain beliefs about how life works. There are certain people who are supposed to be in your life for whatever reason. If you don't make the effort to seek them out and maintain contact, well... life will do it for you. I need to believe that there is meaning behind events like the one I am facing - that this has something to teach me that is very important to my development. My relationships with friends are a huge part of that process and I am going to embrace it to whatever end.

The picture with this post, by the way - is entitled 'Love Knot'

Trying to wake up

2006-06-02T04:20:00.000-07:00

Good morning and happy Friday!

Darts - well - my teammate and I played well last night, but the guys we played against were just too damned good! Our team in general did well - at least held our own and tied the match. So that's something to be happy with I guess. It seems like we do better every week.

Playing last night helped my mood. Getting the blood tests yesterday - that's something I am going to have to get used to. It wasn't upsetting - didn't make me angry or depressed. It just kind of brought it all home again. Having blood tests is now a part of the landscape If anything was upsetting - was that the phlebotomist drew the blood from my throwing arm - and it felt like he stabbed me right in the elbow! I almost wondered if I would be able to throw without wincing in pain. It did feel better after and hour or so.

Anyway - I need a shower - think that will help my outlook a bit.

More weirdness - but good

2006-06-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

I had the blood drawn - so next week I will see what the results are.

In the meantime - I was going through newsletters from a place where I used to work. Why they send me these things I don't know - but I have a hard time throwing them away. I decided to throw some of these things away, but glanced at one of the issues from last year. Who should I see a picture of, but one of the 1st guys I ever dated! Strange. But it made me smile. Seeing him brought back some memories of when I was 1st coming out - and how much things have changed. I mean - c'mon - this was going on - but not quite - 20 years ago. Man that is hard to believe.

I looked up his e-mail and sent him a quick note. Just to say hello, re-connect if only for a moment. It's nice to know that people who have been important to you at points in your life, reappear every now and again. And to see that they are doing well makes it feel great. It brightened a day that was filled with some anxiety.

I do enjoy when things like that happen! It makes me feel like somebody is watching out for me. Hope that doesn't sound too superstitious. ;)

I play darts tonight - so I am looking forward to that. I hope we play well - or at least hold our own!

Be Well

It's just a strange day...

2006-06-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I am going in today to get my counts drawn. I was supposed to do it tomorrow, but I play darts tonight and will be out later than usual. I don't want to go in there tired and have it affect my counts - if that is possible, so I will do it today. It is making my mood weird. I want to see a good trend - numbers going in the right way - but I am a little nervous about what will happen if they aren't as good or as stable as I would like. I guess it will mean meds.

In the meantime, work is slow today. I started to watch a movie I rented yesterday called 'Dorian Blues'. I haven't finished it yet - just got back from laundry. But it is uncanny how closely I identify with the title character. If I were a paranoid - I would think these people had cameras trained on me since high school. If the title character gets HIV at the end - I will strongly consider filing a lawsuit.

Kidding

Who's with me on this one?

2006-06-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

I propose that we start a Gay Securities and Exchange Commision. Gay men who pratice unethical relationship behaviors - trading their partners in when their perceived stock price goes down - could be charged and convicted of bad relationship behavior and sent to a facility to spend their days with others of their own kind.

We could probably get Falcon Video to underwrite the cost for the filming rights, since it would be a non-stop-sex-pig-orgy. So... we don't have to deal with the jerks, the jerks get to have all the pig sex they want and Falcon Video makes money. WIn Win Win.

Yes - the gay neighborhoods would be decimated and certain bars and bathhouses would suffer. But in the long-run - wouldn't it be worth it?

I don't know - too bitter?

Chatting away

2006-06-01T05:32:00.000-07:00

I lot of people have found my blog from when I am chatting on Gay.com. It is comforting, but kind of over-whelming at the same time. I certainly don't mind chatting with people about this, it is actually very reassuring. But there are times when there are too many conversations going at the same time. That doesn't bother me, really. I just feel bad if I don't talk to everyone. I can only do 3 or so at a time to still be able to follow the conversations.

Then - I have this thing - not proud of it, but... I get weirded out when I see naked / pornographic pics of the guys trying to chat with me. I don't mind if all they are trying to do is chat. I am not ashamed of my body, I don't expect others to be - that it doesn't mean that they are looking for anything. But there are times when they do try to get me into conversations I don't want to have. So rather than start chatting, I clam up.

This happens sometimes with fully clothed guys as well - but not as often. That freaks me out even more. It especially is worrysome when someone who is neg starts coming onto me, or talking about barebacking. It really makes me wonder.

I was chatting with a guy - a young young guy - the other night, so confided that he has fantasies about being barebacked by someone who is poz. I hope that a fantasy is all it is. We have all heard the news reports about bug chasers and gift givers. I just shake my head. I don't know if I think it really exists to any real degree, but I am sure there are small numbers of people who fit the bill. I think the vast numbers of people who talk about this are expressing fear fantasies - I hope I am right about that.

If you are someone who reads this - and you try to chat with me with a naked pic... that's ok. But please make it obvious in your 1st line that you aren't looking for or want to talk about sex. That's something I can't do right now.

Be Well

Abstinence

2006-05-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

After the last 6 months, sex hasn't been the 1st thing on my mind. 2nd or 3rd maybe, but a distant 2nd or 3rd. Between a bad end to a relationship and discovering that I am HIV positive - it's been, well - a few life altering events. Those events have changed priorities and my sex life has fallen prey to that.

I don't miss the sex per se. What I do miss is being close to someone, waking up with someone next to me. So it isn't the sexual abstinence that bothers me so much right now. The emotional abstinence is a little harder to get used to. I know that being alone - being a friend to myself - is an important thing to be able to do. But, I think building relationships is equally important - and for me - that can be kind of difficult.

I think it is for a lot of us. Being gay is easier now than it ever has been, I think. But being gay with HIV and trying to develop significant relationships is a hell of a lot more complicated. I have to decide - do I date guys who are positive exclusively? How do I know who is and who isn't? It's not like we walk around with signs or turn colors...

AND - when will I be ready? Only time will tell I guess...

Wanted to share this with you all

2006-05-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

Hi folks. A guy who reads here wrote me an e-mail and he gave me permission to share..

"I have been infected for just a couple of weeks longer than one year. I am 44. I've given up trying to figure out how or by whom because I was practicing safe sex. Of course, I now realize why the official word is "safer" sex. Nothing is fool proof except abstinence. In my case the doctor caught it almost immediately at sero-conversion. Luckily, I have a gay doctor. I had flu like symptoms, and a weird rash. The doc thought it might be syphilis. When I went to get the syphilis test, they tested me for HIV. I thought nothing of it because I had a negative HIV test 3 weeks earlier. Su-prise Su-prise! Anyway, my point of telling you all this is that my HIV doc put me on meds immediately under the fairly new theory that catching the virus during sero-conversion and starting HAART may improve long-term immune function because it does not have time to replicate and get into deep tissue or other hiding spots. Who knows. I hate being on meds, mainly because I hate putting a foreign substance in my body. It has to have a long term negative effect - even if it does prolong my life."

What I think is... yes, if possible and when advisable AND as long as your physician agrees, see what you can do to wait before medications. The long term impact is unknown so we are taking some chances in this regard. We DO KNOW THE LONG TERM IMPACT OF HIV INFECTION. That impact is far worse than what may or may not happen years down the road. So these medications are useful. You just need to make sure that you are ready to be on these meds.

Also - remember - there are better treatments and medications coming. In the meantime, we are buying ourselves time. I hope, as I am sure all of you do, that less toxic medications and treatments will be available soon.

Thanks to David for the e-mail and letting me copy part of it here.

A new me

2006-05-31T11:58:00.000-07:00

Just a new haircut, always makes me feel better about things!

The Little Things

2006-05-31T05:14:00.000-07:00

Mean a lot? Well - the little things give my day structure. They provide me with daily landmarks that are familiar and comfortable. Some things don't change, and it is nice to have those things around to keep me grounded in this unfamiliar territory.

I am talking about things like - the smell of the shampoo, the feel of the hot shower against my skin, the cat yowling at me because she can see the bottom of her supper dish... The list goes on and on. These things are small, but they represent 'normal'. They represent a life that isn't really out of the ordinary in most ways. Sure - there are some new, strange and frightening aspects to my life now, but these little things - they haven't changed.

I get contacted by people on gay.com frequently. A lot of the people who contact me offer encouragement and support for which I am extremely grateful. But there are others who have contacted me - because they are afraid of the virus. It's a healthy fear to be sure... but last night, a young man told me he didn't think he could go on living if he finds out that he has HIV. I understand that thinking. When I was his age - HIV had just been identified as the source of AIDS. I remember thinking - 'So this is how I die.' I thought - if I get this - I will have an 'accident' and no one will be the wiser.

Age has given me some perspective, and luckily time has provided us with treatments that offer real hope to those who suffer with this virus. While I understand the despair that this diagnosis brings, we need to be able to step back and remember, that this only changes our lives as much as we let it. Those little day to day things won't change, and in the end... those little things mean a lot.

A little piece of me

2006-05-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

I cut myself shaving today. I saw this little drop of red forming on my chin - and I just stared. The 1st thing that popped into my mind was - this little bit of me... contains this deadly virus in unbelievable numbers. I just couldn't believe it. This is something we have all grown used to seeing from time to time. It's part of a common experience. And here it is - it is a completely new and frightening realization. This little bit of me contains something that is responsible for death and misery throughout the world.

I went to work, but this small incident demanded my attention for most of the morning. I thought about it. And I thought about it some more.

It occurs to me... this drop of blood. It isn't what it contains, rather it is what it means. It means I am still alive. It means I can feel pain and joy, laugh and cry, that as long as I can bleed my heart beats and I am alive! it means I AM HUMAN. This virus that's in there, is not part of me. It does not define who I am and what I feel. It may have tagged along for the ride, but it isn't going to decide where that ride goes.

So good and so good for you...

2006-05-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

Caffeine folks. Yes, I am talking about one of our favorite friends...

It seems that caffeine limits the ability of the HIV virus to replicate. Here's a link that shows what I am talking about.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=15840517&dopt=Abstract

Check it out if you get time!

Remember - just because it limits HIV replication in a test tube, does not mean it will have that effect in your body. But, who know?

Happy Memorial Day

2006-05-29T04:51:00.000-07:00

Yes - it's a holiday to remember our soldiers who fell in the line of duty. Let's also take some time to remember those who died of AIDS. They fought a battle every bit as brave and gave those of us who remain the chance to lead longer healthy lives. Without the sacrifice of those who were infected with HIV, and supported research into new treatments by being research subjects... well - it would be a very different world for most people.

Looking both ways before crossing the street

2006-05-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

I was getting a package from UPS the other day. I stepped across the street to the delivery van and signed for the package. As I was signing, a car went around me and I honestly just turned my head to look. The driver grabbed my shoulder as if I was about to step infront of the car. It makes me chuckle to myself, because - after 42 years without any major accidents, I have yet to be hit by a car. But for some reason - whenever I step up to a crossing, people think I am the type of person to run into traffic.

Maybe I look oblivious...

But - I count my blessings. Having people stopping you from stepping into oncoming traffic are better than people who would let you walk into it, or worse - push you into it. ;) I see that people care about me and want me to be well. That makes me feel good. Even strangers like the UPS man show a degree of humanity that warms my heart. The simple acts of kindness and positive regard make me think that maybe humans aren't such a bad species after all...

So many people have been so kind to me these last several weeks. I keep wondering if someone is going to go off on me and let me have it - say things like I deserve what happened to me, or call me ugly names. It hasn't happened yet, and thank god it wasn't my first experience. If it does happen now - I have the experience of having been accepted and supported by so many people, that I would hope it doesn't make a difference. People care. And they will try and protect me from being hurt.

So - if you see me at a street crossing... by all means grab my shoulder. I won't be offended. Hopefully, I can stop you from being hurt as well.

Be Well

Blessed with Lemonaid

2006-05-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry to go all Pollyanna on you all, but I am truly amazed at how kind and supportive people are with this, how well they respond. I know there are people out there that can be cruel - seen it first hand. But I am truly amazed at how the good people in this world have come to my aid. This may be a lemon of a diagnosis, but good things happen with it as well. Thank you all for showing my that.

Just a quick pic of me

2006-05-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

I just thought maybe it was time to show the world what I look like...

The taste of the bitter heart...

2006-05-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

I have been reading through my posts, seeing where I have been vs. where I am now. I wonder as read these entries - do I appear bitter? I don't feel bitter. Bitter is a flavor. It is savored in drinks like coffee around the world. Something about it is enjoyable despite what is commonly thought of as an unpleasant taste. I cannot say that I enjoy what I feel as regards my ex.

I have wondered, why not just try and move on past this? I feel that I have tried, but it's like an invisible knife has been stuck in my chest by my ex, and he is the only one that can remove it. I can't seem to locate it on my own. I am left confused and hurt by all of this. The cure is so simple and would really take so little time. All it requires is a little communication. Is it painful for him to confront, or is it just an inconvenience? I am disgusting to him now? Or am I relegated to barely being a consideration? How does one go from love to indifference in such a short amount of time? Was it ever love to begin with if indifference is so easy to achieve?

If I were to just leave this behind, I feel like I would be condoning a behavior that I have always disliked. Why should it be so easy for him when it is so hard for me? It has nothing to do with being fair. It has everything to do with a personal sense of justice. I deserve an explanation. I deserve the chance to heal.

It occurs to me; a person usually cannot tell if someone has HIV. It is an invisible entity observable only by tests and the later stages marked by particular disease states associated with the infection. There are other sicknesses that can't be seen. Many in fact. Some are caused by viruses and bacteria. They are relatively easy to deal with in the long run. Treatments can be devised. But there are illnesses of the soul as well. They don't come from pathogens in the environment, they come from the pathogens of our actions. They affect not our body, but our soul. And they are the most easily treated. All we need to do is confront what we have done and try to do better in the future. Asking for and receiving forgiveness is the cure.

I want forgiveness. I want to offer it as well. But until then, it sits unnoticed in his soul, in my soul... festering and causing pain, if not in himself, then in the ones he hurts. I could forgive if I understood. I could forgive if it was asked of me. I would like to be offered forgiveness as well. But sometimes people prefer the pain. Sometimes they don't care. Sometimes they prefer the bitter taste. I am reminded of a poem by Stephen Crane...

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.

He won't respond to me in the real world, so I ask him here. Why did you do this?

IMLWTF

2006-05-27T03:59:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 5:30 this morning after going to bed at midnight. I don't know why my body insists on being up so early. I used to love to sleep in.

OK - so this is the weekend so many people seem to wait for - the official kick-off of gay summer, yes, I am talking about IML.

I don't get it personally. The ex took me to the IML mart last year, and I have to say, it was lost on me. Sex for me is awesome good stuff without having to do things to make it more interesting than it already is. I asked the ex about it - he said that it had to do with trusting your partner. Frankly, the ex talking about trust is like Martha Stewart giving a lecture on business ethics, but that's a whole other issue. I understand that some people find it very erotic - it's just not my scene. To me... it's just another form of drag and neither one tempts me very much.

But it does make for an interesting weekend.

I am going out tonight with my friend Mark and J. J just told me a week ago that he has HIV, has had it for 6 years and is doing very well with meds. We plan on doing dinner and going to one of the clubs afterwords. I am curious to see what the crowd is going to be like tonight.

Uber-Geek

2006-05-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

If you remember - I told you I was a geek. Today I proved it yet again. I got my Myvu personal media viewer - it's basically a visor for displaying video from my iPod. LOVING IT! If you're curious, check it out - www.myvu.com.

Yes - this was totally off topic. But anything that can keep me excited / happy is a good thing right now. Geekdom is a hobby for me, so I am still keeping up with that.

And by the way!

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

Hollywood

2006-05-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

OK.
Bear with me.

I fell into a trap today. We have all been exposed to this trap, and most of us are susceptible to it. I am talking about the Hollywood version of 'Love'. In the tv show I was watching, the woman and man are destined to meet, fall in love and live happily ever after.

I so desperately want to believe that is how it happens. I want to believe that there is somebody out there for everybody. But as I am sitting there getting all romantic and falling for that vision, I stop and remind myself... this is how they sell a product and keep you watching the show. They prey upon the need for happiness and love, avoiding scenes that would show how much work and commitment is involved.

It's painful to watch this stuff- because I want to believe in it. It is even more painful, because up until recently I thought I had found it. I thought I had found someone who was committed to the work and the process and the joy of it. I thought I had a Hollywood Happy Ending.

The reality was... I found someone who was charming as long as it was beneficial to be so. I found someone who appeared to be interested in the work and process as long as he benefited from it. I found someone who was, in the end, unfaithful and mean-spirited.

Lots of people find this. I can't think of anyone who would call this a happy ending.

And yet... I still hope! I find myself thinking, "There is someone out there who will love you despite your HIV status, and that kind of person will be the kind of person to really spend the rest of your life with."

Is that insane? Is it hurting me to believe this? I know too many people in my position, male and female, who are on the eternal search. If this were all true, the world would be filled with happy loving relationships. This doesn't appear to be the case.

I don't want to be cynical. I will keep hoping...

What does HIV mean?

2006-05-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

It's a strange question, I know. But it makes me wonder these days. It remains a very real life-threatening virus, but more and more - it seems like it is being treated as a nuisance. Instead of being a virus associated with certain death as it once was, it is now something to be controlled, much like diabetes, or perhaps more appropriately, like herpes. By adhering to a medication regime, most people can maintain relatively healthy immune systems indefinitly.

So what does this mean to a person afflicted with the virus? I think back to when herpes was the dread sexually transmitted disease - the stigma associated with it, the embarassment that people suffered. HIV infection is very much like that now, except there is a more tangible fear of mortality. We have to bear in mind that when the virus and the illness linked with it that became defined as AIDS, it meant an often painful death. The images that we were exposed to some 25 odd years ago of KS, wasting frail men and women... remain with us. Even today, we are presented with images of people in third world countries without access to anti-viral medications and we see them enduring the same pain and misery that represented the early days of AIDS in this country. All that keeps the majority of people afflicted with advanced HIV infection, is a number of pills that must be taken daily.

Earlier today, I posted a link to a document regarding a gene therapy designed to alter the immune system to keep the HIV infection in check. It isn't a cure. It is providing the immune system a way to avoid advancing infection with an enhanced HIV resistent CD4 cell line. If this therapy proves to be successful, what will HIV mean then? Should we imagine that one day - you will go to the doctor, who informs you, "You have an active HIV infection. We need to make an appointment to have some of your immune system cells harvested so we can give you an improved immune system. We will need to monitor you and your immune system, but you shouldn't need to take any medications for this."

This is a very real possibility. Currently, clinical trials are detirmining if this therapy is enough to maintain an immune system without the need for anti-retroviral medications. What will HIV mean then? I would think that people would want to continue to avoid infection, but if the only consequence is a medical procedure (probably more than a little expense involved) will anybody really worry about it the way we do today?

I hope not. I hope for the day when HIV, if not simply cured, will be just another thing to deal with - then be forgotten. "Oh, I have HIV, but I also have a new and improved immune system, so I don't think about it too much." Or better still, "I don't have HIV, but I went ahead and had gene therapy so if I am exposed it won't end up being a problem."

What do you think?

For people doing well with HAART - A gene therapy that looks promising

2006-05-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

The study is intended for individuals who are doing well on HAART therapy. In Step 1 of the trial, individuals will be given up to 6 infusions of the study drug VRX496 to see the effect on viral load and CD4 counts. If individuals have no serious adverse effects from the infusions of VRX496 and the viral load and CD4 counts remain stable, they may go on to Step 2 of the study. In Step 2, individuals will stop taking their HAART medication and their viral load, CD4 counts and the number of VRX496 in T cells will be monitored.

Full information is listed at the following link...

http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct/show/NCT00295477;jsessionid=C499FE55D717DC6853FACA55374345FC?order=1

Are you or do you know of anyone involved in this study? It would be great to hear from you! Also - if anyone has any additional information or insight, please share!

Be Well

Decisions, Decisions

2006-05-26T05:10:00.000-07:00

Today I am supposed to get together with a girl I used to work with at a hospital in the burbs. She was one of the 1st people I met when I moved to Chicago, so I am looking forward to seeing her. She currnenly is working in a hospital IT department supporting the medical record software there. I encouraged her to go after that type of job, so I am anxious to see how it is going for her.

She called me while I was on the road, and mentioned that her department is down several positions... The pay is close to what I make now, plus I would be certified in a product that is being used across the country. There isn't a week that goes by that I don't have some recruiter contacting me about a position using this software.

Now - I like my job right now. I like the people I work with, I like traveling, and the company in general is very friendly. But the project I am working on is poorly managed, and I often find myself wondering if this job is going to last. If it doesn't, where do I go from here? I really would rather stay where I am, but there are some temptations about going back to my old employer.

I have to consider that I will likely need to start treatment for HIV soon. What difficulties might I face travelling with side-effects, stress, etc? What about healthcare benefits? Would it be better to work closer to home?

I don't know. I need to talk to her about this and see what she thinks. I just worry that inter-state travel might get to be too much, even though I enjoy it - it might be hard on my health. Also, I am lukewarm on the skill sets I am getting with my current job. I don't know how far it is really going to take me in the future.

Home again... and the issue of trust...

2006-05-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

I made it home - and on time despite a flight delay! Very sweet!

It was also nice to see some comments on my postings. One of them, from Chicago-sexbox, mentioned that he has a difficult time trusting his partners. I think many of us do, at least to some degree. Trust isn't an emotion, not like love. Trust is an action. You trust or don't trust based on a concious decision based on the information you have on a particular person at a particular time in a particular circumstance. Trust is not static - it evolves over time.

Don't base your trust in a partner based on previous relationships - it will spell disaster if you do. If you have trust issues with a partner, talk to him about it and see what you both can do to strengthen that aspect of your mutual bond.

I have my own issues with trust, so I know that it is hard not to remember how you were hurt in the past. Remember your past as a guide to the future, but don't let it rule your future....

Waiting

2006-05-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

OK - so I am at the airport - it's noon - waiting to board a one o'clock flight. It's no big deal, at least I have a membership to the airline club, so there is some amount of comfort involved. But... I know the weather at home isn't supposed to be great this afternoon, and I swear, if somenbody sneezes at O'Hare, flights get delayed. Several flights this morning have already been delayed, so I anticipate being here at least an hour beyond the scheduled departure time.

So how much of life is spent waiting? I don't mind waiting for a flight - as long as it actually leaves... but waiting for other things - like counts - that can be stressful. I guess the trick is to take it as it comes and go from there. Seasoned veterans at this - I imagine that they all take it in stride. It's something I need some practice with. I am a fairly patient person in most respects. As long as things go as I expect them to, I have no doubt that this all will become old hat.

I play darts tonight with the guys. I am hoping that we can show off a little bit more than we have over the last several weeks. It would be nice to actually live up to what I believe our potentials are. I would like to get some practice in before playing, but the ex took the dartboard with him, and I don't know that I want to lay out cash for a new one. (If anything bothers me about him - he took the crap he wanted and expects me to deal with the crap he doesn't.) Ah well...

My bed is made, the apartment is clean and the cats are behaving themselves while I am gone. The cats were having problems with the ex as well. They were having 'accidents' the last several months while the ex was living there. Those 'accidents' mysteriously resolved after he moved out. I don't know what he was doing to them, but the cats are happy to have him gone. Knowing him - don't want to think about how he must have been torturing them. Anybody who can make an animal that miserable - says a lot about the person.

But my original point - a comfortable home and a comfortable bed. It will be so nice to be in it tonight!

On my way home...

2006-05-25T05:17:00.000-07:00

I am feeling good - hoping that the weather in Chicago is decent enough so that my flight won't be delayed too much. I can't really think of too much going on this morning, other that the normal packing and making sure I've not forgotten anything.

The plan for the holiday weekend is to get together with friends, go out, have some fun. You know - nothing out of the ordinary. I guess I will be trying to prepare mentally for the next set of blood counts. I am trying to be optimistic while being realistic at the same time. Not an easy task.

I think that there is something to be said for positive visualization - 'daydreaming' about what you want the results to be. There are those that think that the body will try to match what you want the results to be. So many people expect the worst and perseverate on that outcome - how surprising is it that they get bad news?

Certainly, medicines offered today moderate that effect because they are so powerful. But - as you all know - I would rather avoid the powerful medicines as much as possible.

Ah - but anyway - I am looking forward to being home. I understand the weather is supposed to be nice and warm this coming weekend! Something to look forward to!

Ahhh...

2006-05-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

I am home (hotel) from work after a decent day. I finished my scheduled work early - left the client site to go to the corporate office, then took the last 2 hours of the day for myself. I did some minor shopping, had a good dinner and came back to the room to relax. I didn't realize it - but 2 of my favorite co-workers are just down the hall from me. They invited me to go to a place called 'Twin Peaks', a place I understand is very similar to Hooters. No interest on my end. I said if they would go to a place I know called 'Crotches' on the next visit, I would take them up on it. They declined. There is no such place, but most heterosexuals have certain ideas about the types of places gay folk like to go, so it's not a hard sell - so to speak...

I am coming home to Chicago tomorrow late afternoon. I am looking forward to it - always nice to be home after several days on the road. And it will be a long weekend - so hopefully there will be some fun things going on. I really hope for the chance to be able to live a normal relaxed don't think about HIV kind of life this weekend. I mean, I suppose it will always be a consideration - but I don't think that it will be a constant background noise consideration. I think that is a worthy goal to pursue.

A Request

2006-05-24T04:51:00.000-07:00

I would like to hear from readers regarding their experiences with their ex lovers, whether or not they were infected by them. If you are still with the significant other who was with you when you found out you were positive - I want to hear that too. The good, the bad, the indifferent... If you are in a new relationship with someone... are the positive? negative? How did they react when you informed them of your status?

I just want to read the experiences of people who are affected by this. I want to see what worked, how they made it work. I want to see what didn't work so I can avoid bumps in the road.

Any help would be appreciated!

Be Well

Morning thoughts

2006-05-24T04:32:00.000-07:00

I'm still on the road, awake and dressed for work. I still have some time, so I am watching CNN and browsing favorite sites on the web. Sites that I am paying more attention to now have to do with - you guessed it - HIV infection, specifically ways to combat the virus naturally.

Good sites will tell you - there are no natural supplements that have the fire-power of the designer pharmaceutical medications specifically designed to battle the HIV virus. BUT - many of these supplements do not have the dangers associated with the prescription medications. While there may be side effects and long term dangers associated with supplement use, they are generally milder and less severe than prescription medications.

I am not going into this hoping to find some herb or vitamin that will magically cure the infection. I am just hoping that there is a supplement or combination of supplements that will be able to delay the need to start the powerful prescription anti-retrovirals.

I am encouraged by the people I am meeting who are taking HAART therapy. Many of them are reporting that the side-effects are minimal and well tolerated. There doesn't seem to be the issues of nausea / vomiting, lipodystrophy, etc as in years past. These are the things that worry me. But I do want to do some research on liver / kidney / other vital organ damage associated with the new medications.

For me - so much of this diagnosis directly relates to quality of life. What can I do to minimize the impact this virus and its' treatment will have on my health and well-being? I don't want to be homebound because I am afraid of diarrhea. I don't want to look in the mirror and see sunken cheeks and a buffalo hump...

I am not feeling the worry and fear that I had when I was first diagnosed. But so much of this remains unclear. I am taking supplements that are reported to have positive impacts on CD4 counts as well as supplements that have natural anti-HIV effects. I go in next week to have blood tests done per my agreement with my doctor. I know what I want to see happen. What I hope for is a moderate reduction in my viral load and a modest increase in my CD4 count.

I think about this. Wouldn't I rather be on the anti-retrovirals and see the dramatic results that have been reported? Wouldn't an undetectable viral load and an increasing CD4 count be worth its' weight in gold for my peace of mind? It's very tempting to buy into that. But the concern remains - once going on meds, it's very hard to ever be off them again for anything more than a drug holiday. From what I have heard from folks - the drug holidays are short lived, and the viral rebound is dramatic in many cases. So once I start meds - it's important to remain on them, despite the negative impact they may present for long term health.

Any thoughts?

Back at last...

2006-05-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

It wasn't a great day yesterday. I missed the plane, got to work late (hard to not see that one coming) and got to my hotel room where my internet connection was not working. I called the desk, told them I had a bad modem, which they denied could be the case as they are brand new out of the box. Um Yeah.

I had to call tech support. Why I had to call it - I don't know. Simply replace the modem I said. It isn't the modem they said.

I called the front desk again and they assured me that the maintenence engineer would fix it today. I got back -it wasn't fixed. We went around and around - I begged him to try a new modem. He relented - fixed the problem. "Sorry about that."

At least now I can connect.

In other news...

I am happy to be back on the road. It is so nice to be with the folks I work with rather than stuck at home with limited amounts of work. Much much better this way. There is less time to think about all the questions that I have right now... What and when and will I start meds? What is up with my ex? What in the heck are my bosses thinking with all this stuff? Etc.

There is very little I can do about any of these things - I won't know until I am told about each and every one of them. I can then make appropriate decisions based on available information. 2 of those will yield answers, one of them never will. I can deal with answers, regardless of how good or bad they may be. It's not knowing that hurts.

What I can do in the meantime... I have searched my soul for why this is so upsetting - beyond the obvious. I think a problem that plagues me as regards the ex - is that I was so certain that I was judging his character correctly. It's hard for me to admit that I am wrong about that. If I continue to think of him as a noble person, then of course it is baffling to me as to why he broke up with me the way he did, why he refuses all attempts at communication except the ones he initiates.

I look back at all the evidence - and it strikes me... the only person I saw him treat consistently with respect was myself - at least in the beginning. Everyone else was suspect. I remember that he had left his family and had only sporadic contact with one brother - he was ostracized from all other members of his family. I look at the lack of close emotional friendships and the nature of the friendships he does maintain. I remember that he didn't call me on my birthday. I remember that he gave me gift certificates - purchased after my birthday and mailed to me. I remember that he stood me up the day we were supposed to get together for Christmas and then screamed at me when I was upset about it, blamed everything on me - that he hated me...

I come to the realization that he isn't a bad person. But he isn't the noble person I thought him to be either. That is hard for me to accept, because it means that I believed what I wanted to believe. It worries me that this is the case, because - if I can't trust my own perceptions about significant relationships, how can I trust myself to start a new one in the future, especially now that I know I am HIV positive? How do I trust the other person? How do I trust myself?

I hope that these answers will be answered simply by living life. Everyday has answers if we are willing to see them. Todays answer is that I was living with someone who is mentally cruel - for whom punishment is the weapon of choice. I can be thankful that I am removed from him now. At least that is how I feel today at this moment. I am sure there will be hard times to come, but if I remember to come back here and read this... I hope it will make it easier.

Argh!

2006-05-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a weird morning. Traffic on the expressway was much heavier than I have seen in a long time. I was 5 minutes late to check into my flight, so now I am waiting for two hours for a new flight. Ugh. I don't need this stress - but I should still be able to get where I am going on time.

I had a strange afternoon and evening yesterday. I tried to follow-up with my ex regarding an e-mail I sent him on Friday. I earlier referred to a rumor I had heard about someone I know. Fact is, the rumor was about the ex. I ran into a friend of his, someone he has known a while. I hesitate to use the word friend - because what he calls a friend is different from what I call a friend. I would call this guy a long term acquaintance. In the year that my ex and I were together - I think I would be stretching it to say that we talked at length more than twice.

I was walking on a street near where I live - saw this guy who waved at me. It took me a second to place him. I said hello, doing the pleasantness. He asked my if I had seen the ex lately - and I said no - that the ex had pretty much ended communicating with me - that he probably knew more about it than I did. He asked me why we broke up - and again, I said he probably knew more about it than I did. In that little amount of time, and for no good reason - he said, "Well you know he was fooling around with other guys..." I shrugged my shoulders with a whatever kind of attitude, but inside I was hurt.

I don't know if I should take what he said as the truth. He isn't the kind of guy I just trust right away. The fact is - he strikes me as the kind of person to say things just to get a reaction. I have known this kind of person before. They hurt inside, so they like to make other people hurt as well. But - I think it's something that I would want to know. If it is the truth, do I not have a right to know it?

I wrote the ex an e-mail asking him about it. He asked me about rumors that he was afraid I was involved with, so I thought it was ok to at least ask about this one. I just wanted to know if he was fooling around with different guys, or if he started dating someone else while he was dating me. I don't know what good that information would do me... Maybe some amount of closure and understanding about what happened with us. The e-mail was returned undeliverable - not accepted from my address. I am not surprised, but hurt. I wasn't angry in the original e-mail I wrote him, I just wanted clarification - was it true? Not true?

I thought about it for a while, went outside and walked around, talked to my friend Mark... When I got home, my phone rang. I answered and it turned out to be someone who knows the ex that I have come to know on a more social basis. He asked how I was, I told him - not good - that there were a lot of things going on that he didn't know about. I considered it for a moment and told him that I am now HIV positive. I told him the background, why I suspected that I had been exposed because of what happened with the ex. I told him that the ex says he is negative, that I need to believe that.

We talked about the ex for a while. He told me that I shouldn't be surprised, that this is who he is. Looking back on it - I know that is true. I had been warned by people in the past about him, but I disregarded it... They weren't talking about the guy I knew. I wish that I had paid more attention back then, but I don't think anybody in my position would have. You don't want to pay attention to things that are said about someone you are in love with. We said the ex is mostly concerned about himself, that as long as he gets what he needs when he needs it - everything is fine, but once that stops, he will quickly move on without regards to the other persons feelings, be it a friend or a lover.

I know the type. I have seen it before - just never been part of it. But I worked with people like this. I worked on an inpatient psychiatric unit for well over 10 years with personality disorders as a major portion of my client population. Personality disorders with anti-social traits, can be so very charming... As long as they get what they want. But if that is challenged, the personality changes dramatically. They can be angry, withdrawn, and even violent when they are challenged. The popular term is sociopath, and an older term would be split personality. These people operate on extremes. They either love and want to be with you constantly, or they dislike and even hate you when they don't. They are unable to form stable relationships, even though they come across as having a great many friends. I was always amazed at home many people the ex knew. But as often as not, he would say negative things about them. Even his best friend was a target when he wasn't around - which was most of the time. I honestly don't remember him being consistently kind about anyone he called a "friend" with maybe one exception - a man he considered an adoptive father. I don't recall him ever saying anything bad about him, but in the year we were together, we saw him maybe 3 times.

I should be glad that I am away from him - that this is who he really is. I feel stupid for falling for that - I have seen the type so many times. It hurts that he would rather punish and keep me in pain than give me any understanding and closure. I don't want to believe that these things are true, but increasingly - I don't see any other explanation. I am not saying that he has a personality disorder or that he is a sociopath or split personality. I am not qualified to make that determination. I am just saying that the traits he exhibits remind me of patients I worked with with these diagnoses. I feel so stupid for getting involved with that. I hope I am smarter next time. I need to keep my eyes open if I ever get involved with someone again.

I talked with the guy who called about being positive, he told me his experiences and how he was doing, and offered me all the support I need. I am happy that he called. It was exactly at the right time. It's funny how things like that happen. It makes me think that someone is watching over me and making sure I get the care and support I need.

Moday Morning - Guest Speaker

2006-05-22T03:40:00.000-07:00

Hi Everybody - hope your week goes well. I am getting ready to leave town for several days on business, but will try to keep up with posting as I am able to find time.

I was chatting with someone I met online yesterday who is a healthcare professional who works with persons affliced with HIV. I asked him if he had anything he wanted to say to us. He was kind enough to send me an e-mail with the following:

First and foremost, no matter what you do when you meet someone who is positive, NEVER treat them any differently. They eat, drink, sleep, and get dressed just like anyone else. We as people have the tendency to judge others before getting to know them. Never judge someone because of what they have. Cause you know what? It could happen to you at anytime. Not just from having sex, you could be exposed to blood in other ways.

You may have HIV, but it does not have you. Leading a normal healthy lifestyle, will enable you to live for many, many, years. Eat healthy, exercise, and never bareback with other positive guys with out a condom. Two strains of one virus can spell trouble. If your on medications, take them at the same time everyday and get your lab work on schedule. Take your vitamins religiously. Vitamins are known to help and also eat yogurt. Eating yogurt has been discovered to be very beneficial to HIV positive people.

Never treat someone HIV positive any differently. Treat them as you want treated, with dignity and RESPECT!!!! Cause there are people who are HIV positive that are not gay. There are men, women, and children living with HIV. We are all people, don't let living with HIV stop you from loving. I know of a family where the wife is positive, the husband is not. The wife had a daughter from a previous relationship and they are both positive. The new husband is not and married her. Now that is true love and you will find it to. Just because you are positive, doesn't mean you can't have a positive outlook on life. Like it was said in the movie Auntie Mame, "You know what your problem is?" "You've gotta LIVE LIVE LIVE!!!!!" Don't give up on life. Live it to the fullest. Good luck everyone. I wish you all the best. *Anonymous*

I thank him for offering such good advice! I hope that he will continue to be a contributor as it is warrented.

I had a phone call yesterday - and some other things happened which made yesterday something to talk about. But sadly, there isn't enough time to go over it right now - I have a plane to catch. I will fill you in on the news when I am settled in my hotel room with a good internet connection.

Be Well

Predators and Prey

2006-05-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have heard from 4 guys now who tell me that they are in similar situations as myself. The situation is, that they were in "commited relationships" with guys having unprotected sex. The other half breaks up with them, and allows no communication. The guys who wrote to me then got tested and discovered they were positive. It sounds like a theme. It is just so hard for me to believe that there are so many men out there who would be like this to people they told, "I love you."

What is it about the type of guy who thinks that he needs a clean break and demands it without consideration of their ex-partners feelings? It strikes me as immature, certainly selfish, and downright mean spirited. Part of me wants to think that the universe offers some sort of pay-back, that what goes around comes around. But the truth is that these types of guys will move on to the next relationship and pull the same crap on the next person. There's the old saying about leopards not changing their spots. Personality traits as deeply ingrained as this one don't just pop up then go away.

I am not saying that there aren't times when clean breaks aren't warrented. If the partner was violent or mentally cruel, for example. But based on my experience and the experiences that have been relayed to me - these guys treat you so well, then for no apparent reason, suddenly break up with out explanation.

If 4 guys based on an admittedly small readership relay the same story - then this must be a common experience. There is no shortage of assholes in the world, but it is more than that now, and dangerous at the same time. If these men who did the breaking up were actually positive - and then refused communication and just move on to an unsafe sexual relationship with the next guy... well - you get the picture. It's immoral and illegal. I am sure many of these men never bother to get tested, insisting on operating under a construct of denial - that they are negative. Does carefully maintained ignorance constitute a legal or moral defense? Of course not.

But barring any definite proof, what is to be done? The world is a beautiful place, and there are wonderful people in it. But in this case the wolves walk among the sheep. Predators and prey. That they pretend to themselves that they are sheep makes no difference.

At the same time, we need to remember that we bear some responsibility for what happened to us. We know what's out there and the type of people who are out there as well. I kick myself for believing someone because I trusted and loved them. I can't say that it was my ex who infected me, and neither can the men who wrote to me. My ex at least informed me that he was tested and is negative. But these other guys - I have a hard time believing that we were all in unsafe relationships with partners who wanted to bearback - and then remain negative - while their partners end up positive. There aren't many people out there who would believe this to be the case.

Do you have any experiences to share like this? Different but relevant?

Let me know

Good Sunday Morning

2006-05-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

Beautiful day out there! I am going out into the world for a few, see some sunshine and fresh air.

I went out last night - think I mentioned that yesterday. I am glad that I did, but it is still weird. A guy who had too much to drink - cute - told me I was extremely hot. It made me laugh... I told him to have another drink, then I would be incredibly hot. We both laughed and I moved on. In the meantime, there was a guy there who I flirt a lot with - but I have said it before - I am shy in that kind of situation. We smiled at one another, said hello - and well - that was it. Honestly - I think that is about as much as I can handle right now. Maybe later I will be better with this.

A nice guy contacted me yesterday after reading some of the blog. He gave me this link that I want to pass along. Thanks to ScorpioCMH for sharing! An interesting read - give it a look...

http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct/show/NCT00080106;jsessionid=5F2075BD849F92C9853BFAF4E03F21B8?order=1

A pic I took - kind of appropriate to my life these days.

2006-05-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

Approaching normal...

2006-05-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

The day got better, chatted with some people, did some chores etc. I need to just do the daily things to keep going, to keep life ordinary in these strange days. There is so much to think about, so many different things grabbing for my attention - it's hard to keep up. I want things to be as normal as possible - but I wonder if it ever will be, or if there is going to be some new definition for that term.

I don't expect a perfect life, but the best any of us can hope for is to approach perfection, it can never be reached. The energy required to get there is too immense - and to stay there is damned near impossible. I think of normal in pretty much the same way. There is no normal for anyone. And let's face it - normal, while nice sometimes, can get pretty boring. But right now, simple boring would be a nice change of pace. I hate drama, so why do I feel like I am living in a soap opera these days?

The characters are all there... the plots are complex and hard to keep up with... frequent commercial breaks. I should look around my apartment and see if there are any hidden cameras. That is a joke of course, but you get the idea. I guess my biggest complaint with having a soap opera life these days, is that there is never a happy ending - there is always some twist at the last second.

So, the title for this entry is misleading. There is no normal right now, there is no perfection. But I can try to reach for it and hope that bits and pieces fall back into place.

Home again

2006-05-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

I just got back from seeing my therapist. We had a lot of ground to cover, so it was an intense session. A big part of it was the situation I am having with the ex right now - with him contacting me accusing me of spreading rumors. Not the case folks. If I were going to tell people that he had HIV - it would be telling his friends that I have it - and I am not ready to do that. I plan on being open with people in the future - but not ready for that step just yet. I won't be jumping into a dark pool without testing the water first.

What was confusing me about the contact he made - he was trying to be nice. He hasn't tried to be nice to me in months. Why be nice now, especially if he thinks I am spreading rumors? The only thing I could think of was that somebody else was in the room when he made the call, that he was trying to appear more noble with me than he has lately. I don't know - anybodies guess at this point.

I keep trying to figure out why I try to be so fair to him when I don't feel like he has treated me fairly at all through this whole ordeal. What do I owe him anymore? Why is it so important to me to defend him to other people? Don't get me wrong. He can be a very nice guy, he is outgoing, funny, intelligent - he has many great qualities. But there are some dark qualities there too - and it is hard for me to admit those to myself most of the time. When I miss him, I think about the guy that I met when we first started to date - not who he is to me now. I keep hoping that this is just who he is when he is stressed out, that he will be nice again when things are better, but then I don't even trust it now when he is nice to me. I guess I am like a dog who has been hit on the head by his master. He will be head shy forever after.

The number of chances I give him to be decent are getting limited. I don't want revenge, I just want peace of mind - and I have to find some way to get that. I was hoping that by sitting down and having a real conversation about what happened, I would be able to acheive that. The option I am left with now is to just give into the pain and hurt once and for all and get it all out, consequences be damned. If I can't get some closure with him, I can at least talk about it here and feel like I am getting it out of me head.

Morning thoughts...

2006-05-20T05:26:00.000-07:00

I've been up since before 6 this morning. It just seems to be a set time for me to be up, regardless of when I go to bed - which was about 11:30 last night. Too much TV to catch up on. Will & Grace finale - again - as well as the Sci-fi shows on Friday night that a geek like me loves. Yes. I am a geek. There. I've admitted it - out of the closet... again.

A lot of life seems to be about what we admit about ourselves to other people. Regardless of audience, we invariably edit ourselves to some degree - some less than others, but still. Think of when you fart - unless you are in the company of your drunken frat buddies, how many people will freely admit it? Just a thought. I don't think this is a bad thing - in many ways it is good. It keeps up with social conventions and eases stress. We are all human - and part of being human is having little things about us that aren't pretty, at least to everyone. Who we show these things to depends on how much we trust the other person.

So - I am gay (duh), I have HIV (um - yeah), I like sci-fi, I am a geek, and I have a fondness for zombie movies - oh - and yes... I occasionally fart. But don't expect me to admit it at the time if there are multiple people in the room...

This morning I am on my way to see my therapist. I have been seeing him for about 6 months. He has helped me through some difficult times over the last half year. I have mentioned before, I tend to keep a small group of good friends, so it is good to have someone listen to my issues, pain, concerns etc without placing judgement. I think that having someone removed from me a bit will give more objective advice as well.

I feel pretty good this morning. I was whining to myself about the coconut / supplement mixture again last night. I don't mind swallowing flavorless pills - but it is such a pain to have to heat, mix up and drink such a vile mixture. It damn well better be doing me some good. I believe it is - so I will keep doing it until proven otherwise. My mood though right now, is good - even though I had to drink that crap yet again. For some reason it's easier to handle in the morning - less tired and settled I guess.

The plan for the day is just to keep moving - getting things done before I travel this week. You know - the mundane daily chore stuff that I talked about yesterday. Laundry, dishes, cleaning etc. I do plan on going out tonight with my friend Mark, so I will use that as a goal and something to look forward to.

More later.

Some problems

2006-05-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time today with some news I got the other day about somebody I know. I hate rumors - hard to know what to believe. The guy I heard it from isn't what I would call a trustworthy source - he always struck me as having kind of a cruel streak and would say things to hurt people, so maybe I just shouldn't trust the information. Maybe he was just trying see some pain in my face. I don't even want to say what it's about until I hear directly from the guy the rumor is about. I wrote him an e-mail asking about it. I hope he responds.

I don't mean to be vague - it's just... I want to be fair. Despite any problems I may have had with this person in the past, I prefer to assume the best about him. But in the meantime - here I am being plagued by yet another set of doubts. It ain't fun kids...

About me

2006-05-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

The part of online chat rooms that I hate the most is when they ask me to describe myself. The physical part is easy - easily quantifiable. The less tangible stuff is 180 degrees from that for me. Beyond my favorite color - which changes day to day - I am stumped.

I have an easier time just typing as things pop into my head. So maybe if I try this, you will get an idea of what I am like as a person.

I like being physically active - but it would be wrong to say that I work out. I like moving around and seeing the world move around me. I like seeing people when I am out and about, moving past me but not directly interacting. I like biking - but more in touring mode than racing. I like swimming because after a while - it almost feels like I am meditating. I like being able to think when I do things - and the things I like to think don't include, "one more rep". I like being in shape, but moderation is the key for me, not doing penance at the gym. And I certainly don't feel like I have to go to the gym to be an attractive person. It isn't about that for me.

I like movies - most people do - but I like movies that make me think and question how I look at the world. Donnie Darko would be a good example of that for me. I Heart Huckabees is another favorite. Musical tastes run the gamut, but I really don't care for most rap.

As a person - I have heard myself described as complex. I don't feel complex - but I guess I can see where some people get that impression. In most public places, I come across as pretty shy. But depending on the situation - I can be downright bold. In a bar - shy, but in a meat-market bar - bold. In that kind of situation I go after what I want. At least I used to. I am not really sure how I would be in that situation today.

I am quiet and introspective. I am not an introvert, but I like to keep a small group of close friends as opposed to a large group of acquaintances. If I feel criticized or attacked, I get quiet. It isn't that I don't have things to say- there are just usually so many things to say - I don't know what to say 1st.

I am pretty simple in my likes and dislikes. I was brought up in a well-to-do family and always had nice things around. But I don't feel the need to have expensive or styling objects at this point. I don't spend god awful amounts of money on clothes - and labels don't mean a thing to me.

I am not a huge fan of Thai food other than once in a while, but really - I don't avoid any food, but I tend to like Italian / Mexican / tapas more than others. Steak once in a while. Chicken is a staple practically.

I am close to my family and friends, and I see them in much the same way. You may not always like what they do or say, but they remain. Once I make a commitment like that, it's hard to let go. Friends are easier than family - you get to choose who your friends are - and rarely do they upset me to the point where I get angry, but there is always forgiveness when that happens.

Do me a favor...

2006-05-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

Several people now have told me that they are reading what I blog here. It would be awesome if those of you who visit would leave a comment, just to let me know what you think - or just to know that you are out there. It would be nice to know I am not alone in here.

:)

Another day

2006-05-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

First of all - my team did not do well at darts last night. That is an understatement, but we had fun, and that's what it's all about. I play on the league to get out of the house and out of my head. It helps. Little things like that keep life fun.

The day begins with the coconut milk / supplement mixture, followed a half hour later by water soluable supplements. I get cleaned up and try to look a little more human than the creature that drags itself out of bed. Check the e-mails, line up the work for the day and look around the house to see what cleaning needs to be done.

How is it that one person living by themselves can possibly create this much mess? I am not a tornado that goes whipping through my living space, but I am amazed sometimes at how fast clutter accumulates. I will have to do something about that today as well. I will be traveling next week for my job - and I hate coming home to a messy living space.

Bored yet? It's the mundane day to day chores and tasks that won't go away regardless of whether or not I am HIV positive. I don't know if I expected that day to day living would change in some fundamental way or what. Certainly - life is different now - but the differences are subtle. Some things have been added, some things have been taken away - and I am sorry - but the trade off, while not major at this point - doesn't seem worth it. I get to add supplements, but lose my peace of mind - at least to some degree.

And what about the prospect of a relationship? It's not like I can go blindly into seeing someone now - even if I were up for that. I have to consider how 3 letters and one 3 syllable word is going to affect whoever comes into my life - if they are even willing... I want to think that I will spend my life with someone, but man - it is so hard. Why is that? Straight people seem to do it all the time. And yes - I know that they aren't that successul at it - but they seem to do a better job of it than gay men in many ways. I think about this and I tend to simplify the issue, but I think that there is this tendency of gay men to romanticize every aspect of a relationship. Romance is certainly an important part - and in the beginning it's a huge part - but after a while together, other things come to center stage. And they are the mundane day-to-day tasks that can be such a pain. What happens when the relationship is suddently less exciting?

My neice - love her so much - just got divorced from her husband. His reason for wanting out, was that he was restless and bored. What I am told is that he would go to work, come home, eat, sleep, and go back to work the next day. His question was - "Is that all there is?" Well - the answer is yes... to a point. If a person is bored and not having fun in their life, then it is their responsibility to put those aspects that are missing back into life where possible. But what seems to happen all to often, is that one or both partners, blame their relationship for the lack of excitement in life. Suddenly - being single seems like a great solution to making life an adventure again.

The problem is - most people grow up and realize that love is more than adventure and fun. It's about mutual respect, communication, empathy, selflessness, mutual support coupled with mutual indepenence (if that makes sense) and many other things. Hopefully those things include some amount of fun, laughter, holding hands and the like. BUT those other things can also include arguments, paying the bills, differences of all kinds. Loving someone is about appreciating those differences, and how conflict is resolved, and how the money is managed. Mundane - but true.

In my experience - men, and many gay men in particular (at least many of the ones I have dated) give up once the newness has worn off. When it comes time to do the real work the interest suddently wanes. Why bother? There is something or someone more exciting out there, so why not take advantage of it? The communication stops, the distance increases and then... nothing. One person is invariably left hurting while the other one goes out to find what they think will bring them happiness. And the cycle repeats. And we get older. And the prospects aren't quite as plentiful as they were a couple years ago. We feel young inside, so many of us chase men younger and increasingly more attractive than ourselves - because that is exciting. The relationships get shorter and shorter as we get older and we see our youth escaping. Far too many of us end up alone because of all of this BS.

I blame Hollywood and President Bush... ;)